PSYCHO III

1986/18/89m

“Norman’s back to normal. But mother’s off her rocker!”

Director: Anthony Perkins / Writer: Charles Edward Pogue / Cast: Anthony Perkins, Diana Scarwid, Jeff Fahey, Roberta Maxwell, Hugh Gillin, Robert Alan Browne, Juliette Cummins, Katt Shea Ruben, Gary Bayer.

Body Count: 5

Direlogue: “I must have left the bathroom in a real mess…” / “I’ve seen it worse.”

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Back to the Bates Motel for Round III, this time directed by Perkins himself and set a matter of months after the events of Psycho II, which saw Norman bludgeon friendly old waitress – and closet psychette – Mrs Spool to death after she claimed she was his real mother.

The local cops are still looking for Spool, who is placed in her window seat in the Bates house, and bolshy reporter Maxwell has turned up, intent to do a story on Norman about rehabilitated offenders.

To further complicate matters, a young Novice (Scarwid) comes to the motel after a dramatic crisis of faith caused the death of her Mother Superior – it doesn’t help Norman’s twitchy state of mind that she looks like a doppelganger of Marion Crane…and is called Maureen Coyle!

Mother, of course, takes an instant dislike to Maureen and decides to do away with her, only to find that Maureen has already tried to do away with herself. Saved from suicide, everyone thinks Norman saved a life, with the exception of the nosy reporter chick, who tells all to the Bates Motel’s untrustworthy new assistant manager, Duke (Fahey).

People soon begin to die: Duke’s one-nighter in a phone box recreation of that shower scene and one very unfortunate girl who comes to party with a truckload of college football players who suffers the indignity of getting her throat slashed while on the can!

Nosy reporter chick’s digging on the vanished Mrs Spool soon unearths a connection to Norma Bates and she decides that she needs to get into the Bates house for answers, where we’ll find out once and for all who’s dressed up in a wig, dress and hefty shoes and brandishing a shiny kitchen knife…

…And it’s Norman. But then, who else could it be this time around? There are no other suspects to pick from, unlike Psycho II, which functions more as a mystery. Although this unmasking is both unsurprising and a tad disappointing, it does allow for us to see Norman dressed up as Mom for the first time in 26 years and we get to witness this once in a lifetime expression of insane glee…

Psycho III is an underrated entry; it’s almost as good as its predecessor and in some ways it’s more fun. At a lean hour and a half, it never becomes tiresome and there’s a defined thread of humour running through it, with some great lines and nods back to the original. Perkins directs more than competently and his cast support him well, with a nice twist on who we expect to become the heroine at the end. Although number four provides some interesting insights, it’d have been better if things were left here.

Blurbs-of-interest: Perkins appeared in Destroyer two years later; Gillin and Browne both returned from Psycho II; Juliette Cummins was Robin in Friday the 13th Part V, Sheila in Slumber Party Massacre II and was also in Deadly Dreams; Jeff Fahey was in Fallen Angels; and most interestingly, Katt Shea – toilet victim – actually directed both Stripped to Kill movies and The Rage: Carrie 2.

SLAUGHTERED

2009/18/76m

“You’ll be legless… Armless… Headless…”

Director/Writer: Kate Glover / Cast: Chloe Boreham, Christopher Tomkinson, Cassandra Angelia Swaby, Steven O’Donnell, James Kerley, Erica Baron, Michael Lewis, Tudor Vasile.

Body Count: 10

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Britain and Australia share a pub culture like no other, different from trendy bars in the city, “the local” is the choice meeting point for all kinds of folk to sup on a pint, or – in the case of many – down so much that you fall asleep and later stagger on home.

A local pub is the setting for this Australian indie flick, which couldn’t have cost much more than a round of beers. With a plot so simple it was doubtlessly scripted on the back of a beermat, Slaughtered‘s got some problems alright with amateur night acting, a crap sound mix and an obvious killer who has absolutely no motive.

Yeah, that’s right! There’s no big unmasking or soliliquy of why-I-killed-y’all at the end, it just pretty much stops! Where are the cops? Why aren’t they clearing up bodies and collecting evidence? Why did everyone keep working despite the fact they’d found bodies strewn all over the joint?

If it was intended to be a parody, it doesn’t work. It’s funny but not in the right way and suffers from a major case of predictablosis with a second string of budgets disease. Although it must be said the gore jobs aren’t bad at all, despite that in the scene where a girl is forced to ingest shards of broken glass it’s clear as day that there’s nothing in the liquid!

Silly but inoffensive stuff, notable only for being one of the few slasher films directed by a Sheila.

BIKINI ISLAND

1991/18/82m

“Sex, sun, and murder…”

Director: Anthony Markes / Writers: Emerson Bixby, Diana Levitt & Anthony Markes / Cast: Holly Floria, Alicia Anne Kowalski, Jackson Robinson, Sherry Jansen, Kelly Pool, Gaston Le Gaf, Cyndi Pass, Shannon Stiles, Cathleen McOsker, Terry Miller.

Body Count: 9

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Bikini Island…where the moon is out during the day and women favour one-piece swimsuits instead. How can it fail?

‘Based in part on a true story’, five swimsuit models duke it out for cover-star status and a $100,000 prize. Trouble is, somebody is expiring their modelling contacts earlier than expected. The pesky killer likes to do away with victims primarily with a fucking sink plunger to the face or, later on, a bow and arrow.

There’s more nudity and sex than there is horror in this translucent tat, a carbon copy of which was created by near on the same team and cast a year later in the slightly more watchable Last Dance - in which the killer had pretty much the same motive.

Here though, the fiend’s identity is thinly disguised by ‘suspicious’ zooms and the sound of a cello around various supporting characters, including a bitchy assistant and a freaky hotel custodian who appears to be the only member of staff.

It takes a good (read: not good) 40 minutes before the action takes flight, struggles, and ditches into the sea, culminating in the killer’s archery massacre in the last five minutes that ups the body count significantly before a short but amusing chase scene when the bimbo heroine confronts the killer but in the end I felt sorry only for the VW Camper Van which sails over a cliff edge.

Blurbs-of-interest: director Markes and actor Kelly Pool were involved with Last Dance.

BERSERKER

1987/18/79m

“It’s too late to run. There’s no time to scream… Just close your eyes and pray to die.”

Director/Writer: Jef Richard / Cast: Joseph Alan Johnson, Greg Dawson, Valerie Sheldon, Rodney Montague, Shannon Engemann, Beth Toussaint, John Goff, George ‘Buck’ Flower.

Body Count: 5

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The video box says that it’s based on “an old Nordic Legend.” Wow… that’s like saying it’s based on an urban legend – you know it means nothing. But given the final product, working the promo for this film couldn’t have been easy…

According to the stock-nerd character, a Berserker is some kind of Viking dude who has a bear mask, eats human flesh and has coincidentally been reincarnated in a descendant to “terrify” a group of “teenagers” who go on a camping trip where an elderly couple were shredded at the start. So far, so The Prey. But somehow even less engaging.

Who is the ancestor likely going to be? Mike, Josh, Kathy, Larry or Pappy Nyquist? I’m going for Josh.

Berserker barely qualifies as a slasher film at all, with a dismal body count and only two of the “teenagers” actually dying – both female, while the complete and utter dickhead guy is spared, as is the nerd, the cry-baby jock and a girl who does or says next to nothing.

Good opportunities to create tension slip right through writer-director Richard’s fingers and the lack of any strong, central heroine loses marks also. 79 minutes never felt so long.

Blurbs-of-interest: Flower turns up here and there in Cheerleader Camp, The Gas Station and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama; Joseph Alan Johnson was not only in the original Slumber Party Massacre but also wrote and starred in Iced! But the true before-they-were-famous star here is Beth Toussaint – and she gets naked!! She supplied the voice of the female caller in Scream 3 and has appeared in numerous soaps and TV shows.

LAST DANCE

1992/18/80m

“An erotic thriller featuring the hottest young dancers, but the prize will go to the sole survivor.”

Director: Anthony Markes / Writer: Emerson Bixby / Cast: Cynthia Stanton, Elaine Hendrix, Kurt T. Williams, Kelly Poole, Kimberly Speiss, Allison Rhea, Erica Ringstrom, Marci Brickhouse.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “Was that your mother I ran over in the parking lot? You should teach her not to chase cars.”

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If Angela Lansbury turned up – to visit another of her numerous relatives – Last Dance could easily be mistaken for an episode of Murder She Wrote.

Five sexy female dancers competing for the ironic title of Miss DTV (Dance TV), a launchpad for dancing in music videos and movie roles, whilst being summarily danced off stage forever by a mystery killer, who could be bitter choreographer Meryll, jilted barman Rick or club owner Jim, who is screwing around with most of the girls. Softcore porn inserts aside, this could easily pass for a lower certificate.

As the killer is finally revealed (and it’s not hard to guess who it is), new-girl/heroine Jamie protests her innocence by whining “it’s not fair!” like a seven-year-old having a tantrum but still manages to defeat the killer with a glitter ball of all things until they later return with a Phantom of the Opera facial for another go after Jamie wins the crown, somehow disguising themselves as a busboy, despite gaping scars down their face!

Elaine Hendrix had some moderate success with roles in Romy & Michele and The Parent Trap remake amongst other things. Random, bizarre and so bad you’ll laugh yourself stupid. Stupider. More stupid.

Blurbs-of-interest: Director Markes had already helmed Bikini Island and had also cast Kelly Poole in it. Kimberly Speiss was in Psycho Cop Returns.