Category Archives: Reviews

Trade-a-Life IV

Thanks to those of you who made Trading suggestions; they’ve been added to the growing list of people we wish would die in place of someone we wish would live and will feature at some point… But for now, satisfy your fix with these…

As usual, spoilers abound!

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS

In a twisted way it makes sense that Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkampenschwartzenfusski) was killed off at the end of Elm Street 3 – it helped drive the series forward in the way it probably should’ve done. She couldn’t keep coming back over and over to help a new group of kids fight Freddy Krueger. Or could she?

She could’ve taken another film or so off and returned when the series started to flag again and been substituted in death for the horrible Dr Simms (Priscilla Pointer), who is almost as eeeevil in her ignorance of what her young patients are trying to tell her as Krueger is for killing them. Well, not really but she was a total bitch.

Apparently, she was scheduled to die in the original script, which would’ve been a cool scene to witness as all her core beliefs crumbled before her. Meh, I suppose it would go against the struggle the teens have convincing the adults and authority figures that they’re in danger and the actress played Maureen Prescott, cause of all the misery for her daughter in the Scream movies. Still, poor Nance.

CHRISTINA’S HOUSE

It’s rare for kids to die in films but Christina’s House begins with the murder of a girl scout selling cookies and so there’s absolutely no reason that Christina’s really annoying little brother Bobby – who’s about 13 anyway – not to have been killed with extreme prejudice.

It would be preferable to the death of Christina’s friend Karen, played by Michael Bublé’s sister Crystal, who’s all perky and free-spirited, just as every best-friend-of-final-girl is, which is usually a guarantee that she’ll die. But she’s about a gazillion times better than proto-Bieber-haired Bobby, who just hangs around playing video games, whining about things and hasn’t mastered the really quite simple method of sandwich making. He nearly dies but nearly isn’t solid enough, shoulda been more thorough, Mr Killer!

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

As if the “remake” of Black Christmas wasn’t deranged enough in its total annihilation of everything that made the original so fucking scary, by the time enough of the cast members have had their eyes forcibly removed from their ocular cavities, it becomes clear that textbook bland girl Kelli (Katie Cassidy) is going to be the heroine. Snore.

Considering the impressive cast roster in the flick, which included several final girls from other slasher flicks, it would’ve been better if they’d plumped for Michelle Trachtenberg’s dark-humoured Melissa as the go-to girl for kicking ass. She was Buffy’s kid sister after all.

As it turns out though, Kelli’s practical and flair-less approach to survival wins out and she does alright… But given the choice of potential replacements around her, it’s a bit of a cop out she was made the supposed lead. But I guess Cassidy was murdered in both Harper’s Island and the remakes of both When a Stranger Calls and A Nightmare on Elm Street so I’ll cut her some slack…

Sample thoughts of an unoccupied mind

So, if Stab is the film based on the events of Scream, in Stab 2 – assumedly based on Scream 2 – was a film made to represent the film that Jada Pinkett and Omar Epps were seeing and renamed as something else?

That’d give us a film-within-a-film-within-a-film.

Or maaaaybe, Scream is that film and Stab is the real thing!?

THEN… Assuming Stab 3 was resurrected and based on the events of Scream 3, what was the name of the film the murders on set took place on!?

Matrixey, huh?

Sub Prime Slash

DREAM HOME

 3.5 Stars  2010/18/93m

“She’d kill for a harbour view…”

Director: Pang Ho-cheung / Writers: Pang Ho-cheung, Derek Tsang & Jimmy Wan / Cast: Josie Ho, Eason Chan, Michelle Ye, Paw Hee Ching, Chui Siu Keung Norman, Lam Yiu Sing, Derek Tsang, Lawrence Chou, Song Xiao Cheng, Zhou Chu Chu, Phat Chan, Felix Lok, Juno Mak.

Body Count: 13


A weird and gruesome satirical slasher flick which begins with a jolt as a sleeping security guard has a cable tie fastened around his throat. He struggles and tries to cut it off with a Stanley knife, jabbing his own throat instead. Slowly and agonisingly, he dies. Almost everyone dies slowly and agonisingly in Dream Home. “Fun” ahoy.

A non-linnear narrative tells the story of Cheng Lai Sheung, a young Hong Kong professional who is so desperate to buy a penthouse with a view of the admittedly stunning HK harbour, which even I was transfixed by when I visited a few years ago, that she intends to force down prices by killing the neighbours.

In between the time-coded murders, we learn about Sheung’s life: her crummy job cold-calling bank customers, flashbacks to her childhood on a friendly but downtrodden development which has been on the brink of bulldozing for some time. Her growing obsession with providing a prestigious pad for her family is amplified by her inability to get a mortgage and then re-complicated by her father’s illness, which is not covered by his health plan.

The murders in Dream Home are seemingly random and all of them gruesome; eyes are poked out, guts tumble across the floor, dicks hacked off and most uncomfortably, a heavily pregnant woman is suffocated with a vacuum bag. I questioned whether or not I wanted to continue watching but what is horror if not horrific? Elsewhere though, Pang Ho-cheung strives to make things darkly funny: a couple in the throes of sex are attacked by Sheung, who knifes the guy before lopping off his cock, sending a spray of blood over the girls back, which she assumes to be his man-paste while another guy, hanging in there after the contents of his torso have largely been emptied out over the charming laminate floors, decides there’s no better time to light up a joint.

Most of the victims are nameless, unsympathons: a quintet of drugs and sex-partying kids see their gathering go to hell, the cops who come to check on the noise don’t fare any better and, although sometimes seemingly ashamed of her actions, Sheung carries on with her project, more fortuitous a killer than a talented or invincible one: people tend to slip over or fall on sharp things and Sheung succeeds almost by accident.

Explicit nudity, drug-use, a helluva lot of the red stuff, Dream Home is a memorable flick, very nicely made and strangely poetic in its tale of materialism and status, especially when Sheung finally gets what she wants and learns that old lesson that you should be careful what you wish for – you might just get it all.

No friend of Dorothy

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

0.5 Stars  2008/15/85m

Director/Writer: Steven James Creazzo / Cast: Vincent J. Mazella, Denise Filosa, Steven James Creazzo, Ronnie Petricevich, Jaimi Williams, Bob Fletcher.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “Just because he’s your husband doesn’t mean you know him.”


An experience akin to watching someone’s vacation footage where they got bored and decided to make a little film for laughs. If only I could’ve clicked my heels together to teleport out of this nightmare…

A man returns to his hometown several years after his parents were murdered. The killer was never found. Everyone thinks he did it. Some of the locals have knowledge of the facts and they find themselves eliminated by a loon in a rubber skull mask.

As if the camcorder footage isn’t painful enough, the acting, gore effects and even wardrobe all serve to magnify how horrible watching No Place Like Home is: one of the two cops in town wears a variety of sleeveless tops in pastel colours and with a huge pirate-style earring and Seagal-themed mini-ponytail.

There’s a great scene where one poor idiot gets his arm lopped off with your everyday saw (in one motion, no less) and just looks at it with absolutely no expression on his face. Later, once the true identity of the killer has been unveiled, he apologises for a previous crime like he’d reversed into the person’s car: “yeah sorry about that, killed your parents, didn’t mean to…”

And where the hell did the two children disappear to?

While credits outtakes show just how low budget this film was, it’s only worth watching if you like horrendously slow fist fights, girl fights, and the pinnacle of stunts is a guy jumping over the bonnet of a car.

“Hello Sidney, how’ve you been?”

SCREAM 4

4 Stars  2011/15/111m

“New decade. New rules.”

Director: Wes Craven / Writer: Kevin Williamson / Cast: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Roberts, Rory Culkin, Nico Tortorella, Eric Knudsen, Marley Shelton, Adam Brody, Anthony Anderson, Mary McDonnell, Alison Brie, Marielle Jaffe, Anna Paquin, Kristen Bell, Aimee Teegarden, Roger Jackson.

Body Count: 15

Dire-logue: “You forgot the first rule of a remake – don’t fuck with the original!”


Think of a band you loved when you were younger who since split. Imagine them reforming – you’d be stoked. You’d go and watch them perform and you’d enjoy but there’s something… something just isn’t working for you. The songs are the same, they can still play but they look older, less energetic now.

This is how I found watching Scream 4 earlier today.

Don’t misinterpret the fact that it’s a good film because it is. Very enjoyable for the most part in spite of a slack middle third but perhaps the memories of a time when Sid, Gale and Dewey and indeed I was younger and more fresh faced and sprightly jade the affair to some extent. Argh, screw this stroll down memory lane shit, let’s discuss the film.

Things begin as they always do in the Scream movies: the big pre-credits kill, only this time around Craven and Williamson slap the audience in face with a wet fish in an effectively amusing poke at the imitators who tried to fill the high-budget slasher void in the intervening decade. We’ve all seen those Paquin/Bell stills so without ruining the joke, let’s just say that the Stab movies didn’t end with the ill-fated Stab 3 – they’ve continued and they’ve gotten just a bit silly. Time travel is even brought into the equation.

Sidney Prescott is now a successful writer and is at the end of her tour promoting Out of the Darkness, a sort of self-help bio that brings her to the last stop of promo: Woodsboro. That little piece of suburban California where it all began a decade-and-a-half earlier. Gale and Dewey are married but suffering from the mental strain that small town life puts on their relationship. She’s trying to write fiction, his deputy (Shelton) has a crush on him.

As soon as Sid returns, Ghostface comes too, neatly coinciding with the anniversary of the massacre as he begins offing high school friends of Sid’s cousin, Jill (Roberts). Gale wants to investigate but finds herself marginalised by Dewey and so teams up with school film club geeks Charlie and Robbie, who step into Randy’s shoes for an explanation on how the horror genre has changed since Billy and Stu first used old school rules to their advantage. Add to this, they’re holding a Stab-a-thon party as the kids of Woodsboro modern hold the films in Rocky Horror-like esteem. Can only lead to trouble, methinks!

Scream 4‘s big mickey take targets remakes, reboots, rehashes, re-imaginings – whatever you want to call them. The rules have flipped, horror now looks to do the opposite of what came before so much is made out of the Saw movies (one girl quips that torture porn is shit and features no character development), and any number of remade films are name checked and the industry criticised for not being interested in anything that isn’t a remake or reboot of some kind.

So are we dealing with a reboot here? Well, yes and no. It’s still a slasher movie so certain rules can’t be bargained with and, despite them protesting otherwise, some of the “knowledgeable” teen characters still saunter off and investigate strange sounds, call out “who’s there?” and make all the standard body count pic mistakes.

The main bulk of Scream 4 plays out mechanically: spooky call >>> stupid behaviour >>> killer appears. Though it’s worth noting that all the characters toyed with in this vein are female. In fact, this is the first Scream film where girl victims outnumber the boys, who are killed almost apologetically without much of a build up.

However, mechanics of another kind aid the film’s step into the 21st Century: now the kids can talk about Twitter, information is spread via text, IM’s, there’s a Ghostface voice-app for the iPhones they all seem to possess, and according to the film nerds, the killer’s logical step towards innovation is to film the murders. Weird to think back to Gale’s breezeblock sized cell phone in the first one!

Thankfully, as I started to question what the fuck they were playing at with such a flat opus, a neat twist is pulled out of the bag concerning the killer’s identity and their always-exposited-at-length motive, which stacks up well with the film’s acerbic prod’s at celeb culture – I feel like Lily Allen’s “The Fear” should’ve been playing in the background. The film doesn’t so much offer up red herrings (apart from a really obvious push towards our suspecting a probable loon early on) as the cast is so dominated by women that it’s difficult to work out which one of them (if any) it could be. However, the climax seems to borrow back a big chunk of unbelievable camp from Scary Movie – but it was funny as hell and had the audience clapping.

Neve Campbell delivers here, thankfully looking more interested than she was in Scream 3 and Panettiere impresses as girl geek Kirby. Curiously, it’s Arquette and Cox who seem most out of place. Gale’s plotline of trying to get back to her old self (a metaphor for the whole production, perhaps?) doesn’t really go anywhere and Dewey hardly seems to be involved at all and looks only tired rather than his perky, parable-spouting self from the other films. But why a rather mannequin-styled Mary McDonnell was wasted in such a crappy role is a weird one.

I’m likely to make some amendments to this review when I take a second look at the film. The first go-round with a big deal of a film is always problematised by expectations, especially when dealing with Scream or a film I’ve been holding out for for some time but at present, I’m satisfied but at the same time I learned that, as the Carpenters once sang, trying to get that feeling again is a non-starter. We’re all older and so the teen culture we knew has shifted at some points beyond our comprehension. Take the bits you can and remain bewildered at the rest, y’know, like when you made your parents watch the first Scream.

Scream‘s 5 and 6? I dunno if the band could do another comeback tour…

Blurbs-of-interest: Emma Roberts was the lead in Scream Queens and American Horror Story: 1984; Anthony Anderson (another actor under-used) was in Urban Legends: Final Cut. Arquette directed and featured in The Tripper (with a cameo from Cox); Marley Shelton was in Valentine. All four survivors returned for Scream (2022).

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