Monthly Archives: June 2014

Jinkies!

SATURDAY MORNING MYSTERY

2.5 Stars  2012/18/88m

“Don’t meddle with the devil.”

A.k.a. Saturday Morning Massacre (UK DVD)

Director: Spencer Parsons / Writers: Kat Candler, Jonny Mars, Jason Wehling, Jory Balsimo, Aaron Leggett / Cast: Ashley Rae Spillers, Jonny Mars, Josephine Decker, Adam Tate, Paul Gordon, Heather Kafka, Sean Ryan, Wyeth Miller.

Body Count: 6


Don’t you wish Scooby Doo was real? Don’t you wish YOU were one of the Scooby Gang, driving around in a van randomly solving mysteries?

The live action movies weren’t as good as they could’ve been, so I was hopeful that this unofficial homage to all things Scooby would do the job. It almost does.

VW Camper-touring paranormal investigators Gwen (the Daphne), Chad (the Fred), Floyd (the Shaggy), smart-girl Nancy (the Velma), and their crossbreed Hamlet, are struggling ghost-debunkers who bust a child-pornography ring and are chastised by the cops for stomping all over their investigation.

When they are hired to look into the supposed haunting of the old Kyser mansion on behalf of land developers, they leap at the chance to earn some much-needed cash.

Only Chad houses any belief whatsoever in the paranormal and the eerie surroundings, fleeting shadows, and same noises soon get the better of the group… until they discover they accidentally ingested Floyd’s acid tabs.

We can see figures in reflections, creeping past in the fore or background: Someone is still there. So far, so Scooby Doo Meets Hell Night. The horror then begins when the van goes up in a blaze and the gang – who we were never sure would fall victim or not – start getting hunted by the primal loons running around the old halls.

Gears shift towards a House of 1,000 Corpses vibe as the climax looms and, by this point, the concept had lost its way big time. It’s one thing that too many slasher flicks can’t write a single likeable character, but here their familiarity (albeit based on a cartoon) makes it hard to watch them die. Including the dog, which lost it major points.

Interesting, nicely done idea, but the avenue it eventually wanders down doesn’t pan out, possibly because of the number of writers inputting ideas. I’d have actually preferred an unmasking followed by the usual “meddling kids!” retort. Que sera.

Sequel Showdown: 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s

As there are so few entries left (prequels will come next time), I decided to group the final ten titles into one globular post: A piece of discarded gum with various hockey masks, knives, razor-gloves, and creepy children stuck to it.

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The Sevens: Children of the Corn: Revelation; Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

A fairly decent group here… The Corn movies were getting stranger and stranger, but the producers of this seventh outing at least managed to inject a small vial of… let’s call it ‘dis-settlement’ rather than creepiness. Jason’s seventh stomp through the woods (fifth, if we’re going to be really pedantic about it) pit him against a Carrie-lite chick with telekinetic powers. Halloween H20 reunited Jamie Lee Curtis with her psychotic big-bro as a reaction to Scream. And Wes Craven had the final laugh by making a Freddy film about Freddy films.

It’s actually difficult to choose… Corn can get the boot first, naturally, but between the three mainstays, we’ve got a naff-but-fun soggy sequel, a reboot that harshly ignored all the work people did in previous films, and an inventively scary but kinda draggy chiller with little-to-no slashing at all. Hmmm…

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The Eights: Children of the Corn: Genesis; Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan; Halloween: Resurrection; Freddy vs. Jason (I know, I know, it’s both an 8 and an 11, but I’m tired and hungry).

Genesis is so bad it hurts. Goodbye. Followed swifty by the worst of the original Paramount Fridays. Even a non-gorehound like me needed a little claret on show to liven this one up… Halloween: Resurrection not only concocted the most stupid fucking way of bringing back Michael Myers, it also has Busta Rhymes in it. BUT… as a cheesy standalone slasher movie, I do like it. Then there’s the WWE smackdown of the other two slasher movie heavyweights.

More hmmm-ing required…

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Nine and Ten: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday; Jason X

With only two films this should be easy. Both suck in terms of their franchise, but which sucks more? Hell went all Hidden with this demon-spirit of J-man but had an awesome opening few minutes and that camping scene. X, on the other hand, tried to do something different. It failed, but at least they tried. There were a couple of chuckles too

The Finalists:

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Not a great pot to choose from, really… New Nightmare is technically the best made, but how often do I want to sit down and watch it? Almost never. So Halloween: H20 succeeds it. On the basis I didn’t want to be Halloweened out, I plumped for Freddy vs Jason, and the good scenes in Jason Goes to Hell just beat out the good scenes from Jason X, so the former takes the glory. Albeit as short lived as a visitor to Camp Crystal Lake, because it’s not gonna win.

The Winner:

Best of a bad bunch, it might be. Halloween H20 is decent fare, but the whole “3 to 6 never happened” stuff is unforgivable. Jamie Lee’s return buoys it, the low body count tips it in the opposite direction again, so does Josh Hartnett, but it’s way better than Jason Goes to Hell and just about pips Freddy vs Jason in qualitative terms.

Bit of a dull winner, but a winner nonetheless.

TGI Friday: Jason, row the boat ashore

…Halleluuuuuujah!

My birthday was this week and I was gratified to receive a guitar, having borrowed one for the last few months while I attend classes.

It struck me that the whole reason I wanted to learn was, like most things in my life, because of Friday the 13th – the 1958 opening scene in particular where doomed Camp Crystal Lake counsellor Claudette leads her fellow teeny-boppers in a chorus of Michael, Row the Boat Ashore.

I can’t play it yet, we’re still focused on Personal Jesus and Best Day of My Life. But it won’t be long…

Pig out

SLAUGHTERHOUSE

3 Stars  1987/18/79m

A.k.a. Bacon Bits; Pig Farm Massacre

“Buddy’s got an axe to grind… A big axe.”

Director / Writer: Rick Roessler / Cast: Sherry Bendorf, Don Barrett, William Houck, Joe Barton, Eric Schwartz, Jane Higginson, Jeff Grossi, Bill Brinsfield, Lee Robison, Jeff Wright.

Boy Count: 11

Laughter Lines: “Buddy’s a good boy, but he’s got what you’d call ‘basic hygiene problems’.”


This endearing ‘lil slasher from California might be a cheap combo of bits from Friday the 13th and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but there’s a curious charm to it often absent from the late-cycle slasher films of the 1980s.

Lester and Buddy Bacon are father and (retarded) son who run an old style pig slaughterhouse that is due to be auctioned off by the state. But Lester is a proud man who won’t give in without a fight and, at the end of his tether, sets about doing away with the people trying foreclose on him, as well as a few prying deputies, and a group of airhead teenagers who are shooting a horror film at the farm.

Nowhere near as gruesome as its title suggests – the grossest scenes are the footage of how such a place works, shown during the opening credits. A fun little B-flick with a good final girl in Bendorf, and a crucial dose of self awareness and black humour.

TGI Friday (the 13th): Bricks and pieces

“Happy” Friday the 13th again! It’s HIS day (Jason’s, not some religious figurehead).

So, a while back on TGI Friday there was the Lego homage to Camp Crystal Lake I cobbled together, and another time I rendered Hell Night out of bricks.

A few months back, I received an awesome email from my new friend Eric Weber, who, in some really creepy coincidence, had done the same thing!!! Behold his tribute to Friday:

Gotta be said, Mrs Voorhees is looking terrific in minifigure form – even the expression is on point! And Adrienne King would kill for that hair!

Elsewhere, Eric re-tooled Hell Night and Motel Hell:

Awesomeness abounds. Though I only have hazy memories of Motel Hell, I’m sure it’s not as fun as this.

To have a closer look at these and some other horrors he’s ‘bricked’, have a look here: http://yetihideout.blogspot.com/2012/11/chip-off-old-block.html and also here: http://yetihideout.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-chip-off-old-block-ii.html

Now, go check your doors, windows, tent-zipper… Jason’s out there, and he’s hungry.

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