Category Archives: Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 7: Psycho Babble

Psycho’s have problems too! They might’ve seen a counsellor who asked them “How does that make you feeeeel?” in two dozen different ways before they flipped and decided the best form of therapy was homicide…

If not, there’s bound to be someone about with some valuable insight into the killer’s problems, the final girl’s repressed issues, or what things are responsible for driving someone insane…

Behold the pop-psychological insights of the slasher realm:

CARVER (2008): “Sometimes we’ve gotta cut ourselves just to make sure we still bleed.”

FINGERPRINTS (2006): “A hair test is the only way to be sure that you’re drug-free!”

HALLOWEEN II (2009): “Bad taste is the petrol that drives the American dream.”

HATCHETMAN (2003): “Mommy taking her clothes off isn’t as bad as hurting people.”

HOME SICK (2007): “When a psychopath can invade the sanctity of your home and bleed all over your furnishings… we’ve fallen on dark days.”

THE HORROR SHOW (1989): “I was working on a theory of pure evil as a form of electromagnetic energy…”

THE LAST HORROR FILM (1983): “Many people believe that repeated viewings of these films is warping the minds of you young people.”

LIGHTHOUSE (1999): “Two words can sum that up: sick fuck.”

MADHOUSE (2003): “Funny that you’d ask a madman if he’s seen anything unusual.”

NINE LIVES (2002): “Tim wouldn’t turn into a psycho killer over a bobble hat!”

PSYCHO BEACH PARTY (2000): “In the past I’ve had little use for you head shrinks: Ink blot tests, ‘I hate my mother’ and all that crap.”

SCREAM (1996): “She realises that teen suicide is out this year and that homicide is a much healthier therepeutic expression.”

SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH (2000): “I killed my cousin, my heart’s broken and my sister’s dead.”

SHROOMS (2006): “You can’t fuck up what’s already fucked.”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 6: Oh, the wit…

Some people are funny, some people aren’t (Ricky Gervais, Adam Sandler, I’m looking at you). Some horror films try to be funny and, on occasion, it works, other times it’s just a little cringe-inducing. Regardé…

ALL-AMERICAN MURDER (1991): “I’ll be history before my next history class.”

APRIL FOOL’S DAY (2008): “This is supposed to celebrate someone coming out, not going out.”

THE CURSE OF EL CHARRO (2005): “You said it, sweet cunt, now get the hell out of here before I get bitchy.”

HELL NIGHT (1981): “If you weren’t screamin’…and we weren’t screamin’… Then someone’s trying to mind-fuck us.”

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1997): “What are we gonna say? ‘Hi, we killed your son and we were in the neighbourhood, so…'”

MOTOR HOME MASSACRE (2005): “Woah…last time this thing was on the road Michael Jackson was cool.”

SANTA’S SLAY (2005): “File that next to brown-coloured toilet paper as a bad idea.”

SAVAGE LUST (1989): “What’s next – Uncle Fester on the patio?”

SPIKER (2007): “I’d rather screw a porcupine than touch your spooky ass!”

TURISTAS (2006): “Hello mate, here’s your dead nephew and, by the way, you’re out of Scotch.”

WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK (1988): “Welcome to spring break: the annual migration of the idiot.”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 5: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby – Part II

It’s been a while since we “celebrated” the sonically idiotic verbal diarrhoea of the common-or-garden slasher movie character.

As expected, teens talk a lot about sex, so continuing on from our last instalment, here’s more of their inspired insights into the carnal world…

BLACK SERENADE (2001): “It was a question of survival: my dick or my life.”

BLEED (2002): “You wanna see tits? Well here they are and fuck you!”

DARK WALKER (2003): “You know they call orgasms ‘little deaths’… I want a little death tonight.”

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009): “I have a better shot of fucking a penguin than that girl.”

HONEYMOON HORROR (1981): “It’s the biggest piece of meat I’ve ever seen!”

LOVERS LANE (1999): “You are gonna fuck me right now or I’m gonna kill your faggot ass!”

MONSTER MAN (2003): “‘Fucking virgin’? Isn’t that an oxymoron?”

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985): “I’m as horny as a rooster in a Chinese henhouse!”

A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER (1983): “Vicki felt as though someone faceless was making love to her in bright flashing colours that were changing from one second to the next.”

SCAR (2007): “Hey altar boy! Come up here and take my virginity – I’m not graduating with it!”

SLAUGHTER HOTEL (1971): “Your desire to make love is obsessive; compulsive. Go and take a shower.”

THE TOYBOX (2007): “I just want someone to notice my breasts.”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 4: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby – Part I

There are so many conversations about sex in slasher films that feature perfect put-downs, epic vernacular failures and splendid stupidity that the fourth volume of Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits will have to be divided into THREE sub-volumes, kinda like if Madonna put out an entire singles collection… But no, she, Bon Jovi, Kylie, MJ et al all pike out on what their record label “believes” everyone wants to hear.

Anyway: Sex. Let’s see how funny it can be… Warning: post contains lots of naughty sex words.

AMSTERDAMNED (1988): “No more money means no more pussy… And I won’t go Dutch.”

CRY_WOLF (2005): “Tonight you could’ve gotten laid – but instead you got fucked.”

DESTROYER (1988): “Hey this is the 80’s, doll, nudity is required of everyone!”

THE GAY BED & BREAKFAST OF TERROR (2007): “You will no longer yearn for the engorged penis of a well-muscled man in uniform. From this point on you will embrace the light of God and dream of the sugar-sweet Holy vaginal walls of your soon-to-be wife…”

THE HOLLOW (2004): “Teach me the meaning of the word BONEyard…”

KILLER’S MOON (1978): “Look…you were only raped. As long as you don’t tell anyone about it you’ll be fine.”

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4 (1988): “Hey honey… You’re sucking on the wrong nozzle…” / “Hey-yo Needledick! I bet you’re the only guy in school suffering from penis envy.”

PIECES (1983): “The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed.”

RETURN OF THE FAMILY MAN (1989): “In England, shagging means fucking.”

SCARECROW SLAYER (2003): “You know, you have a real small penis for a guy who’s a real big dick!”

SNAPPED (2005): “So, your solution to my dilemma being ‘all men are dicks so stick yours in me?'”

TRAIN (2008): “Screw you, you un-circumsized little fuck!”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 3: Exsqueeze Me? Baking Powder?

Here we go again, still more of those senseless utterings from the casts of a squillion B-movies. Volume 3 turns our head in the direction of things that, well, just don’t seem to mean a damn thing – those moments where you wish another character would go: “Like, seriously? Those words just came from your mouth!?

CARNAGE ROAD (2000): “My mom says I’m toothily challenged. She says when I get my braces I could be a model.”

DEVON’S GHOST (2005): “First day of school and we have a double homicide. How’s this going to look to the school board?”

MAKE A WISH (2003): “I just don’t like to see ladies bothered by people who’re bothering them. It’s…bothersome.”

DEAD KIDS (1981): “Here are the files from the college: 135 overweight girls.”

DON’T GO IN THE WOODS (1981): “Peter! That could have been a fatal mistake – jumping off a log.”

FINAL DESTINATION 2 (2006): “If Clear was right that means Nora and Tim are going to be attacked by pigeons.”

MAY (2002): “When I left for vacation my dog had four legs. When I came back…now…she only has three.”

DROWNING GHOST (2004): “Three pupils were murdered one hundred years ago: we must celebrate that.”

A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER (1983): “Someone was calling her…the voice seemed to be coming from the hat box.”

DEADLY BLESSING (1981): “She’s so dumb she couldn’t pour piss from a boot if instructions were on the heel.”

JIGSAW (2002): “As a wise man once said, I’d rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

FINAL EXAMINATION (2003): “Just spell my name right: it’s Shane with a C.”

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