Dream scenario

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A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER

3.5 Stars  1988/18/90m

“Are you ready for Freddy?”

Director: Renny Harlin / Writers: Brian Helgeland, William Kotzwinkle & Scott Pierce / Cast: Robert Englund, Lisa Wilcox, Tuesday Knight, Danny Hassel, Andras Jones, Ken Sagoes, Rodney Eastman, Toy Newkirk, Brooke Theiss, Nicholas Mele, Brooke Bundy.

Body Count: 7

Dire-logue: “Hey, yo Needledick – I bet you’re the only guy in school suffering from penis envy!”

The last really decent hurrah for Mssr Krueger was also the most successful in the canon, almost doubling its $7m budget on the opening weekend alone and eventually grossing nearly $50m the US alone, leaving aged onlookers Jason and Michael trailing by some distance.

So what made it so successful? Dream Warriors was an amazing sequel, hoovering up more than ten times its own budget the previous year. Freddy had become the American mass murderer of choice, appearing on everything as the series grew more and more in popularity, reaching phenomenal levels of pop cultural significance by the time a third sequel was rolled out, directly by a then unknown Finnish filmmaker called Renny Harlin…

While The Dream Master is a fun outing, it’s noteworthy that it’s a lot less bloodthirsty than the films that preceded it. Effects work is on top form but if it’s blood you’re after, there’s not a lot on show, possibly drawing in the kind of audience who wouldn’t typically show up for a slasher movie and shooting it up with so much humour that you’d hardly believe it was a horror film at all at some points. Add to that the film is practically sponsored by MTV, this was going to be a hit regardless.

Picking up an unspecified amount of time after the events of Elm Street 3 (though the back of my old VHS said it was two years later), surviving dream warriors Kincaid, former mute Joey, and Kristen (now played by Tuesday Knight), are finally living as regular American teenagers, gladly free of the curse of their deadly night terrors. But how often does that kind of tranquility last in small towns with a mythical killer legend? Not very.

Resurrected by the magical fire-piss of Kincaid’s dog – ! – Freddy does away with the boys in quick succession and then goes after Kristen, who, in her last ditch attempt to stop the terror, transfers her ability to pull others into her dreams, to her goody-two-shoes friend Alice.

Seems that with all the Elm Street kids now dust, Freddy doesn’t feel like giving up and needs Alice to pull her friends into her dreams for his homicidal kicks. So the asthmatic girl is sucked to death during a chemistry test, Alice’s brother is taken on by an invisible sensei, and insect-a-phobic gym fiend Debbie is turned into a giant roach!

What prevents this slick entry from ticking all the boxes – besides the restrained grue and general non-threat of Freddy – is the nomination of Alice as the new final girl. Lisa Wilcox does fine in her homely shy girl routine but the character is scripted to type to the extent that she’s a virtually parody of the good and true final girl: all sensible, conservative clothes and chaste demeanour. With each death, Alice takes on an aspect of the personality of the deceased until she’s ready to take on Freddy as a hardass.

The title suffix refers to Alice’s concept that eventually bests Krueger; a little ditty that alters the words to As I Lay Me Down to Sleep… But who is the Dream Master? Is it Alice? Freddy? Some non-corporeal other designed as a device to angle the film on? Nobody really explains, but it works and Fred is done in about as icky-ly as it gets in 80s horror.

Consequently, the film is fairly even in its ratio of what works to what doesn’t. It’s not remotely scary but the popcorn appeal is maxed out and the cast are an extremely likeable ensemble: You could actually believe that they are friends.

The Dream Child, while continuing with the surviving characters, attempted to back-pedal to scarier times and subsequently tanked and, to date, the winning formula seemed lost with the 80s, which is no bad thing, merely a time-stamp of a time when all everybody wanted to see was a razor-fingered child molester eating a pizza made out of dead kids’ faces…

Blurbs-of-interest: Englund, Wilcox, Hassel and Mele all returned for the next movie. Aside from his other turns as Freddy, Robert Englund was also in The Phantom of the Opera (1989), Urban Legend, Heartstopper, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon and Hatchet. Ken Sagoes was later in The Back Lot Murders. Andras Jones was in Far From Home with Drew Barrymore the following year. Renny Harlin also directed Mindhunters.

Absurdsworth

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AbsurdVHS-2ABSURD

3 Stars  1981/X/90m

A.k.a. Anthropophagous II; The Grim Reaper 2; Horrible; Monster Hunter

Director: Joe D’Amato [as Peter Newton] / Writer: George Eastman [as John Cart] / Cast: George Eastman, Katya Berger, Annie Belle, Charles Borromel, Edmund Purdom, Hanja Kochansky, Ian Danby, Kasimir Berger.

Body Count: 7

Dire-logue: “I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t look good.”

An as-yet un-re-submitted (!) resident of the infamous Video Nasties List of the early 80s, this sort-of sequel to the crappy Grim Reaper takes a lot of cues from Halloween, stirs in lashings of gore, and is therefore about 642% better than its predecessor.

Eastman is the beardy-loon on the run from Purdom’s priest Pleasence-clone when he is injured atop a spiked gate at the home of the “all-American” Bennett family: mom, dad, aggressively punchable brat-of-a-son Willy, and paralysed teenage sister Katya, who is confined to a cot-contraption upstairs until she can summon the strength to walk again. You can guess what’s coming later.

Beardy-loon is rushed to hospital where the doctors working on him comment that it’s “absurd” how his body repairs itself against the laws of science. He later wakes up and thanks the staff by driving a drill through the temple of a nurse and then feeding some other poor idiot’s bald head into a saw.

Naturally, he gravitates back to the Bennett house and does away with the stand-in babysitter before going after poor Katya and the replacement babysitter. All the while, Willy stands around like a tool and whines about things as everybody watching hopes that the reason this film found its way on to the Video Nasties List is because it did away with the insufferable little prick with extreme prejudice.

Alas, it doesn’t come to be. But Absurd is full of gratuitous violence all the same: the first two kills are the most splatterific, and things DO get tense towards the end as Katya – as we suspected – finds that inner strength to hobble around and takes on the maniac with a compass of all things and a game of hide and seek ensues.

Of all the Halloween Xeroxes out there, it’s certainly one of the most obvious, full of “I’ll go look, you stay here” dialogue, but it does pack some interesting moments, including a funny final shot, rendering it a fair retread through familiar surroundings and a mini Holy Grail for gorehounds and masochists who like to endure the presence of bad child actors who won’t fucking die.

Look out for Stagefright director Michele Soavi as the young biker victim.

Blurbs-of-interest: Purdom was also in Pieces and Don’t Open Til Christmas (which he also directed some of); Soavi also acted in A Blade in the Dark.

Hop on by

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BUNNYMAN

1 Stars  2010/18/86m

A.k.a. The Bunnyman Massacre (UK DVD cover)

“Pretty girls die young.”

Director/Writer: Carl Lindbergh / Cast: Cheryl Texiera, Matthew Phillips, Matthew Stiller, Alaina Agianci, Veronica Wylie, Scott Kuza, Lucia Sullivan, David Scott.

Body Count: 10

I wonder if the producers of this movie had happened across a Chipmunk costume first, it might well be called Chipmunkman? That’s how relevant a guy hiding under a novelty rabbit getup actually is. The mascot-of-murder schtick may have been the best component in the otherwise dull Girls Nite Out but here it just fails miserably.

The production company for this flick is called No One Cares. It’s “a No One Cares Production”. And that’s pretty damn telling because nobody seemed to give a damn about writing a coherent script.

Bunnyman is an excruciating endurance test of the ridiculous that could’ve – neigh, SHOULD’VE – been titled Idiotic Decisions: The Movie.

Six ‘young people’ in a car are tormented by a big ol’ truck they pass. Just like in Duel. The truck tries to run them off the road at a whopping 53 miles-per-hour! And then slower. And slower. And slower until the “car chase” creeps… along… so… damn… slowly… it… would… put… a… can… of… RedBull… into… a… coma…

The fact that the occupants of a fairly modern looking car can’t outrun a massive truck is stupid. The fact that they think it’s BETTER to STOP and try to APOLOGISE to the driver is stupid. The fact that they can’t think up a better plan than WAITING OUT the truck is stupid.

This kinda crap continues until the car conks out from hitting a small piece of shrubbery and the truck returns, killing one of the group. The others are then on foot and have no luck raising help. None of them mention cellphones. They have no food or water. They argue lots, sleep out in the woods, wake up giggling and joking – hello? your friend is still dead… You’re still stuck out in the woods with a psycho…

Eventually, the killer, wearing a giant Bunny Rabbit costume, shows up and chainsaws a few of them. The first instance of this has a girl and a boy spying on the killer. When he spies them back, the guy runs off and she is buzzed to bits a minute later. Yet, when he catches up with the others, he confirms she’s dead, despite being long gone before the fact.

Earlier on, the characters moaned that if they left the car they’d dehydrate quickly as it’s so hot. And they can’t outrun a guy in a fucking fuzzy suit and lugging a heavy chainsaw.

Bunnyman is full of this kind of weird stupidity:

  • When one character attempts to apologise to the truck driver, a girl hiding in the open back of the truck (clearly needing help) just sits there and, soon after, allows herself to be dragged out and killed. And is even SURPRISED when it happens.
  • “If your friend is already dead, why do you need a phone?”
  • They’re supposed to be in the middle of nowhere with no help but you can see another car in the background.
  • They defend themselves against a chainsaw attack with a mattress.
  • “We’re safer outside of the car than we are inside the car.”

And the addition of classical music to a scene where a girl is tortured whilst tied to a bed only highlights the lack of class on show.

Despite director/writer/producer/actor Lindbergh’s impressive enough camera work and production polish, everything that happens in Bunnyman happens wrong. Like a bitter, out of date easter egg, it’s shiny and pretty on the outside and sickening under the foil.

Inexplicably followed by two sequels.

Mother loves you. A lot.

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This Sunday is Mother’s Day. In the UK anyway.

Mama gives you birth, feeds you, clothes you, wipes your eyes when you cry, cooks, cleans, drives you places, and loads more. Her love is endless. Sometimes TOO endless. How far will she go to prove her love for you?

In the realm of the slasher film, Mom isn’t always a safe haven, or someone who was murdered – which haunts the final girl, or a critical, bitchy victim of the knife…

Sometimes Mom is a little looney tunes.

Mrs Voorhees (well this was an obvious choice): Friday the 13th

Who does she love? Jason. Her only child (until Jason Goes to Hell at least).

Why is she so pissed off? Because the counsellors weren’t paying attention, they were making love when mongoloid Jason was drowning in Crystal Lake.

What does she do? Pamela first offs a horny couple of teenage counsellors the very next summer. For the next twenty years or so she prevents the re-opening of Camp Crystal Lake and, when it finally forges ahead in 1979, she murders seven staff members. All in the name of Jason.

How dangerous is she? Axes, knives, machetes: Mrs Voorhees is fond of the cutting-implement cache. She worked at the camp so knows her way around. Plus she’s fuck-ass crazy and thinks she IS Jason.

Mrs Bates: Psycho

Who does she love? Norman, we would think, but she scarcely shows it, ordering him around from beyond the grave.

Why is she so pissed off? This is something explored over the various sequels. Seems like the near-incestuous relationship with her own son, the departure of her husband, and being poisioned by her own kid and left in the fruit cellar when guests are over may have contributed… Death is a bummer.

What does she do? She makes Norman dress up as her, talk in her voice to hold conversations, and kill all the nasty females who arouse him.

How dangerous is she? Physically, not at all. She’s been dead for several years after all. But this hasn’t blunted her power to exist inside the head of her only son and he comes back to kill at the family motel season after season…

MrsLoo2Mrs Loomis: Scream 2

Who does she love? Her one and only son, psychotic murderer in his own right – Billy Loomis.

Why is she so pissed off? Because Sidney Prescott shot Billy in the head. Fair enough, he DID murder HER mom and kill loads of her friends. This interests Mrs L not: She wants Sid dead.

What does she do about it? She recruits “up-and-coming” serial killer Mickey to do most of her bidding: Killing various students at Windsor College and jockeying Sidney into position for her to turn up and finish her off.

How dangerous is she? Very. She considers herself sane, her motive being “good, old fashioned revenge”. Never mind the fact her son was a loon, Mrs Loomis blames Sidney’s mother for it all. And almost succeeds.

Eggar’s Mother: The Final Terror

Who does she love? Her son, Eggar. And the woods. But not shampoo.

Why is she so pissed off? Fuck knows. This is one weird movie when it comes to motivation. She just likes her privacy I guess.

What does she do about it? She sets traps made out of tin can lids that shred screaming bimbos, a spiked-log that is sure to skewer anybody it careers into. And she stabs a couple of people too.

How dangerous is she? Not very. She fails to slash Daryl Hannah’s throat efficiently, allowing Rachel Ward to frickin’ SEW IT UP, and there was me thinking a cut throat meant you were screwed. Of the large cast in this movie, she only does away with three (plus two other people at the start) and ends up impaled on her own swinging-log contraption. Duh.

See also: Crappy Killers

Aunt Cheryl: Night Warning

Who does she love? Her nephew, another Billy, whom she has looked after since his parents died in a mysterious ‘accident’. Hmm…

Why is she so pissed off? As Billy approaches 17, Aunt Cheryl begins to fear he might leave her. Plus she’s sexually frustrated after raising him alone all these years. So we can put this one down to “Woman Problems”.

What does she do about it? After unsuccessfully trying to flirt with a gay TV repairman, she stabs him to death and cries self-defence, but the local cops think Billy did it in some gay-rage homo-homicide thing. This screw up means he might get taken away from her in a different way, so she starts killing anybody who might aid that neigh-can-happen scenario.

How dangerous is she? Very. Nobody believes innocent Aunty C would hurt a fly, let alone stab a bunch of people to death. Having fooled everyone by killing Billy’s mom and dad years before, she could get away with almost anything. She only gets angrier with each kill, so look out!

* * *

Other worthy mentions include the psycho mom from Dead in 3 Days, so angry that her dead son’s friends didn’t save him when he fell through the ice that she kills them all years later… Back to the Bates Motel for more Psycho – Psycho II to be precise – and little old lady Emma Spool, who claims to be Norman’s REAL mother and offs all the interfering outsiders who threaten his subsistence. A vengeful ma beheads the materinity unit staff after they lose her son in Argento’s Trauma. A similarly insane denied-birth woman takes out her rage on a new mom in grisly French horror Inside…

There are also killer mama’s in Sweet Sixteen; Hack-O-Lantern; Have a Nice Weekend; Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!; Matinee and The Crying Tree.

Maternal dominance also prompts the killers of The House on Sorority Row, Unhinged, Humongous, and Midnight.

What have we learned from all this? The mother-son relationship is seemingly the only one that can lead to the deaths of lots and lots of teenagers.

Do mothers like their sons more than their daughters? Do fathers like their daughters more than their sons? Hmm, interesting dichotomy when you think of some of the killer daddy flicks around.

Conclusion: All families are therefore fucked up in some way. Best to get a dog.

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Scared of boredom?

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PHOBIA

2 Stars   1980/15/87m

“What happens when your psychiatrist goes out of his mind?”

Director: John Huston / Writers: Ronald Shusett, Gary Sherman, Lew Lehman, Jimmy Sangster & Peter Bellwood / Cast: Paul Michael Glaser, Susan Hogan, John Colicos, Patricia Collins, David Bolt, Robert O’Ree, Alexandra Stewart, David Eisner, Lisa Langlois, Marian Waldman, Kenneth Welsh.

Body Count: 6

Thaasophobia is the fear of boredom.

Atychiphobia is the fear of failure.

Thaasophobia + Atychiphobia = 1980 horror movie Phobia.

If you can buy the concept that John Huston – JOHN HUSTON!!! – directed this miserably disappointing Canadian flick that barely got released, then you can buy freakin’ Starsky as a shrink who experiments on a group of ex-cons with varying phobias – two of whom would make up members of the Crawford Top Ten in Happy Birthday to Me the following year.

When the agoraphobic member of the programme is blown up in the doc’s apartment, suspicion falls on her fellow patients that one of them was intending to kill him instead.

Predictably, the other members of the group start dying in increasingly suspect ways, of course relating to their respective fears: One is drowned, another squashed by an elevator, and a third bitten by a snake.

Solving the mystery isn’t hard (‘specially thanks to the tagline), with the most ‘likely’ perps out of the way, there aren’t many other avenues to explore and the climax fizzles out with a boring revelation and a motive, which will leave the audience needing more therapy than any of the patients ever did.

Attempts to make the characters slightly more dimensional than contemporary horror films of the time are never followed through, resulting in a bunch of people we don’t really understand, much less care about. Phobia is one of those above-its-station efforts that thinks its not a slasher film and so contains less blood than your average pebble.

Quite deservedly, it tanked at the movies – even in the big horror year of 1980 – teaching Huston to steer clear for a while.

For a better example of the hoards of “ironic” death-by-phobia films, try Boogeyman 2. That one, at least, knew what it was and had a bit of grue.

Blurbs-of-interest: Langlois and Eisner were two of the teens who DON’T die in Happy Birthday to Me; Marian Waldman was Mrs Mac in the original Black Christmas.

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