Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 4: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby – Part I

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There are so many conversations about sex in slasher films that feature perfect put-downs, epic vernacular failures and splendid stupidity that the fourth volume of Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits will have to be divided into THREE sub-volumes, kinda like if Madonna put out an entire singles collection… But no, she, Bon Jovi, Kylie, MJ et al all pike out on what their record label “believes” everyone wants to hear.

Anyway: Sex. Let’s see how funny it can be… Warning: post contains lots of naughty sex words.

AMSTERDAMNED (1988): “No more money means no more pussy… And I won’t go Dutch.”

CRY_WOLF (2005): “Tonight you could’ve gotten laid – but instead you got fucked.”

DESTROYER (1988): “Hey this is the 80’s, doll, nudity is required of everyone!”

THE GAY BED & BREAKFAST OF TERROR (2007): “You will no longer yearn for the engorged penis of a well-muscled man in uniform. From this point on you will embrace the light of God and dream of the sugar-sweet Holy vaginal walls of your soon-to-be wife…”

THE HOLLOW (2004): “Teach me the meaning of the word BONEyard…”

KILLER’S MOON (1978): “Look…you were only raped. As long as you don’t tell anyone about it you’ll be fine.”

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4 (1988): “Hey honey… You’re sucking on the wrong nozzle…” / “Hey-yo Needledick! I bet you’re the only guy in school suffering from penis envy.”

PIECES (1983): “The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed.”

RETURN OF THE FAMILY MAN (1989): “In England, shagging means fucking.”

SCARECROW SLAYER (2003): “You know, you have a real small penis for a guy who’s a real big dick!”

SNAPPED (2005): “So, your solution to my dilemma being ‘all men are dicks so stick yours in me?'”

TRAIN (2008): “Screw you, you un-circumsized little fuck!”

Watch a clown break down

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BLOOD HARVEST

1 Stars  1987/18/82m

A.k.a. The Marvellous Mervo

Director: Bill Rebane / Writers: Chris Vaalar, William Arthur, Ben Benson & Emil Joseph / Cast: Tiny Tim, Itonia Salchek, Dean West, Lori Minnetti, Peter Krause, Frank Benson.

Body Count: 6

“The body count alone puts it into Friday the 13th territory,” – what, six? The lowest body count in any Friday is ten. You’re having a laugh! …Well, there is a clown on the box.

In actuality, the entire central cast is made up of only six characters and about two suspects as we “try” to suss out who is hanging out the locals of a small farming town to dry. Hint: the surprise count is zero.

Without question, the mystery has something to do with final girl Jill’s missing parents, who were blamed for sending all the farmers in town bankrupt. Weirdo clown Mervo – played by late Top Toe Through the Tulips songster Tiny Tim, here looking like a fired member of Kiss – is naturally the prime suspect. He hangs around singing to himself after flipping out because of his folks’ suicide. Jill, on the other hand, spends virtually the entire movie in her low-cut, loose-fitting, mini-skirted nightdress or naked.

Blood Harvest was cut by well over four minutes before reaching our shores on video in 1989 but would anyone really care about seeing that lost footage? It can’t make this abortion of a project any more appealing. That said, there are only two on screen murders anyway although the potential eeriness of the small farm town is used effectively enough but this one should be left unfertilized.

As with all lost 80’s horror films, the resident future star here is Peter Krause, most notable for his leading role in Six Feet Under.

Pant-Soiling Scenes #16: 28 DAYS LATER…

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Is it a zombie film? Is it not a zombie film? I’d say it’s a zombie film but without zombies. Per se.

Regardless of how you look at it, it’s still shit scary. Well…was – it’s been duped to death now, the whole man-wakes-up-after-the-event thing. The Walking Dead just started practically the same.

Anyway, 28 Days Later‘s pant-soiling-scene comes when our recently-awoken hero Jim looks for help and hope at the nearest church but instead finds a pile of bodies and a couple of The Infected, who were peacefully dozing until he hollered, thus resulting in a super-eerie moment when what looks to Jim like other people is evidently anything but…

Although why Mr Infected has a sheet tucked into his collar like some massive napkin is a mystery… Dining in?

Jason takes the slow boat

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FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

3 Stars  1989/18/96m

“New York has a new problem.”

Director/Writer: Rob Hedden / Cast: Jensen Daggett, Scott Reeves, Barbara Bingham, Peter Mark Richman, Kane Hodder, V.C. Dupree, Martin Cummins, Sharlene Martin, Kelly Hu, Saffron Henderson, Warren Munson, Gordon Currie, Alex Diakun.

Body Count: circa 26

Dire-logue: “He’s come back…and you’re all gonna die!”

The first Friday the 13th film I ever saw was ironically – at the time – the last. BBC1 used to play Jason Takes Manhattan a fair bit way back when, due to its comparative lack of grue. Nevertheless, first time I saw it I still almost crapped myself.

This one and Part VII: The New Blood are well suited bedfellows. Both saw declining box office returns where the series’ main competitor, A Nightmare on Elm Street, soared to ever greater heights, leaving Camp Crystal Lake in the dust. By 1989, both franchises as well as Halloween were all spiralling towards failure and it’s interesting to note that all three pretty much gave up for a time, with Freddy returning for his Final Nightmare in 1991; New Line would soon snatch up the rights to Jason to put him to bed (for a while) in 1993 and Michael Myers addicts had to wait six years for the next Halloween instalment.

Jason Takes Manhattan was Paramount’s final word on their shameful cash cow, who’d harvested shitloads of profit but almost as much disdain from moral guardian critics and during production it was intended to be Jason’s final outing. Go out with a bang eh? Well, not quite. But let’s go about this in the same was as The New Blood and examine how things unfold before we pick it apart…

Credits: This was actually the first Friday not to have a pre-credits sequence and also not have block-white font on a black background.

05 min – “We’re right around that summer camp where all those murders took place…” I quite like this part, in place of the campfire tale, Jason has become a real urban legend.

07 min – “Stop screwing around!”

08 min – In Part VI, Jason went to the bottom of the lake with gloves, which he no longer had when Tina resurrected him in VII and now he has them again.

13 min – Peter Mark Richman (McCulloch) played Suzanne Somers’ dad in Three’s Company.

How does Crystal Lake connect to the Atlantic??

16 min – LOVE that dancing, especially the girl with the long dark hair in the white blouse and black skirt. She got it!

19 min – “Don’t be a dweeb, Wayne.”

21 min – This song is Broken Dream by Terry Crawford. Alas, what you hear is all there is. It was never a full track. Shame, because it rocks!

25 min – “He’s undefeated…” – you can tell where that’s going.

29 min – The boxer originally received darts in the eyes but the boring old MPAA kicked up one of their no-fun storms. The scene was finally included on the Deluxe Edition.

39 min – They kill Tamara off way too early. She had a lot more bitching to do.

41 min – Neither Sean nor Rennie got changed into dry clothes after falling overboard!

46 min – Eva’s criss-crossed suspenders are awesome.

49 min – Yet again, lose your specs in a slasher film and you’re blind as a bat!

53 min – Gordon Currie (Miles) is sixth billed and doesn’t have a single line of dialogue in the entire movie!

54 min – …Unless “Aaaarrggghh!” counts?

60 min – Toby the dog had run off last time we saw him, now he’s in the boat. How’d he get down the ladder?

66 min – “Let’s split up…” Ugh, do they never learn?

72 min – Why doesn’t Julius at least try to remove the mask rather than punch plastic?

76 min – That’s actually a pretty neat dissolve there!

82 min – Always time for kissing during times of carnage.

87 min – “There’s a maniac trying to kill us!” / “Welcome to New York.”

88 min – The greasy chef is Ken Kirzinger, who played Jason in Freddy vs. Jason.

The film is endlessly problematic. The most common complaint being the cheater title, Rob Hedden was restricted by the budget but had planned on scenes at the Empire State Building and the Brooklyn Bridge. But why are there only two teachers for about fifty kids? And only four crew members? Is there a chef? Bar staff? A DJ? And if Crystal Lake is in New Jersey, who long would it even take to cruise to the Big Apple? Banking on fans of the series having an IQ of about 23, Paramount obviously overlooked these gaping holes and just hoped for the best in this ill-thought out concept. But then it’s Part VIII – how many franchises get that far?

Jason’s apparent new found ability to teleport is grating. Consistency was never a strong point in Friday the 13th Part Anything but such giant changes this late in the game were bizarre, as were the supernatural connotations when Rennie encountered the sometimes-malformed, sometimes-not young Jason.

But for me, what required alot more work was the heroes themselves. Jensen Daggett has the look and the vulnerability but as a final girl she’s dull and pedestrian, standing out only by the amount of screentime she’s allocated and the shortcuts made by the script to establish her as worthy of survival rather than fighting for it. Equally uninteresting is Sean, who, like Rennie, is full of parental pressure broodiness and we learn nothing else about him.

The other characters are pale Xeroxes of those from The New Blood: Rennie’s uncle McCulloch fulfills the Terry Kiser role as nasty authoritarian while the nice female teacher is Tina’s mom; Tamara is a diluted Melissa and Wayne stands in for dorky Eddie but does okay out of his limited role as film geek. It’s almost as if the script from Part VII was handed to Hedden with a post-it stuck on the front that said: Do this again on a boat with the end bit in New York (which will be Vancouver, really).

Even though it’s likely one of the worst in the series (I think Jason X is a tad worse) and runs about ten minutes too long, I’m quite partial to watching this one every couple of years. The late 80’s charm has got it going on from JJ’s great hair and guitar to Wayne’s ma-hoosive camera and memories of the era itself: I can clearly remember the film ‘premiering’ on Cable TV with a shot of Jason in the boat-disco. Good nostalgia, disappointing reality – it’s rare I’d say a gimmicky film wasn’t gimmicky enough.

Blurbs-of-interest: Gordon Currie actually landed the lead – and spoke! – in The Fear: Resurrection. Sharlene Martin played the final girl (under the name Melissa Martin) in the dismal Possession: Until Death Do You Part. After Jason was recast, Hodder donned new makeup to play Victor Crowley in Hatchet and its sequel and can also be found in Behind the Mask, Hack! and Children of the Corn V; Todd Shaffer was in Mirage the following year under the name Todd Schaefer.

Dog Days Are Over

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A different take on Stock Background Characters 101 this month as VeVo appreciates the literal underdogs of slasher film – the faithful canine.

Dogs needn’t worry about going in or out of style, they retain their lovable auras regardless of big perms and mullets with nothing but a jangly collar and sometimes a neckerchief. Gotta love that.

There are many pets in slasher films, some fish, budgies, but mostly cats that leap out of wardrobes with perfect timing to scare the beejeezus out of the inquisitive final girl and dogs that sense trouble long before their masters. They try to warn them but, much like children, nobody really knows/cares what they’re on about. Regardé:

“Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof” Trans: “There’s someone outside. Look out. …I want some kibble.”

Let us celebrate the best dogs of the slasher realm…

LESTER from Halloween

Breed: German Shepherd

Owners: The family Wallace

Skillset: Senses danger early, loves Lindsay Wallace, hates Annie Brackett. Growls a lot.

Hug-a-bility: 42% – if you’re a Wallace.

Fate: Tragic early doggie victim of Michael Myers. Poor Lester. Sadface.

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MUFFIN from Friday the 13th Part 2

Breed: floppy, lapdog thing1?

Owner: Terry

Skillset: Wandering off to find backwoods-dwelling psychos, providing false sense of safety and does it all with a cute purple ribbon in her hair.

Hug-a-bility: 66%

Fate: Unknown, last seen alive (along with Paul), hope she canters off to safety.

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BEAST from The Hills Have Eyes Part II

Breed: German Shepherd

Owner: Ruby, I think

Skillset: Can save people from evil mutants not once, but twice! Capable of flashing back to experiences that occurred six years earlier. Has adorable Littlest Hobo-style neckerchief.

Hug-a-bility: 71% (if he likes you)

Fate: Saves the day again! Yay@Beast!

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JASON from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4

Breed: uhh…Collie-cross?

Owner: Kincaid

Skillset: Jason crosses into the dreamscape with Kincaid and is able to piss a fire that resurrects Freddy Krueger. In a dream.

Hug-a-bility: 88% (as long as you’re awake)

Fate: Survives! Comes-a-waggin’ when Kincaid gets de-gangstered by FK.

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SUNDAE from Halloween 4

Breed: Golden Retriever

Owners: The Carruthers

Skillset: Can make little orphaned Jamie Lloyd feel better when she has nightmares or nasty kids pick on her.

Hug-a-bility: 100%

Fate: Another of Myers’ poor innocent doggie victims. Sadface #2.

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TOBY from Friday the 13th Part VIII

Breed: Collie

Owner: Rennie

Skillset: This lucky puppy gets to cruise to New York City and demonstrates that dogs can climb up and down ladders to and from lifeboats. Barks at thugs and flees when told to do so.

Hug-a-bility: 97%

Fate: After scooting and thus missing having to trudge through sewers, alleys and diners, Toby pleases us all by appearing unscathed at the end, neckerchief n’ all!

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MAX from Halloween 5

Breed: Doberman

Owner: Rachel Carruthers

Skillset: Barky, scary doggie charged with protecting Rachel around October 31st. Fails to bite annoying friend Tina though.

Hug-a-bility: 11%

Fate: Max becomes yet another dead dawg to add to the pile on Michael Myers’ karmic epitaph. Although it’s clear that the dog pictured is a cuddly toy with some ketchup on it.

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HOOTIE from Urban Legend

Breed: Westie

Owner: Parker

Skillset: Hootie the fraternity dog drinks beer, has a pierced nose and scampers around the place bringing joy to all.

Hug-a-bility: 100%

Fate: Poor Hootie becomes the test subject in a recreation of the legend about the old lady who microwaves her wet dog. Ewwww.

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Unknown Dogs* from Flashback

*I couldn’t be bothered to decipher the abysmal dubbing to try and capture their names.

Breeds: I dunno, to be honest. There’s this dog on the left and another Westie-type pup later on.

Owners: Dog #1 – Janette’s family, Dog #2 – Ella

Skillsets: Dog #1 is nice to children and eats M&Ms; Dog #2 is a bit of a cute pest and interrupts sex.

Hug-a-bility: mean average of 76%

Fates: Pictured dog is sickled by the dress-wearing killer of the prologue and Westie-type dog is chopped in half by the dress-wearing killer of the rest of the film. A cat is shoved in a blender as well. This film was not a regular at PETA demos.

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CHEROKEE from Scream 3

Breed: Golden Retriever – but very red

Owner: Sidney Prescott

Skillset: He can make poor Sidney feel better about her frankly crap existence and all the people who keep trying to kill her for various contrived reasonage.

Hug-a-bility: 100%

Fate: Cherokee lives to see more country walks – yay!

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MAC from Jeepers Creepers II

Breed: Retriever cross

Owner: The Taggart family

Skillset: Mac is a lazy farmdog who loves the Taggart family and barks and howls when he senses that all ain’t right in yonder cornfield. Alas, this all comes too late and little Billy has already been snatched by the evil Creeper when those around him start to believe the dog.

Hug-a-bility: 83%

Fate: Yay! Survival against the odds. Guess he doesn’t have anything the Creepers needs.

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Feral dog clan from See No Evil

Breeds: Mixed

Owners: Nothin’ but the wind, baby

Skillset: Eating teenage animal rights protesters who happen to be suspended upside down – and bleeding.

Hug-a-bility: 29% (high chance of fleas)

Fates: They live paw-to-mouth. Hopefully Cesar Milan will come to their aid.

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REGGIE B from Simon Says

Breed: Is that a Poodle?

Owner: Blonde camper woman

Skillset: Little Reggie B is adept to finding and picking up severed hands as gifts for his owner.

Hug-a-bility: after doing that, 36%

Fate: stamped into oblivion by nasty Crispin Glover. Relaaax, it was clearly a toy dog. Owners then annihilated so probably for the best.

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Quartet of Killer Dogs from Wilderness

Breed: German Shepherds / Alsatians (aren’t these the same thing?)

Master: Psycho Killer Soldier Man

Skillset: Super-highly trained military dogs-of-destruction, these handsome creatures’ bites are far worse than their barks. Can eat Sean Pertwee in seconds.

Hug-a-bility: 3% unless you’ve got the whistle

Fates: one of them takes a fall over a cliff edge while another is decapitated. The surviving pair presumably find love on the island and start a family of happy little puppies in preparation for Wilderness 2: Return to Killer Dog Island of DEATH!!!

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Conclusions drawn: Some dogs live, some dogs die, some dogs eat people on command. Beast is clearly the best dog to have around when psychopaths are after you. Listen to your dog when he begins growling and barking for no apparent/visible reason – something bad’s about to go down!

Other worthy mentions: Gordon, the dog who leapt out of a window to get the fuck outta there when Jason was on the prowl in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (did he jump or was he pushed? Well, the J-Man was in the basement 5 seconds later so I’m going for jump). Ebus, the dog from Poltergeist who pawed at thin air and ate unwanted waffles.

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