“It’s cheaper than a chainsaw!”
Directors: Bill Leslie & Terry Lofton / Writer: Terry Lofton / Cast: Rocky Patterson, Ron Queen, Beau Leland, Michele Meyer, Connie Speer, John Price, Charles Ladeate, Joann Hazelbarth.
Body Count: 16
Laughter Lines: “I’m as horny as a rooster in a Chinese henhouse.”
Small town girl in Texas gets raped by horny construction workers. Horny construction workers get nailed by helmet-wearing psycho in camo gear with a pimped-up nail gun, who drives around in a gold hearse.
That’s it, plotwise, for Nail Gun Massacre, contradicting it’s “very penetrating story” sub-tagline, though it is significantly cheaper than a chainsaw. The whole production might have set the crew back less than a chainsaw.
There’s really little more than nameless morons crossing paths with the killer, who adds sarcastic commentary to each of his or her slayings via a vocoder that produces strange Darth Vader-esque sounds. Most of the cast receive nails to superfluous body parts, but die anyway: One girl has her hand nailed to her mouth, while another guy gets it in the dick.
Between nailings, the local sheriff and some guy in tight jeans and denim jacket we’re supposed to believe is the local doctor turn up at previous crime scenes and say things like: “It was definitely a nail gun!” I had no clue why Dr Denim was part of it, but Nail Gun Massacre doesn’t care what I think. Nail Gun Massacre is a law unto itself.
The creators attempt to add some traditional slasher rudiments to their strange film: Murders are centered around ‘the old Bailey house’ and cock-driven men lead their girlfriends off for a quickie prior to their imminent demise. The opening rape scene is fittingly repulsive, but when it comes to suspects, said victim – understandably bitter and twisted – is written off by the rubbish authorities (still consisting only Rubbish Sheriff and Denim Doc) on the basis that she shows ‘no unstable behaviour’.
Despite being crap at everything, Nail Gun Massacre is good for laughs: check out the moment when our two witless community figureheads interview the traumatised daughter of a guy who got barbecued, they step aside for ‘a word’ and afterwards, without even looking back at her, let alone bidding farewell, they walk off and leave her there! Separately, a hitchhiker manages to flag down the gold hearse and freely chats to the driver (who is wearing the fucking bike helmet!!!) and has ample time to avoid being shot with the first nail, but instead chooses to flail his arms and shout “No! Please!”
Brainless, hollow drivel, but with that title, what did you expect? Anyway, Nail Gun Massacre doesn’t care about you and your opinions. Nail Gun Massacre says get fucked.