Monthly Archives: September 2014

Horror schmorror

HEEBIE JEEBIES

1 Stars  2004/18/89m

“Scarier than hell!”

Directors: Doug Evans & Michael Hawkins-Burgos / Writers: Doug Evans & J.J. Shebesta / Cast: Bobbie Jo Westphal, Michael Hawkins-Burgos, Angela Kane, Reaca Pearl, Jeff Lee, Doug Evans, Vanessa Yuille, Jonathan Wainwright.

Body Count: 10


A bizarre horror anthology strung together against the backdrop of a gory little slasher opus.

Main character Cassie can dream the future, proven by forecasting the murder of her mother years earlier. Having experienced dreams concerning some old high school friends, she takes the most ridiculous action conceivable and invites them to a bogus reunion at a dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere: the perfect location for an all-out stalk n’ slash-a-thon.

We take intermittent detours into Cassie’s nightmares, which range from the acceptably strange (a sibling’s prank on his sister that goes too far) to head-scratchingly ludicrous (rock-monsters that come to life in the dark) via the mundanely twisted (a hit and run accident that gets progressively worse for the driver…)

Meanwhile, the teens in the house under-react to the rising body count, as they’re decapitated and hacked one by one. Ultimately, the coda wraps it up neatly enough, but the vignettes are so leftfield that it pulls the rug right out from under the confused viewer’s tootsies. Annoying more than anything.

Today I love… Halloween: Resurrection (God forgive me)

Halloween: Resurrection… at the time of writing it has a 4.0 rating on IMDb and everyone moans how crap it is. But not me, no! I can’t help it, there’s just something about it that I like…

  • It’s not Busta Rhymes’ sorry excuse for acting;
  • It’s not the beyond-ridiculous Twist of Fury that is the explanation for Michael being alive;
  • And it’s not the stupid ‘murder’ of Laurie Strode (notice that her fall is partly broken by tree branches?)

It’s the slashtasticness of it… As a dead-teenager Halloween-set stalk n’ slash film, it’s just super fun.

  • The slayings are bloody and archetypal of the genre;
  • The final girl is remotely aided by a room full of over-acting teenagers;
  • The theme tinkers along when needed;
  • It’s more than well enough made;
  • And it’s still about 10,000,000 times better than the Rob Zombie films;
  • Tyra Banks makes this face:

There, pool your cash resources and get me therapy.

What joy?

KILLJOY

1.5 Stars  2000/18/72m

“He’s not clowning around!”

Director: Craig Ross / Writer: Carl Washington / Cast: Angel Vargas, Vera Yell, Lee Marks, D Austin, Jamal Grimes, William L. Johnson, Corey Hampton, Rano Goulant.

Body Count: 4

Laughter Lines: “That is why I’m here – to tell you all that you are in grave danger from the evil that calls itself…Killjoy!”


With a score of 2.4 on IMDb, this should really suck. In a lot of ways, it does, but I can at least say I wasn’t suicidally bored watching Killjoy – something that can’t be said for several other films I’ve endured recently.

Archetypal dork Michael (Grimes) loves Jada (Yell), but gets beaten up by her violent ex-boyfriend Lorenzo (Johnson) at every available opportunity. He tries to summon Killjoy, a sub-Beetlejuice murderous clown, to exact revenge, but is kidnapped and shot dead by Lorenzo and his homeys beforehand.

Soon after, each member of the gang is coerced by Killjoy in his ice-cream van, which serves as a portal to a nether realm where he imprisons them. Think Freddy in the Hood.

The ghost of a random homeless guy appears to Jada’s friend Monique and tells her that only Jada can defeat Killjoy by breaking Michael’s heart and destroying the doll. But Killjoy won’t go that easily.

Highlights include:

  • (without validation) “We should split up.” / “What?” / “It’s the only way!”
  • A booming off-camera voice from the sky to remind Jada about the doll (but sounds like the actor is stood beside the cameraman).
  • Monique, upon realising that Killjoy is undefeated and has minions to do his bidding, says “oh no” as if she’s broken a nail.
  • Watch the eyebrows of ‘the girlfriend’ in the scene at the club near the end.

Dreadful in almost every way, but kinda funny at times, and at least Vargas really throws his all into the title role.

Funhouse. Without the fun part.

DARK RIDE

2.5 Stars  2006/18/94m

“The last ride you’ll ever take!”

Director / Writer: Craig Singer / Writer: Robert Dean Klein / Cast: Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Patrick Renna, Alex Solowitz, David Rogers, Jennifer Kelly Tisdale, Andrea Bogart, Brittney Coyle, Chelsey Coyle, Dave Warden.

Body Count: 10

Laughter Lines: “Why does it always have to be Jonah… or Jason… or Jedidiah? I mean why can’t it be Bob, or Gus, or even Chris?”


It’s The Funhouse revisited when six road-tripping college kids stop over at the abandoned ‘Dark Ride’ (to the rest of us: ghost train) of Asbury Park Pier, New Jersey (through obviously Santa Monica Pier), to take a look at the place where twin sisters were murdered in 1989 by the psychotic who happened to escape from his institution a fortnight earlier… Hilarity turns to horror as the masked maniac breaks up their party by knocking them off in textbook slasher movie style.

Dark Ride was one of the ‘After Dark Horrorfest’ titles, and so gained a limited theatrical release. Quite why it was chosen for the festival of films ‘too intense’ remains a bit of a mystery as there’s very little here that hasn’t been seen or done on multiple previous occasions and with a bit more flair as well. While Craig Singer is a competent director and makes good use of visual effects and has some nice setups to toy with, the script is so paint-by-numbers that virtually nothing that happens is a surprise.

A major problem lies in the characters: Sigler (of The Sopranos) isn’t a particularly likeable heroine and her friends are nothing but a string of stereotypes who bitch and moan about everything with the exception of film-nerd Bill (Renna), who just doesn’t belong at all. The production team have evidently made a beeline for an authentic old-school feel with their film, but have overlooked the requirement for happy, bouncy teens the audience might care about seeing sliced and diced, rather than a bunch of snotty brats who don’t have a single nice thing to say to one another.

Another detracting factor is that, after the opening scare, it takes an hour for the massacre proper to kick off, but at least when it does it’s garnished with some grisly demises, including a sticky cranial split. The Jason-like killer, Jonah, also has one of the creepier masks in some time, but you can just smell that last-minute twist coming, especially as one particular character hasn’t been seen in a while…

How to rank it? Well, it’d be the better half of a double bill with the not dissimilar See No Evil.

ABBA: Never underestimate their global impact on horror

 

 

Alex and the wolf

DEADLY DREAMS

3 Stars  1988/18/76m

“Shocking, grisly murders… Did he dream them, commit them, or both?”

Director: Kristine Peterson / Writer: Thom Babbes / Cast: Mitchell Anderson, Juliette Cummins, Xander Berkeley, Thom Babbes.

Body Count: 5

Laughter Lines: “He sacrificed a fucking deer in there, and he’s going to sacrifice ME!”


While definitely not your average killer-from-the-past tale, Deadly Dreams seesaws between a Halloween-lite psycho slasher and Hitchcockian thriller.

Aged ten, Alex (Anderson) bore witness to the shootings of his parents at the hands of a business rival of his father’s. Ten years later he suffers from recurrent nightmares that the wolf-masked killer has come back for him. His power-suit clad brother (Berkeley) offers him nothing but pressure to use his share of their inheritance for his failing business venture; new girlfriend Maggie doesn’t seem to understand, and best bud Danny keeps playing pranks on him in between drug trips.

After several brutal subconscious incidents – the best of which has a fab knife-through-pillows filleting – Alex believes he’s actually losing it and his waking encounters with wolfie are hallucinations. Soon after this point, the plot takes a dramatic, fairly unpredictable twist before going hammer and tongs into the woodland finale where Alex learns the painful truth.

Impressive as revelation is, it’s nothing compared to the staggering final surprise, one which lifts Deadly Dreams from forgettable video territory to a low-budget gem. Unfortunately, too few people have seen or appreciated it so it remains largely unknown.

Gay actor Mitchell Anderson is fine as the agitated lead and it’s always good to see Cummins on screen, while director Kristine Peterson turns in a good looking production that truly deserves more credit than it has so far received.

Blurbs-of-interest: Anderson was also in All-American Murder; Juliette Cummins was Robin in Friday the 13th Part VPsycho III, and Slumber Party Massacre II.

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