Category Archives: Lists

Rankfest: A Nightmare on Elm Street

I just realised I said Halloween would be next but it’s all lies… So from Crystal Lake we fly west to Springwood to check out how I like my Elm Streets

9th Best: Freddy’s Dead (1991)


With both Freddy and Jason’s ‘final’ adventures, The Final Nightmare peters out with little of the flair that made the concept so good in the first place. This was released in the UK around the same time Queen singer Freddie Mercury died, making the TV adverts staying ‘Freddy’s Dead!’ wildly inappropriate.

Best Bit: Sadly, the montage of best bits from parts 1-5.

8th: The Dream Child (1989)


The attempt to revert to the dark roots of the series resulted in a pretty boring entry on the coattails of the most successful of the 80s installments. Although drippy heroine Alice finally comes to the fire in a non-annoying way, by this point there were way too many tie-ins, toys, music videos, and the TV show, all of which diluted any fear Krueger had injected into anybody.

Best Bit: I actually can’t think of one.

7th: The Remake (2010)


Less Elm Street, more Emo Street as the re-imagining of the story pits a group of thoroughly depressing high schoolers against Jackie Earle Haley’s less quippy Krueger. He’s fine, and there are some good ideas floating around (the curse of the dreams is kind of passed along after each death) but, as with the Halloween remake, the cover version part of it can’t hold a candle, and seems like a cheap afterthought.

Best Bit: The opening nightmare is pretty good and Katie Cassidy is a good screamer.

6th: Freddy vs Jason (2003)


It’s crap, especially compared to the New Nightmare, but Jason’s presence makes it avidly more watchable from an entertainment standpoint. Freddy doesn’t get to do a whole lot of slashing, but comes to the party fully equipped with a quip for every action.

Best Freddy Bit: “She was mine! Mine! Miiiiiiiine!!!”

5th: New Nightmare (1994)


Wes Craven, pissed off with what had become of his creation, re-seized the reigns just two years before Scream came along, and completely overhauled the series, reinstating Heather Langenkamp playing herself, now tormented by the films that made her name, as Freddy comes after her family. It’s all very clever, but not much of a slasher film, running a bit too long to enjoy repeated viewings, but is undeniably an amazing example of somebody reclaiming their work.

Best Bit: John Saxon falling back into character before a perplexed Heather.

4th: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)


I hated this one in the beginning, being such a departure from the first, switching the focus to a homo-repressed teenage boy, who has recently moved into 1428 Elm Street. However, repeated viewings have unveiled much to like, from the colourful 80s tone, some laughably bad acting, and some awesome nightmare scenarios, it’s subsequently leapt up the rankings.

Best Bit: The school bus nightmare opener, relative and really well done.

3rd: The Dream Master (1988)


The MTV Nightmare was a combination of fortuitous circumstances that led to huge box office takings: Freddy was riding the top of his pop culture wave, FX work was at a revolutionary turning point and the dream sequences were rendered with amazing innovation and creativity. Points lost for little to no grue, and a sappy, annoying final girl.

Best Bit: Debbie’s transformation into an insect.

2nd: Dream Warriors (1987)


The ‘proper’ sequel to the events of the first film: Six years later, Nancy returns to help a group of nightmare-plagued teenagers at a psych ward where nobody seems able to understand their collective problem, writing it off as mass-hysteria. This marked the last time the adults-know-better theme was used to full effect. Freddy was also legitimately still a scary boogeyman, tormenting Patricia Arquette’s heroine in some perfectly realised nightmare situations.

Best Bit: “Welcome to primetime, bitch!” (or is it “fuck the primetime”?)

1st: The Original (1984)


Wes Craven got everything right – with the possible exception of the end – and built New Line studios on the back of a script that had been turned down by every other studio in Hollywood. Centrally, the motif of sleep=death is up there with a shark in the water off Amity Island, but you can stay out of the sea. How long can you stay awake?

 Cleverly, the film foregoes murder after murder to focus on final girl Nancy’s battle with staying awake, something we all tried after seeing it, I’m sure. I once managed a couple of days by going through a crate of 24 Pepsi cans. Unquestionably one of the most important horror films ever made.

Best Bit: Nancy’s gradual progression from suburban any-girl to trap-manufactuing, Krueger-kicking badass.

A Final Destination movie a day (keeps the paranoia in play)

Time on my hands… Last week I opted to watch a Final Destination film a day. Why? Probably dreamt about it. Or talked about it. It’s always fun to notice new things:

Monday: Final Destination (2000)

This viewing’s rating 5 Stars


  • I continue to advocate the Flight 180 plane crash as the scariest disaster of all five films.
  • The TWA 800 footage was in poor taste, wouldn’t it have been easier to make them bound for Italy? Germany? Spain?
  • Who pays Clear’s rent?
  • The black shadow-blob thing was cool and creepy.
  • Alex says he didn’t switch seats etc. so the order is wrong, but he did. He did!
  • I hope Clear’s dog was adopted by a lovely family.

Tuesday: Final Destination 2 (2003)

This viewing’s rating 4 Stars


  • If the events of the first film occurred 5-6 weeks after the plane crash, and then Alex, Clear, and Carter went to Paris six months after the others died, Alex apparently didn’t leave his house for three months until he died, so Clear has only been in her padded cell for two months tops.
  • Regardless of how good the idea that this group are affected by the deaths from the first film scuppering their own, the dialogue in the scene where they realise it is beyond dire. But question yourself, how could it be anything but!?
  • Shouldn’t the ‘outward ripple’ have kept, uh, ‘rippling’?

Wednesday: Final Destination 3 (2006)

This viewing’s rating 3 Stars


  • Weird how Jesse Moss’ name appears on the credits but he’s in it for a matter of minutes, but Amanda Crew’s isn’t, despite having a much bigger role.
  • Fuck the danger, that rollercoaster looks amazing. And long. Very, very long. I’d ride it.
  • This one is badly scripted: Wendy and Kevin talk > Death > Wendy and Kevin talk > Death. Over and over…
  • Ian and Erin would’ve made much more interesting protagonists.
  • The sister’s friend Perry doesn’t utter a single word in the whole film. Not even a ‘fuck!’ when she gets speared.
  • The cops following Wendy and Kevin add nothing. Nothing. They’re 100% useless.
  • I don’t like the decision to ‘kill ‘em all’ was based on some lame feedback. It renders the series a bit void if there’s absolutely no hope for anybody.

Thursday: The Final Destination (2009)

This viewing’s rating 2 Stars


  • In true ‘this is the last one’ style, they lied.
  • Devour by Shinedown is the best thing in the entire film.
  • ‘Character’ names include: ‘Racist’ (and ‘Racist’s Wife’!), ‘Mechanic’, ‘Cowboy’, and ‘MILF’.
  • Who are these leads? What do they do? Where are their families?
  • Why are they hardly interested in the fact their friend had a premonition? They’re just like “on with life!”
  • The woman playing MILF/Samantha was Emmanuelle in the 90s porn series.
  • Nobody mentioned Hunt once after he bites it. Or seemed sad.
  • Death-by-carwash would’ve been awesome? It still happens in Thai FD rip-off 999-9999.
  • I’m still staggered this one is the most successful of the series.

Friday: Final Destination 5 (2011)

This viewing’s rating 3.5 Stars


  • The extra behind Sam and Molly climbs around or over the concrete divider thingy three times in different shots.
  • CGI water splashes still have a long way to go.
  • Yay! It’s Tony Todd.
  • The massage scene is actually really funny.
  • But I never want acupuncture.
  • There are no black women in any of these movies.
  • Flight 180 – still terrifying!
  • The ‘Greatest Hits’ megamix of grue at the end! Amazing.


  • Still nobody visits a spiritualist, medium, or shaman.
  • Still nobody questions where the premonitions came from.
  • But the series is still 80% awesome. Fuck The Final Destination. Even the title sucks.
  • Make another one please New Line! A proper dark, broody, eerie one.
  • I’m way suspicious that almost every item I own is capable of eviscerating me now.

Rankfest: Friday the 13th

You know when you go on IMDb or whatever and there’s always a thread titled “Rank the [insert series here] best to worst”, well let’s do summa that.

Of course the infamous Top 100 ranks my favourites across the board up to Spring of 2014 (Lost After Dark and The Final Girls might now force a few of the bottom dwellers out), but franchise-to-franchise, what is the most logical place to start?

Duh, Crystal Lake obvs.

12th Best: Jason X (2001)

jason2Bringing Jason back after eight years in limbo (nine, if we’re going to count the delayed release) is a bold step. On top of that, putting him in space proved just a step too far. This film is hokey and enjoyable at times, annoying and lazy at others.

Best Bit: Holodeck Crystal Lake, circa 1980.

11th: Jason Goes to Hell (1993)

jgth6I maintain that certain scenes in JGTH out-awesome the previous few films – the trio of campers at the lake, and the opening gag with the sexy chick alone in the creaky old house: Pure Friday. It’s just a shame the rest of it veers off course with all that Hidden crap.

Best Bit: Tentpole. Schwing.

10th: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

jtm3The late-80s-ness of Manhattan is undeniably bodacious, but it’s too long, too tame, and too timid to max out its potential: At the time this must’ve had the highest bodycount of the lot, and is there but a speck of blood?

Best Bit: JJ’s awesome-or-what axe.

9th: Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

fvj-cornfield-stonersLike Jason X, this one is worth a look every decade or so. The WWE-ness of it all is juvenile and irritating, but high-end production values, a love for the series, and a game cast almost make up for that.

Best Bit: Cornfield rave hi-jinks.

8th: The Final Chapter (1984)

fc5I’ll stand by for the townsfolk to come with their torches and pitchforks. The Final Chapter was the last of the Paramount films I saw and by that time the formula was so ingrained it just never resonated much with me. The plot is too derivative of Part III and the characters indistinguishably expendable. Yes, the grue is top of its game, but this alone does not a great film make.

Best Bit: The story so far… “you can’t be alive!”

7th: A New Beginning (1985)

fri6Tatty, sleazy, trashy Part V, a guilty pleasure if ever there was. The leap in production gloss from The Final Chapter was, at least on the old VHS’s I owned, significant, but maybe that’s just because 1985 was a year I actually remember, so the fashions and hair didn’t all look horrific. No Jason? Meh, who cares!? The appeal of this film is how fucking stupid it all is.

Best Bit: “There’s a man with no life in his eyezzzzz…”

6th: The New Blood (1988)

friday the 13th part vii the new blood jason voorheesDry and a ‘lil bit wintry in feel, The New Blood has grown on me over the years like a fungus that won’t quit. While many of the bloodthirsty demises were ultimately cut, leaving us a film drier than a shot of sand, the through-the-motions slashings are almost hypnotically entertaining and several of the background characters unpredictably likeable.

Best Bit: “There’s a legend ’round here…”

5th: Part III (1982)

f3-8A major step down from the dizzy heights of the first two, Part III nonetheless provides Jason with his mask and the audience with cheesy 3D FX. The production shift from the north east greenery to a sandy Californian mud-hole (removing all the Crystal from Crystal Lake) lets it down, but the amateur-night performances and Dana Kimmell’s gloriously rubbish final girl schtick atone.

Best Bit: Dana vs. Jason

4th: The Reboot (2009)

fri1aMost hated it, but it captured the spirit of Fridays past for me – especially those first 20 minutes – making enough changes to give a contemporary feel without entirely abandoning the unmovable elements that make Friday what it is. Of the glut of remakes, reboots, recalibrations, reimaginings etc, it was easily the best.

Best Bit: Campfire tales and nostalgia.

3rd: Jason Lives (1986)

friday the 13th part vi jason livesWho would ever have thought a fifth sequel could land a sucker punch of awesomeness? Tom McLaughlin, that’s who! Wisely taking a step into the humorous side of the genre, after the po-faced exploits of The Final Chapter and A New Beginning, Jason needed a shot of slapstick just to overcome the embarrassment of the previous film. It works perfectly as a pivot for the mayhem and contrived story, resulting in the best Friday outing since the early days.

Best Bit: Paula’s paranoia. Didn’t she leave the bloody machete right there on the floor?

2nd: The Original (1980)

f13-11aRough n’ ready, Friday the 13th has got to be the most copied slasher film ever; from genuine attempts to replicate the formula to sketch show parodies, this is the film they turn to. It’s perfection lies in its innate imperfection – clunky acting, ludicrous plot twists, semi-competent production, and yet it works far beyond the reach of many of its contemporaries and today’s low-end slasher pics.

Best Bit: Rinse n’ repeat stalk n’ slash during the storm.

THE BEST FRIDAY!: Part 2 (1981)

cut2_double-2Yeah, like, big shock, right? I just love this film to death. Taking all that was good about the first one, polishing the production assets, casting the perfect final girl, introducing Jason as an actually quite scary super villain prototype form: That burlap sack gives me the creeps far more than the hockey mask. Whether those infuriating cut scenes will ever see the light of day, who knows, but it detracts not from the slasherific perfection that is Friday the 13th Part 2.

Best Bit: Amy Steel on the run.

Next time: Halloweeeeeeen

The 100 Worst Slasher Films: #20-1

worst-stripMy belated Christmas-slash-New Year’s gift to you is the entire countdown of IMDb’s worst ranked slasher films from the 673 I’ve enjoyed/endured.

It saddens me to think of the days spent watching some of these dreadful, dreadful films. If nothing more, I hope this list provides you with a warning of what the avoid next time you’re in the mood for a stack of dead teenagers…


See full commentary for #100-81

100. Fatal Pulse (1988)
99. Blood Cult (1985)
98. Small Town Folk (2007)
97. Axe Giant (2012)
96. Study Hell (2004)
95. StagKnight (2007)
94. Slaughtered (2009)
93. Scar (2005)
92. The Prey (1980)
91. The Jackhammer Massacre (2003)

90. Heebie Jeebies (2004)
89. Hayride (2012)
88. Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2005)
87. Dark Walker (2003)
86. Cut (2010)
85. A Crack in the Floor (2000)
84. Cheerleader Massacre (2003)
83. Blood Reaper (2004)
82. Silent Bloodnight (2006)
81. Shadows Run Black (1981)

Commentary for #80-61

80. The Masque of the Red Death (1989)
79. BreadCrumbs (2011)
78. Adam & Evil (2004)
77. Kill Keith (2011)
76. The Choke (2005)
75. The Graveyard (2006)
74. The Pumpkin Karver (2006)
73. Knock Knock (2006)
72. Goodnight, God Bless (1987)
71. Camp Blood 2 (2000)

70. Drive In (2000)
69. Hatchetman (2003)
68. Switch Killer (2005)
67. A Night to Dismember (1983)
66. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
65. Horror 102: Endgame (2004)
64. Scared (2001)
63. Terror at Tenkiller (1987)
62. Motorhome Massacre (2006)
61. Deranged (2012)

Commentary for #60-41

60. Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)
59. Dead Above Ground (2002)
58. Camp Blood (1999)
57. The Catcher (1997)
56. The Curse of El Charro (2005)
55. Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)
54. Paranoid (2000)
53. The Watermen (2011)
52. Blood Sisters (1985)
51. Detention (2010)

50. Seed (2007)
49. Hollow Gate (1988)
48. Splatter University (1984)
47. Devon’s Ghost: Legend of the Bloody Boy (2005)
46. Do You Wanna Know a Secret? (2001)
45. Final Examination (2003)
44. Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove (2005)
43. Snapped (2005)
42. The Retreat (2005)
41. Memorial Day (1999)

Commentary for #40-21

40. Beyond Remedy (2009)
39. Bloody Murder (1999)
38. Dr Chopper (2005)
37. Bunnyman (2010)
36. Drive In Massacre (1976)
35. The Greenskeeper (2003)
34. Dark Harvest (2004)
33. The Last Slumber Party (1988)
32. Scream (1981)
31. Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

30. Jack-O (1995)
29. Mr Ice Cream Man (1991)
28. Hazard Jack (2013)
27. Stupid Teenagers Must Die! (2007)
26. Roadside Massacre (2012)
25. The Bagman (2002)
24. Carnage Road (2000)
23. Hollywood’s New Blood (1988)
22. The Fear: Resurrection (1999)
21. Night of the Dribbler (1990)

Leaving us with the twenty worst received slasher films I’ve seen according to public opinion.

Wait no longer, fresh in at #20…

20. Blood Lake (1987)

IMDb rating: 2.6
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Three teen couples (actually one couple are like 13) vacation at a shack by a lake, where a Dom DeLuise-a-like killer lays some of them to waste. Two of them to be exact. And maybe two or three other victims? I can’t remember, but this video-made film has poverty row stamped all over it.

19. Killjoy (2000)

IMDb rating: 2.5
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

killjoyUrban/ghetto slasher films feature heavily up this end of the worst list. An undercurrent of racism? Possibly, but none of the films are objectively any good. In this one, a sub-Beetlejuice vengeance demon is summoned by a dork who is repeatedly beaten up by the nasty local crew. At only 72 minutes, at least it’s over pretty quick.

18. Appointment with Fear (1986)

IMDb rating: 2.5
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

A man who has sold his soul to some Egyptian tree god kills his wife and goes after his infant son, who has been left in the care of the autistic neighbour, Heather, who has a band of purple make-up around her eyes and pretends she lives inside a jar. At a house in the desert, teens are dispatched until the evil-eyed final girl can rescue the bub and defeat the killer. Debisue Voorhees from Friday V pops in for her usual topless scene, and there’s decent use of one of those handheld satellite-hearing-from-afar thingies, but everything else blows.

17. Movie House Massacre (1984)

IMDb rating: 2.5
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

mhm1Teens working at a rundown old cinema where a fire killed loads of people years before are stalked and knifed by the ghost of a geriatric usher, who had murdered the ticket girl the night of the fire. Demented in every possible way, if it’s supposed to be a comedy it ain’t funny. Mary Woronov has a small role (despite top billing) as the bitchy manager’s assistant. Look out for a girl who dies from sliding down a wall!?

16. Spiker (2007)

IMDb rating: 2.4
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A mute, Albino serial killer who stabs his victims with railroad spikes escapes custody and returns to his old haunt where three teen couples are having themselves a party. All usual tropes are checked off the list.

15. Scarecrow Slayer (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.4
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

The second outing of the shoddy Scarecrow series sees Tony Todd as a paranoid farmer who accidentally shoots a teenager, whose soul is transferred into the scarecrow and goes on a killing spree. By far the worst of the ‘series’, topped off with WWE wrestling between two scarecrows. One good line: “You know, you have a real small penis for a guy who’s a real big dick!”

14. Nine Lives (2002)

IMDb rating: 2.3
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

ninelivesParis Hilton is the first to die in this rubbish flick set in a Scottish manor house where a English-hating ghost kills off nine ex-public school friends. But Paris is American. Uh? A final boy emerges as he’s Scottish and immune to it. Painful from start to finish.

13. Dark Fields (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Five teens on their way to a concert get car trouble and end up stuck in the house of a madman. Zero thrills in this cheap video project from the folks who later doubled the misery with Study Hell.

12. The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

IMDb rating: 2.3
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

Two annoying couples explore an old abattoir where a man blah blah killed blah was lynched blah… Of course the loon’s name is Marty Sickle. This is the very worst – outstaying its welcome by forever, pandering to girl-on-girl filler because it’s so fucking empty.

11. Zombie Nightmare (1987)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

zn5Adam West and Tia Carrere star in this demented voodoo revenge slasher, in which a be-mulleted jock is killed by a group of reckless teens in a hit and run, resurrected by the local Haitian priestess, and sets about evening the score. A bad movie dream, with totally different actors playing the zombie in various scenes, cringey acting, but a sense of inoffensive 80s stupidity.

10. Sweet Insanity (2006)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Girl’s parents go away for the weekend. Girl has friends over. Friends get stabbed. Cheapo Haute Tension-esque climax is confusing and the audio track is so bad it’s nearly impossible to comprehend what’s going on anyway. Retitled Stranger: A Soul Mate of Chucky for the UK, with a doll on the cover, even though there is no killer doll, no spooky doll, and no mention of dolls in the entire film.

9. Deadtime (2012)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

dt2Another rock band stalked by another killer whilst making a video for their big comeback. The only distinguishable thing about this one is that it’s British, but this helps none, as it traipses through a bog of bad production unities and a ridiculously annoying killer.

8. Grim Weekend (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

City folk go to a cabin in the woods, picking up a sexy hitchhiker on the way, where they are tormented by a clown with an axe. Horrible production values and obnoxious characters abound.

7. Cutthroat Alley (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.1
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

The ‘black guy dies first’ cliché is flipped in this urban LA slasher: Most of the cast are black but the white guy gets the blade first. Members of a street gang are being targeted by the masked psycho just as one ex-member is about to go to college after successfully turning his life around. Can he work out who it is before he’s next? A bit more surface polish than the other ‘ghetto’ slasher films make it more bearable and not so deserving of its place here.

6. Skeleton Man (2004)

IMDb rating: 2.0
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A bizarre fusion of 80s action tropes and supernatural slashings as a Delta force team are sent to South America to put a stop to the skeleton-faced figure who is killing everyone. The body count almost reaches 40, a helicopter is shot down with a bow and arrow, Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien are in it… An unbelievable film experience.

5. Alice in Murderland (2010)

IMDb rating: 2.0
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

alice1Sub-cheap rubbish with sorority girls throwing a birthday party in an old abandoned something or other… Alice is 21. Her mother died exactly twenty years ago that night, aged 21. They theme the party Alice in Wonderland. The killer dresses up as one of the characters from the book. An 86-minute endurance test.

4. Dead End Road (2004)

IMDb rating: 1.9
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

A killer who bases his murders on the works of Edgar Allan Poe does in various unfortunates in this cheap, but not awful film. There’s a good twist on The Tell-Tale Heart at the beginning, a pitchfork in the face, a decapitated head churned out of the bowling ball conveyer-return thingy. It’s low end for sure, but there’s worse.

3. (2000)

IMDb rating: 1.6
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

College girls are invited to live in a house and be filmed 24/7 by sleazy low-end producers. Their plans for fame are thwarted by a masked killer who does everyone in. All the usual sex, bi-curiousity, pot-smoking stuff occurs and the killer turns out to be the shy girl heroine.

2. Urban Massacre (2002)

IMDb rating: 1.6
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

The entourage of growing rap quintet The Supernatchrals are being offed by another clown masked killer. What it is with urban slasher movies and clowns I do not know… but this one isn’t so bad until the end where the group have the killer cornered, lean in to unmask him and then stop, look at the camera and tell us we have to wait for the sequel. What. The. Fuck.


Ax ‘Em (1992)

IMDb rating: 1.2
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

ax-emAn unsurprising victor, Ax ‘Em is quite deserving of its worst-of-the-worst title. Made by a talentless crew, what you can pick up about the story is a group of friends go to a house in the woods where a killer is at work, using strange metal spring things to kill folks with. Again, it tries to reverse the race suppositions by killing off the while characters and leaving about a dozen black people running around between the trees. Only a few of them die, others just vanish from the film altogether. This is less than camcorder made-a-film-on-vacation quality, it’s head-scratchingly strange, with absolutely no apparent knowledge of filmmaking on show. As someones own private film they made with friends, fine, it will give them a laugh at their ten year reunion, but to give it any kind of home video release…? Unfathomably awful, there are not enough sublatives in our language to justify how bad it is.


So there we have it… The 100 Worst. Of course, there are hordes of titles with mysteriously favourable rankings that didn’t make the list, and some that are frankly better than they may seem. Karma.

And the best, you caw, well they’re right here!


The 100 Worst Slasher Films: #40-21

IMDb’s 100 worst continues…

See #100-81 here
And #80-61 here
And #60-41 here

40. Beyond Remedy (2008)

IMDb rating: 2.9
VeVo rating: 2.5 Stars

Six young physicians agree to participate in an experiment supposed to help rid them of their fears and phobias, which cover the usual blades, claustrophobia, and vertigo. Too bad that a scrubs-and-chainmail clad killer has crashed the party. Not a bad little Euro-shocker, but dry and contrived, with characters making terrible decisions to drive the plot where it needs to go.

39. Bloody Murder (1999)

IMDb rating: 2.9
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

bm1Bizarre Friday the 13th homage, in which teen counsellors at Camp Placid Pines are targeted by a mystery loon who may or may not be hockey-masked local legend Trevor Moorhouse. The dull heroine has to find out who it really is! About as horror as a Glee Halloween Special, with little claret, a patronising mystery element, and annoying characters. The sequel, however, was way better.

38. Dr Chopper

IMDb rating: 2.9
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

College kids go to the middle of nowhere to check out the cabin one of them has inherited, only to become the prey for a deranged, grey-skinned surgeon, who – with the help of several nurses – likes to cut up youthful people to reverse the aging of cells blah, blah, blah. As soon as the requisite girl-on-girl make-out scene arrives, you know the rest of the film may as well be flushed down the can.

37. Bunnyman

IMDb rating: 2.9
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

The production company behind this endurance test is aptly named No One Cares. Roadtrippin’ teens are tormented by an old truck during the world’s slowest car chase (see that speedometer crank up to 53mph!!), and eventually get stranded in the woods. A guy in a giant rabbit costume turns up with a chainsaw and the stupid decisions continue for the excruciating remainder of the film.

36. Drive In Massacre (1976)

IMDb rating: 2.9
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

driveinThis would be Top 3 on my list. I haven’t yet experienced a more painful pre-millennial film than this. Detectives investigating murders at a drive-in fail to apprehend the killer. That’s about it. Random tangents into other plots take over and the film finally fizzles out with a title card informing us the murders stopped and nobody was ever caught. Repugnantly pathetic in every way.

35. The Greenskeeper (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.8
VeVo rating: 2.5 Stars

This fun little flick shouldn’t be here either: Patrons at a snotty golf club are permanently handicapped by a lunatic mystery killer, who prowls the greens with a pair of shears and a bad attitude. Some annoying toilet-humour gets in the way, but there’s still a good time to be had.

34. Dark Harvest

IMDb rating: 2.8
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Three couples vacationing at a rundown farm are attacked by possessed scarecrows. $0.99c store production values, girl-on-girl exploitation, and no sense of irony only make worse something that was already a pile of shit.

33. The Last Slumber Party (1987)

IMDb rating: 2.8
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

lsp1If you thought that the Slumber Party Massacre sequels were poor, give 71 minutes of your life away to this monstrosity, where three gal-pals find their gathering crashed by a psychotic mental patient armed with a scalpel. Bad acting notwithstanding, dead bodies magically appear in mid-air despite being killed several miles away, dreams occur within other dreams, and the main character is an obnoxious, nasty bitch, who would be first to go in any other slasher flick. Everything in this film is terrible and it should be a lot higher up this list than #34.

32. Scream (1981)

IMDb rating: 2.8
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

Not that Scream. This dire venture, also known as The Outing, strands a group of river rafters in a deserted town overnight, where the menfolk are slashed to ribbons by an invisible force, which is never attributed to anything or anyone. John Wayne’s son Ethan is one of a few semi-knowns probably hoping this is all but forgotten.

31. Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

zimDisappointed zombie film fans probably voted this Troma film down when they realised it’s a thinly disguised slasher film, in which tourists on a Caribbean island are done in by a leaf-clad killer. Not the worst thing ever, but hardly worth recommending either. Harry Manfredini provided a Friday-lite score.

30. Jack-O (1995)

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

A pumpkin-headed warlock thing is unearthed by beer-fueled teens and resumes the killing spree it began 81 years earlier. Linnea Quigley is the babysitter in charge of its prime kill. A frustratingly paced film, but some funny demises elevate it enough above bottom of the barrel scum level.

29. Mr Ice Cream Man (1991)

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Odd 66-minute Vegas cheapie, with a homicidal ice cream man disappearing naïve kiddies on the streets. Very low budget with questionable acting at best, but a couple of unsettling moments due to said cheapness. Writer/director/star Mack Hail directed Switch Killer and was in Carnage Road. Not the best resume.

28. Hazard Jack

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

hazardjack1From one Jack to another… Assorted college paintballers use an abandoned asylum for their latest game and upset the resident PTSD-suffering hulk who murders people there. In sub-Jason form, he stalks and eliminates them, ticking off just about every awful stereotype of victim available. A lazy production.

27. Stupid Teenagers Must Die!

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

The awesome title isn’t enough to save this cheap looking parody, which at least had the sense to mock itself in a preemptive fashion. Teens gather at the home of a murderer for a seance, become possessed, and start killing each other.

26. Roadside Massacre

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

The teen staff at a rib shack appear to be lobotomized. A patron thinks one of them is her missing sister. She and her friends are chased by a fat bloke with a cleaver and killed one by one. Titled The Texas Roadside Massacre for its UK DVD release, it isn’t set anywhere near Texas and there’s no chainsaw to be seen. Trash.

25. The Bagman (2002)

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

More video-made scum about ex-school friends chased by a sack-headed killer who was drowned by one of them years earlier. Much of the dialogue is inaudible due to the terrible sound quality, despite the amateurs shouting most of it at one another.

24. Carnage Road (2000)

IMDb rating: 2.7
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

Suffixed The Legend of Quiltface, this is around 25 places too low in this list. Photography students in need of extra credit and one crap camera between them are dropped off in the desert where they are chased around by a completely unscary psycho, often stood about five feet away from them in broad daylight but still goes unseen. One person dies from an inch deep cut to the hip, while another falls over and waits several seconds for the killer to catch up so they can struggle.

23. Hollywood’s New Blood (1988)

IMDb rating: 2.6
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

HNB1989Monumentally cheap LA slasher with ‘actors’ at an ‘acting workshop’ laid to waste by a trio of ghostly brothers who burnt to death there blah-years earlier. Shot in what appears to be twenty feet of woods (probably in Griffith Park), the film makes little sense, but has an endearingly crap appeal about it.

22. The Fear: Resurrection (1999)

IMDb rating: 2.6
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

The first Fear movie dealt – again – with some psych experiment in phobias, which all went wrong, but it wasn’t really a slasher affair. The 1999 sequel brought back the creepy wooden mannequin, Morty, from that film, had him possessed and killing a new group of college kids as they visit grandma (Betsy Palmer!!). All over the place, incoherent, and overflowing with annoying characters.

21. Night of the Dribbler (1990)

IMDb rating: 2.6
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

The director of Zombie Nightmare (coming soon!) churned out this misleading comedy, in which a basketball-masked fiend torments members of a highschool team. It sat largely unreleased for almost twenty years, garnering a small cult appeal… until people saw it. With a bodycount of two and hardly any time allocated to the stalk n’ slash opus, it couldn’t be more of a waste of time if it were a blank tape.

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