NIGHT SCREAMS

1987/18/74m

“Tonight their cries will fall on dead ears.”

Director: Allen Plone / Writers: Dillis L. Hart II & Mitch Brian / Cast: Joe Manno, Megan Wyss, Ron Thomas, Janette Allyson Caldwell, John Hines, Jerry Goehring, Randy Lunsford, Susan Lyles, Diana Martin, Mike Roark, Barbara Schoenhofer, Dan Schramm.

Body Count: 15

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“David’s so hot!” coo the bitchy high school cheerleaders who he invites to his house party when his folks are away for the weekend. He’s a mulleted scholarship-earning football player who must learn to say no to his father and take his anger meds.

Along with his teammates and the bitchy girls comes sappy girlfriend Joni (who is disliked by the popular girls) and the one couple who are nice to her.

Meanwhile, two escaped convicts have taken shelter in the basement of the house and one of them babbles quasi-Satanic jargon and kills a few of the partiers who venture downstairs as well as his companion.

Another ‘mystery’ killer is at work elsewhere, offing the horrible-haired, barely distinguishable teenagers in a few inventive ways. There’s zero sympathy for anyone so it’s okay to watch them die! die! die!

Curiously, the end credits are padded out with a sort of ‘greatest hits’ recap of what we’ve already seen, expanding said credits to intolerable lengths. However, the UK video had lopped off the beginning murder, in which a couple watching Graduation Day on TV are done in by the loon.

There’s tacked on porno footage that grinds on forever and crap continuity. Look out for the dark-haired guy tossed through the window early on: his stunt double is a peroxide blond.

Figuring out who the killer is isn’t quite as easy as it first seems but who cares? Nobody who’s in the film registers on the empathy scale so feel free to kill ‘em all! And NOBODY gets covered in odd silky webbage as per the cover.

Oh, aren’t we sometimes just so clever with our little in-jokes and gags that you only get if you’re in on it?

Because so many horror films have been written to cater for people with double-digit IQs, many of these little pokes and winks at the audience are bloody obvious, and some of them are just crap. As always, regardé…

ALONE (2000): “So… you’ve got Freddy Krueger as an admirer?”

BRIDE OF CHUCKY (1998): “I knew you were obsessed, but Chucky? He’s so… eighties.”

CAMP DAZE (2005): “Backwoods, scary noises – haven’t you heard of Jason?”

CHILDREN OF THE CORN IV (1996): “I don’t want to be the one in charge when their heads are doing 360s and they’re hurling pea soup.”

DARK RIDE (2006): “Why [do their names] always have to Jonah, or Jason, or Jedidiah? I mean why can’t it be Bob, or Gus or even Chris?”

EVIL BREED (2003): “If you leave you’ll disappear – just like every other B-movie character does!”

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI (1986): “I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.”

THE HILLS RUN RED (2009): “The characters always head out to the middle of nowhere, right? Suddenly their cars, their cell phones, their technology can’t save them and nobody ever brings a fucking gun!”

ICED (1988): “It was one of those flicks where you only watch if someone’s naked or getting killed. Or both.”

THE NUN (2005): “so let me get this straight: Are you trying to tell me that all this is some sort of I Know What You Did 18 Summers Ago or something?”

OFFERINGS (1988): “How come people in these horror movies do such stupid things?”

SKELETON CREW (2009): “Somehow we’re inside a film – a horror film! That’s why things have gone like they have.”

TO BECOME ONE (2000): “We’re playing this out like some B-grade movie. Five kids locked away in some isolated shack. When the killer finds us he’s going to pick us off one by one.”

* * *

What does this teach us? Sometimes, witty observations are funny. And that Kevin Williamson has a lot to answer for.

HONEYMOON HORROR

1982/88m

“Til death do us part.”

Director: Harry Preston / Cast: L.L. Carney & Deanne Kelly / Cast: Cheryl Black, Bob Wagner, Michael Crabtree, Paul Iwanski, Margi Curry, Kari Addington, Philip Thompson, James Caskey, Leslie McKinley, William F. Pecchi, Jerry Meagher, Michael Wycoff.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “It’s the biggest piece of meat I’ve ever seen.”

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“Something grabbed my ankle,” a girl says in Honeymoon Horror.

“Maybe it was a bridge?” comes the reply from her friend.

A bridge. I rewound the tape several times to be sure years of screaming music through headphones hadn’t worsened my tinnitus. Yes, she suggested a bridge grabbed the first girl’s ankle.

This rape of sensible scripting notwithstanding, in this paper-thin imitation of Friday the 13th by way of The Burning, a disfigured maniac, who resembles Uncle Fester, stalks and kills the female honeymooners spending their first post-nuptial night on an ugly as fuck little island owned and run by said maniac’s ex-wife and her new lover. Together, they burned the dude some years earlier.

An intriguing piece of inexplicably sexist trash, director Preston seems to forget events that have already occurred. Meanwhile, the killer hacks and hews his way through the blushing brides with a handy axe until all who’re left are huddled together in a central cabin.

Some gory murders interpose the cliched pattern of goings-on, but the effects are godawful with too-thick or too-thin blood pumping from inflicted wounds while the corpses are quite obviously still breathing.

Throw in a mute, retarded caretaker, characters who repeatedly insist they’re “perfectly safe”, a cigar-chomping Sheriff and an English maid whose only two lines of dialogue sound like they’ve gushed from the mouth of a 19th century East End prostitute.

If there was ever an excuse not to get married, this is it.

GIRLS NITE OUT

1982/18/93m

“The next time you go to a fancy dress party… Check who’s going with you.”

A.k.a. The Scaremaker

Director: Robert Deubel / Writers: Joe Bolster, Anthony N. Gurvis, Kevin Kurgis & Gil Spencer Jr. / Cast: Hal Holbrook, Julie Montgomery, James Carroll, Suzanne Barnes, Rutanya Alda, Lauren-Marie Taylor, Lois Robbins, Matthew Dunn, Laura Summer, Carrick Glenn, Larry Mintz, Susan Pitts, David Holbrook, Matt McChesney.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “My daughter was about your age. Then she met a guy like you. Now she’s dead.”

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Every American college campus was apparently once the scene of an awful murder XX years before. Some believe it to be an urban legend (like the one at Pendleton University in, uh, Urban Legend), while others believe that it really, like, TOTALLY happened!

In Girls Nite Out, shot in ’82 as The Scaremaker, shelved for two years and then picked up and rebranded with an emphasis on the film’s more misogynistic undertones, the grisly murder that occurred on Dewitt University campus happened to security guard Hal Holbrook’s daughter.

The institutionalised loon responsible, Dickie Cavanaugh, hangs himself at the beginning of the movie and the two schmucks charged with burying him are smacked to death with a shovel by a shady assailant.

Action shifts to hi-jinks on campus. And by action, I mean a basketball game, lots of talking between the interchangeable teen characters, made up of the guys on the team and their respective girlfriends. There’s a lot of cheating going on. Lynn (Montgomery) is dating Teddy, but he’s actually sleeping with Dawn, who’s supposed to be going out with Bud. Sheila wants to ditch Pryor (David Holbrook, Hal’s junior) and hook up with Benson, the team mascot who prances round in a bear costume.

All of these revelations are quite boring. Get to the killing already.

There’s to be a cheerleader scavenger hunt after the post-game party, with clues being blurted out over the college  radio station. The kids flit about, flirting, talking about their emotions n’ stuff. Hal Holbrook crops up a few times. The perky waitress in the cafeteria comforts all those who are sad about their lives blah blah blah.

All of this is boring too. C’mon… more killing needed.

The party happens. Pryor makes a big scene when he sees Sheila and Benson necking, calls all girls whores and says he won’t forget it. Benson is then killed (yay!!!) but it’s dull and almost bloodless. The hissing killer snatches the bear costume and renders a claw out of some knives taped together around a handle. It’s the proto-Krueger!

See how easy it is to make:

The killer bear mascot finally starts slashing cheerleaders, tackling them and grunting “bitch! slut! whore!” while they shriek and hemorrhage red paint. These scenes are efficiently creepy in slasher movie terms but it’s difficult to take a loon in a teddybear costume seriously, especially as he growls his misogynistic insults to his dying nubile girlies.

In a strange twist for a slasher flick, the murders are discovered and Girls Nite Out crowbars in a little cops-interview-suspects scene where all the basketball boys say “you don’t think I have anything to do with this, do you?” Then, almost as an afterthought, Dawn re-enters the film and finds herself captured by the killer; Teddy goes to her rescue while Lynn calls for help. Hal Holbrook shows up and confronts the killer, who is nobody we really suspected and the film’s only decent revelation.

Girls Nite Out is a slow, muddled flick with no real conscious direction to it. The slashing part is well done and the bear is, if nothing else, different. But with so much time spent on the dull lives of the students, there’s next to no payoff for most of them. Julie Montgomery, despite getting top billing, is not a final girl. She may not die, but she’s never in any danger either. The basketball team is comprised of a bunch of assholes, most of whom should die but don’t.

Holbrook reportedly only shot for one day, uttering reactive lines to the camera and not featuring in scenes with any other cast members, which explains his entire lack of interest when the killer confesses to murdering his daughter rather than the deceased Dickie Cavanaugh.

The final shot has a creepy sub-Sleepaway Camp vibe to it, negated by the fact that the film just stops abruptly with several issues unresolved. It’s understandable why the movie was shelved for two years; it tries hard and looks good but fizzles out in a confusion of genre priorities.

I wanted to like Girls Nite Out more than when I last saw it twelve (!) years ago. And I did, but only half-a-star more. There’s only so much Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I’ve Got Love in My Tummy I can take.

Blurbs-of-interest: Rutanya Alda was also in When a Stranger Calls (1979) and You Better Watch Out as well as Amityville II; Lauren-Marie Taylor was Vickie in Friday the 13th Part 2; Carrick Glenn was Sally in The Burning.

Happy Friday the 13th y’all.

In the absence of anything new to say about my favourite franchise, here’s a self-whoring back-catalogue of what I’ve said in the past:

• 13 Things to Love About Friday the 13th
• The 13 Best Friday the 13th Characters
• The Final BOYS of Friday the 13th
• Pant-Soiling Scenes: Friday the 13th Part 2

Or the films themselves:

• The Original
• Part 2
• Part III
• The Final Chapter
• A New Beginning
• Jason Lives
• The New Blood
• Jason Takes Manhattan
• Jason X
• The Reboot

EASTER BUNNY, KILL! KILL!

2006/18/91m

“This year there will be no resurrection.”

Director/Writer: Chad Ferrin / Cast: Timothy Muskatell, Ricardo Gray, Charlotte Marie, David Z. Stamp, Amy Szychowski, Kele Ward, Jose I. Lopez, Ernesto Redarta, Marina Blumenthal, Trent Haaga.

Body Count: 8

Dire-logue: “I’d let him piss on my face just to see where it came from.”

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In today’s alarmist over-politically correct society, it’s difficult to know when you can and can’t use particular words. Such a case presented itself to me in Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!, the protagonist of which is a mentally disabled teenager. Can we say retarded? Is that still allowed? I’m going to use it anyway, they said it plenty of times in the film.

That’s not all, EBK!K! is a no-budget horror experience that tosses a few dodgy themes right at ya: It’s not often you’re presented with a person charged with caring for said retarded kid phoning an obese paedophile and INVITING him over the “teach the boy a lesson”. But that’s what happens. Challenging stuff – this is horror of a different kind.

Rewinding back to the beginning, things kick off with a robber in the plastic bunny mask from the DVD cover holding up a convenience store and cruelly gunning down the clerk even after getting all the cash and promising not to harm him. The robber is Remington, a chubby, sleazy fella who’s somehow having it away with nice nurse Mindy, who cares for her retarded son Nicholas.

On “Easter Eve” (!?), a hobo gives Nicholas a pet rabbit, which the boy believes is the Easter Bunny. When Remington comes by to stay over, he threatens to kill the animal if Nicholas doesn’t tell Mindy that Rem can move in with them.

The next day, Mindy leaves for a hospital shift, foolishly placing him in Rem’s care. The moment she’s out of the door, Remington dials his kiddie-fiddling fat friend Ray Mann (it took me a while to get that too) and heads off to find a few hookers to amuse himself later in the evening.

Crutch-hobbling Ray begins down the corridor towards Nicholas’s room, calling to him, which is just fucking creepy. See the dire-logue for his grossest quip. Thankfully, as he squats to check under the bed for the absent kid, he gets a knife in the eye from the killer Easter Bunny instead and then a power drill through the back of the head. Ha.

Soon after, Mindy’s ex-maintenance guy (scared off by Remington earlier) drops by with a heavy to recover his tools from the house and pilfer anything else he fancies. Naturally, Bunny does them in too, buzz-saw dismemberment for one, repeated hammer blows to the skull for t’other.

Then Remington comes back with hookers Brooke and Candy and, yeah, they bite it first before the sleaze merchant is the only one left and the killer strikes him down before the grand unmasking and motive-bit. Was Nicholas capable of planning it all? What about the hobo who gave him the rabbit?

Actually, the revelation was quite unexpected but leaves questions as to events from earlier in the film and its effect is almost completely destroyed by an insanely stupid twist staple-gunned to the end. What the hell were they thinking with THAT?

It’s a shame because, until this point, Easter Bunny has overcome its budgetary constraints thanks to impressive editing that makes the most out of quick cuts that don’t linger on the grue like so many dollar store slasher flicks. It’s gory but fleeting, showing restraint where most opt for excess.

Strange really that Easter has been left on the shelf in terms of slashable calendar dates, I mean, Jesus ‘returned from the dead’ so why is there no zombie movie based around that??

Some people just want a bigger slice of the pie. Unsatisfied with their singing careers, many artistes appear in a few music videos and suddenly think they’re the next Streep or Caine. So we get Beyoncé in Austin Powers, Justin Timberlake trying to be an action hero in the crappy In Time and Alanis Morissette playing GOD in Dogma!

So it was no surprise to anyone that, during the 90s horror resurgence, a few of these Prima Donnas thought they could kick it with the big boys and headline a slasher flick. Some did alright, agreeably dying in accordance with the audience’s wishes, while others thought their acting talents earned them the lead role. Poor deluded things…

Let’s take a look at who ruined what:

LL Cool J as Ronnie the security guard in Halloween H20

Who hell he? Rapper James Todd Smith started his career way back in 1985 and has since released 11 studio albums, featured as a guest rapper on a gazillion tracks and, surprisingly, carved out quite the respectable screen career, presently starring in NCIS: Los Angeles.

In the midst of horror: LL donned the usually doomed role of security guard at a California prep school where Jamie Lee Curtis was the headmistress. Unusually, he brought a charm to the role few other names on this list could dream of (not least Busta Rhymes who almost single-handedly destroyed the next film in the series).

He later pulled the rug of credibility out from under himself in a naff role in Deep Blue Sea the following year (for which he also contributed a dire theme song) and returned to slasherdom in Mindhunters in 2004.

Eventual Fate: Survives despite being shot.

Tatyana Ali as Monica in The Clown at Midnight

Who hell she? Former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air cast member and short-lived career singer Ali scored a big hit by duetting with series brethren Will Smith before seemingly being sucked into the career ether.

In the midst of horror: Ali cropped up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in this Canadian Scream knock-off, where a group of high school theater club kids are tormented by a psychotic but not remotely scary clown.

Eventual Fate: Skewered with a spear that she almost spins 360s around. But doesn’t.

Brandy as Karla in I Still  Know What You Did Last Summer

Who hell she? Brandy Norwood – who I had confused with Aaliyah for several years – had already headlined her own kids show, Moesha, for a couple of years and scored some gentile RnB chart hits, including this one featuring LL Cool J – hmmm. The only ones I know were Sittin’ Up in my Room from Waiting to Exhale and The Boy is Mine with genre clone Monica.

In the midst of horror: Brandy signed on to play the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in the cliché ridden killer fisherman sequel to the surprise 1997 hit. For the role, Brandy had to lip-sync (something I don’t doubt she was used to) her screams, so’s not to damage that precious voice… To be fair, she does ok with some godawful dialogue and has a cool chase scene.

Eventual Fate: Staggers from the wreckage at the last second after we all hoped believed she was dead.

Kylie Minogue as Hilary Jacobs in Cut

Who hell she? Pint-sized pop princess and international gay icon Kylie made her screen debut in cult Australian soap Neighbours before becoming one of the most successful artists on the planet, notching up 45 Top 20 hits in the UK between 1988 and 2011.

In the midst of horror: For her Drew Barrymore-esque cameo in Aussie comic-horror Cut, she appeared for all of five minutes as the tyrannical director of a low-budget horror film, Hot Blooded.

Eventual Fate: First to go, probably to the joy of many she gets her tongue cut out.

Snoop Dogg as Jimmy Bones in Bones

Who hell he? Pot-smoking LA rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg (later dropping the middle name) has been on the rap scene since the early 90s. Look, I know fuck all about rap. It bores me. He appeared on that Katy Perry track and was in some episodes of Weeds. And played Huggy Bear in the crappy Starsky & Hutch reboot.

In the midst of horror: Dogg rolled up as a killer from beyond the grave in this ghetto Elm Street wannabe, in which a murdered 70s big cheese rises from the dead to take revenge on those who killed him after they turned his beloved burg into a grotty ghetto of sleaze.

Eventual Fate: As the supernatural killer, he’s already dead and possesses daughter Bianca Lawson at the end.

Kris Kristofferson as Dr Mitchell in D-Tox

Who hell he? Texas folk strummer Kristofferson has never had a single UK chart hit but the weird alliteration of his name alone ensures most people have at the very least heard of him. Folk isn’t my thing either so I can’t tell you shit about his career.

In the midst of horror: KK phoned in a one-dimensional performance as the head shrink at a clinic for burned out cops, where Sylvester Stallone thinks there’s a police-hating serial killer on the prowl. In truth, I can’t remember a whole lot about the film now, only that the identity of the loon was evident from the outset and that a cast containing Charles S. Dutton, Courtney B. Vance, Sean Patrick Flanery and Robert Patrick could be so wasted in a film that virtually bypassed big screens everywhere for a dead future on DVD…

Eventual Fate: Dies, but I can’t remember how.

Busta Rhymes as Freddie Harris in Halloween: Resurrection

Who hell he? I know even less about Busta Rhymes than I do about Snoop Dogg. He sang on that really rubbish Half on a Baby with Mariah Carey and did a ‘song’ that sampled the Psycho theme (blaspheme!).

In the midst of horror: Rhymes, evidently spurned on by – or jealous of – LL Cool J and Snoop Dogg’s horror movie outings, somehow bagged the lead role in what is possibly the most hated film in the Halloween canon (though I actually don’t mind it at all) as a small time entertainment entrepreneur who organises a live webcast from the home of Michael Myers on Halloween night, unaware that the psycho has lived in a tunnel beneath the property for several years and objects to any visitors.

From his ridiculous Kung Fu showdown with Michael to his attempt at playing things cooler than a frozen cucumber, Rhymes is possibly the victim of a crap script. This is, after all, a film that tries to sell to us the idea that Michael Myers was not the guy beheaded at the end of H20. It’s more plausible and likely that he just can’t act.

Eventual Fate: Stabbed about three times but survives. Fuck it.

Kelly Rowland as Kia in Freddy vs Jason

Who hell she? One of the ‘other’ members of Destiny’s Child who merely existed under the shadow of the great Beyoncé, future X-Factor mentor and singer of a few half-decent solo hits. I can’t even picture the third girl. Hang on, weren’t there four at the start?

In the midst of horror: Rowland turned up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine (any one else noticing a theme?) in the long-awaited horror series mash-up. Kia says “girl” a lot and gives mouth-to-mouth to Jason Voorhees, for which he thanks her by slamming her against a tree. However, Rowland reportedly ad-libbed “faggot” as an insult against Freddy, which dropped her credibility through the floor in my book.

Eventual Fate: Machete sling into a nearby tree.

Paris Hilton as Paige in House of Wax

Who hell she? Before House of Wax, I was one of approximately six people on the planet who didn’t really know who Paris Hilton was. Everyone seemed to hate her. Apparently, the hotel chain heiress-slash-socialite is one of those famous-for-being-famous dollies who had a few ‘reality’ TV shows and squawked out a heavily auto-tuned album in 2006, which spawned the worldwide hit Stars Are Blind. She sings like she’s stoned.

In the midst of horror: The American marketing for this remake played heavily on Hilton’s character’s fate: See Paris Hilton Die! squawked the trailers. So divisive her star-status that it would have started a riot had she been cast as the final girl. Strangely, this was not Hilton’s first foray into slasher cinema, having already been offed in rubbish British ghost-horror Nine Lives. In Wax, she does okay with the role of best-friend-of-heroine (though for once, white!).

Eventual Fate: After an admittedly impressive chase scene, Paige gets a rusty old pole right through the head.

Jon Bon Jovi as Rich Walker in Cry_Wolf

Who hell he? “Ohhhh we’re halfway there…!” Leading man of supremo 80s hair metal rockers Bon Jovi, JBJ has enjoyed enormous global success with the band, turning out hits pretty much solidly for a quarter of a century. Everyone loves at least one Bon Jovi song.

In the midst of horror: Would you learn anything if Bon Jovi was YOUR teacher? No? Neither do any of the cast members in this cheat of a film, set at a snobby prep school where the students start a rumour about a campus cruising killer that backfires of them, then doesn’t, then does…

JBJ is the media lecturer and more intertwined with events than it at first seems. He says teacherly things, wears glasses and boring clothes and generally makes no impression whatsoever. But the film’s crap so who cares?

Eventual Fate: Shot dead because he’s the killer. No, wait! He isn’t! Is he? Fuck it, I have no clue what’s going on. Dies.

Tulisa Constavalos as Amber in Demons Never Die

Who hell she? One third of unspeakably dreadful UK ‘urban’ group N-Dubz, who, despite being a vacuum of talent, scored several substantial chart hits, including a number one single. Tulisa then went on to mentor on The X Factor, her girl group Little Mix eventually winning the show. Entirely thanks to her, of course.

In the midst of horror: Plays ‘the Drew Barrymore role’ in UK ‘urban’ slasher flick Demons Never Die, which I’ve not yet seen because it flopped so hard at the box office it barely played anywhere, drunkenly staggering its way to DVD in February 2011. Equally repugnant Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates also features.

Eventual Fate: She dies, but I don’t yet know how.

* * *

What does this teach us? If you’re a black female artist, you have no choice than to play the final girl’s best friend.

Who would you like to see bite it on the big screen? I imagine Justin Beiber would top a few lists. Simon Cowell would be forced to listen to Westlife until his brains bleed out his ears. Eminem could scream like a girl. Victoria Beckham could be force-dieted to death…

The list is endless.