Never have I ever…

evertoEVERTO

1 Stars  2016/115m

“It comes with no warning. It needs no reason.”

Director/Writer: Antione McKnight / Writer: Jackie Miller / Cast: Alessandra Spoletini, Allison Schuette, Jonathan Schneider, Dave Madden, Thomas Ouimette, Adam Yoder, Erica Matthews, Sean Demma, Michael Schneider.

Body Count: 6


What a lot of people would think is an upside to writing a blog like this – being asked to review upcoming slasher films and sent a screener – is often a poison chalice… As high-end, well made films don’t often require the assistance of down-and-out, end-of-the-earth horror geek sites, it usually ends up with me thinking how I can break it to the filmmakers that I really didn’t like their movie.

As was the case with Everto, a gruelling almost two-hour endurance test of a project, that features a teen girl tormented by a weird-faced guy with a blade, who can seemingly take on the form of other people and/or do pitch perfect voice imitations, beckoning poor fools into a room where they’ll most certainly be sliced up.

Girl finds her friend dead one night and ends up locked in the house with the body and the killer, who leaves her be. Cops interfere, she and her boyfriend investigate and there’s something about a 40-year-old murder and the fingerprints being the same, blah blah blah.

A film with a body count of six should run about 85 minutes, not 115. It also shouldn’t take 35 minutes for the first horror-related thing to happen. Do we need to listen to people talk about pancakes for seven minutes?

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While there’s an okay score and the remnants of decent cinematography, it’s drowned and stomped facedown into a puddle of crap by tinny sound and horrifically bad acting: One of the guys seems to be reading from off-screen prompts, talking about his murdered sister with all the emotional resonance of somebody pissed that they got a parking ticket.

It’s a shame, because I’d love to be able to tell someone they’re really onto something good. Everto, unless drastically re-cut, is just too dull and random to cut it.

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