1999/18/58m

“She’ll love you…to pieces.”

Director: Boris Pavlovsky / Writer: Sava Popovic, Boris Pavlovsky & TOMI / Cast: Katie Dugan, TOMI, Nathalie Ohona, Rebecca O’Marah, T.J. Bigbee, Annemieke Van Der Meer, John Stoops, David Coleman, Sava Popovic.

Body Count: Fuck knows

Dire-logue: (to a corpse) “Oh my God. Poor Monica, who did this to you?”

How long can an hour last? When you’re waiting to go home at the end of the day, tick…tock go the hands of the clock, mocking you with its ever-slowing crawl towards five o’clock. Or so it seems. And still, I’d rather clock-watch for a whole day than ‘kill’ an hour with the 58-minute long Granny. Actually, I’d rather experience my scrotum being crushed in a vice than watch Granny again.

In the minor horror flick Kolobos, wannabe actress Erica shows her friends a tacky slasher film called The Slaughterhouse Factor Part 3: Death Strikes Thrice. Watching Granny is like watching that film. Just how this film ever saw the light of day is as big a mystery as what the fuck happens at the end of it.

Eight Chicago students gather at a house and discuss paranoia and then start falling victim to the cross-dressing psycho, who sports a rubbish old-hag mask. Granny does away with them with axe, knife and needle until only whiney heroine Michelle remains. Or does she…? Well, sort of, then she has an asthma attack and dies. Or does she…? Oh, for fuck’s sake!!

Horrible effects and dreadful continuity abound as well as endless long takes of the house and the empty spaces therein to pad it out. One girl is stabbed repeatedly and stands there like she’s spilled ketchup on herself, plus Granny’s knife remains perfectly clean!

The sub-April Fool’s Day twist is crap; the acting is crap; everything is crap.