What the Dickens!?

olivertwistedOLIVER TWISTED

3 Stars 1997/15/104m

“The family secret is out…”

Director: Dean Gates / Writer: G. Patrick Charuhas / Cast: Signe Kiesel, Jason McMahan, Brian Agmes, Karen Black, Erik Estrada, Dave Kramer, Dianne M. Grant, Heather Hageman, Manuel Guevara Jr.

Body Count: 9


With a title like that, I was expecting some psychotronic re-telling of the Dickens classic. Unfortunately though, we’re not treated to the gory demises of Fagan, the Artful Dodger or Oliver Twist (how annoying was that kid?) and instead it’s a modest Halloween copy from Florida.

Institutionalised plate-headed Oliver goes into a coma after being sunk by two anaesthetic darts after he murders two of the hospital staff. Refusing to take him back, he is instead sent to reside with his aunt and her two kids – one of whom is called Olivia. I think we all know where this is going…

“Livvy’s” bratty brother Jeff becomes obsessed with Oliver, who remains zonked out in the spare room while Livvy herself starts having odd premonitions of murders which, she believes, aren’t real. The mailman gets his hand chopped off with a machete when Oliver wakes up and goes walkabout and then two teen couples are invited over the celebrate Livvy’s birthday for no other purpose than to serve as thwacking material for Oliver.

Bargain basement productions values notwithstanding, there’s a good score and one neat scene that, albeit ripped off from Dressed to Kill, cranks the tension towards the finale. From the look of it though, this could well have been shot in the mid-80s with its drained colour and naive teenager-cum-blade-targets, Karen Black and freakin’ Erik Estrada (as mom and meddling doctor respectively). Neither of them have much to do and probably wish they were back on the set of Airport ’75

The blindingly obvious twist is nicely played out, although we’re never informed of the source of Livvy’s flashbacks to the baby in the tub, nor what happened to Oliver in the first place that landed him residence in the asylum… Even with these unexplained oddities, overlong running time and some dreadful hairstyles, it’s still more fun than sitting through the musical Oliver! any day…

Blurbs-of-interest: Karen Black can also be found in Some Guy Who Kills People, Children of the Corn IV, Out of the Dark, and Curse of the Forty-Niner.

Ranty Monday: I watched TWILIGHT

Maybe this should be under ‘Today I HATE…’

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Rarely, will you find me taking such a vitriolic stand about a bad film – hey, I liked Jason X – but this… Jesus wept, why has this franchise become so inexplicably popular!? I wouldn’t normally waste precious bandwidth on a non-slasher film but I was kinda angry!

The “story” concerns a girl called Bella, who moves to a new town. Bella is moodiness personified: sullen, glum, dull as the weather in her new town and yet a vegetarian vampire falls in love with her…because he cannot eat her. Other vampires want to eat her, so her love-vamp, Edward, hides her to protect her (God knows why, she’s so damn boring), kills bad vampire. The end.

Vegetarian Vampires? Someone call Buffy… NOW!

So, not only does the “story” in fact feature no story, indeed in a two hour film rarely has so little actually happened, but it’s just so insultingly inoffensive, tip-toeing around issues of sex and violence, raping vampire lore by having them freely wander around in the daylight and observe their own reflections – it’s an absolute affront to be included in the horror genre at all.

A bland, banal, upsettingly sub-mediocre story that has somehow struck gold on the book front, now it’s set to poison the box office too… Pass me a razor, I’m going to need to self-harm if I want to see any excitement.

Here, there and everywhere

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FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER

3 Stars  1984/18/88m

“This is the one you’ve been screaming for.”

Director: Joseph Zito / Writers: Barney Cohen & Bruce Hidemi Sakow / Cast: Kimberly Beck, E. Erich Anderson, Corey Feldman, Joan Freeman, Peter Barton, Crispin Glover, Barbara Howard, Alan Hayes, Judie Aronson, Lawrence Monoson, Camilla More, Carey More, Ted White.

Body Count: 14

Dire-logue: “What happens if a psycho wanders in?”


Beginning with an awesome “Jason’s Greatest Hits” quick overview of the events from parts 1 to 3, The Final Chapter takes a rare turn for this series and picks up where the last film left off, with police and meat wagons clearing up the bodies from the ranch and taking them to the morgue – including Jason’s. Of course, it transpires that Mr V. isn’t so dead after all and he quickly does away with a couple of hospital employees before making the long walk back to Crystal Lake… A superb opening section.

At this point, rather than continuing the story in any way, it opts to repeat the events of the former by having a van full of kids – wait, it’s a car, they changed that! – vacationing at a house at Crystal Lake for the J-man to slaughter anew. As before, amongst the naive youth there is next to no mention of Jason, the recent murders, local paranoia, fear – just girly chats for the lovely females and sex for the horny guys, who include a pre-George McFly Crispin Glover and post-Hell Night Peter Barton.

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Next door to the vacation house is a cabin inhabited by the Jarvis family: Mom, teen daughter Trish and 12-year-old Tommy (a pre-everything Corey Feldman), who has a thing for making scary monster masks. Also new to the area is Rob, who tells Trish he’s bear hunting in the locale. The other teens meet a couple of sexy twin sisters and invite them and Trish over for a party, which is interrupted when Jason comes a-callin’, quite possibly bummed out that they didn’t invite him too.

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Teens start dropping all over the show: knife through the neck, cleaver in the face, axe in the chest and, most painfully, speargun in the balls! Meanwhile, Rob confides in Trish that his sister was one of the victims from Part 2 (although he doesn’t refer to it as that, which would’ve been cool) and he’s trying to find Jason for some good old fashioned revenge.

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fc7Rob’s efforts prove futile when Jason swats him into the next realm like a fly and it’s down to Trish and Tommy to save themselves, which is doubtlessly aided by Tommy’s knowledge of all things scary and some handy newspaper clippings about Jason, again, posing the question why nobody local seems to be aware of what’s been happening on the very same lake!

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The Final Chapter was the last Friday I saw out of the first nine films when I was first introduced to them in the mid-90s. Having crammed all of them in in less than a month, the form was a bit predictable and stale by the time I watched it and so it’s never ranked highly for me in the series. Zito’s technical direction is good but the film can only pale next to Parts 1 and 2 and, as in his earlier slasher film, The Prowler, there’s a streak of misogyny evident in the treatment and violent murders allotted to the girls in the film, notably only one of the two Fridays where female victims outnumber males. Bizarrely, according to Crystal Lake Memories, the casting process called for more ‘likeable’ victims in this outing, something that almost seemed to have achieved the exact opposite effect – I wasn’t fussed about any of them much.

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Feldman’s presence is welcome as the first involved pre-teen in the series but in being so, Kimberly Beck’s turn as the heroine is made kind of redundant. In spite of throwing herself through second-floor windows, finding body after body and taking on Jason singlehandedly with a machete, she plays second fiddle to Tommy’s eventual ruse that distracts Jason for long enough for them to kill him. And kill him they do, in sensational style where Tom Savini’s excellent effects work is flaunted to maximum force, a highlight of this entry in a scene that was heavily cut in the UK until its 2001 DVD release.

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Ultimately a bit of a non-event as far as I was concerned; the film holds up better than most slasher films from the same period but the summer camp setting of the first two films is missed, as are the goofy disco-antics of Part 3, the lighting in the final twenty or so minutes is abyssmally dark and the scenes jumble as Trish goes next door, comes back, goes next door, comes back… Jason does the same – kills someone inside, then seemingly goes outside, scales the side of the house to do the next one, and back to the scene of the previous murder to get a knife. And Gordon the dog? What the hell was going on there? Though I wonder if the rumour that one die-hard fan committed suicide (“If Jason dies…I die!”) is true…

Blurbs-of-interest: other than those mentioned, Crispin Glover played a set of twins in Simon Says.

MIDNIGHT MOVIE

midnightmovieMIDNIGHT MOVIE

3 Stars  2008/76m

“The new face of horror.”

Director: Jack Messitt / Writers: Sean Hood, Mark Garbett & Jack Messitt / Cast: Rebekah Brandes, Daniel Bonjour, Greg Cirulnick, Stan Ellsworth, Mandell Maughan, Melissa Steach, Justin Baric, Jon Briddell, Michael Swan, Michael Schwartz, Brea Grant, Shaun Ausmus, Carol Stanzione, Arthur Roberts.

Body Count: 15

Dire-logue: “They say scary movies are an aphrodisiac…” / “If you get turned on by this, we’re breaking up!”


A patient in a psyche ward is sat in a room and permitted to watch the movie he is obsessed with. Some scary shit happens and later a doctor returns to find the entire place empty, blood everywhere but not a sign of anyone – alive or otherwise.

Five years later, the same movie, an old black and white Texas Chainsaw type called The Dark Beneath, is being shown at a dumpy small town cinema, attracting a handful of teens, a biker couple and the detective who was baffled by the hospital case and thinks the movie, which was directed by and starred the mental patient, “holds the key…”

In a similar play to Cut, once the reels are played, the killer in the film has the power to jump into the real world, kill a victim (which is shown on the screen as part of the film to the naive audience) with his sharpened coil-cone thingy, and drag them back into his celluloid realm.

The audience soon become wise to something weird and find themselves trapped in the cinema, they assume as part of the film, and try to avoid the teleporting killer, who looks a bit like Leslie Vernon crossed with Babyface from The Hills Run Red, with which it also shares a few story elements.

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As low budget as it is, Midnight Movie is quite a fun hour and sixteen minutes, thus never outstaying its welcome, it reminded me of the early 90s late-bloomers Dr Giggles and, naturally, Popcorn, where they attempted to make light of the circumstances to some degree. There’s more seriousness on display here, though it feels out of place and the final girl (Brandes) seems to be in a different league to her doomed pals.

Bloodletting is secondary although when one person states that “you’ll have to go through me first!” – the killer takes it literally and duly does so. The outcome is that it’s a watchable one-off you’ll most likely forget about after a couple of days and the sequel-hungry ending probably won’t give birth to a new horror icon anytime soon.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jon Briddell was in stripper-slasher flick Hatchetman; the concessions-stand girl was Brea Grant, who was in Halloween II (2009) and TV’s Heroes.

EVIL LAUGH

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2 Stars  1986/88m

“Ten years ago something terrible happened in this house… This weekend it’s about to happen again!”

Director: Dominick Brascia / Writers: Dominick Brascia & Steven Baio / Cast: Kim McKamy, Steven Baio, Jerold Pearson, Jody Gibson, Myles O’Brien, Tony Griffin, Karen O’Bryan, Howard Weiss, Susan Grant, Gary Hays.

Body Count: 12

Dire-logue: “Don’t kill me! Kill Connie – she’s upstairs!”


Aside from having one of the best covers going, Evil Laugh also has a great backstory: the ‘present day’ teens, led by Scott Baio’s bro Steven, are staying in a condo that was converted from a foster home. A decade earlier, the children in the home falsely accused one of the carers of molesting them. Understandably peeved, he returned once in the clear and cut the throats of the children and set the place on fire. Cooooool.

I used to know Howie Weiss, who played Mr Burns, who didn’t exactly have the fondest of memories making the film. Possibly because he got a machete in the balls! He’s a celeb columnist now. In some ways, the film plays like the proto-Scream, with one dorky film character spouting slasher movie clauses once the killin’ begins.

Med students go to ye olde foster home OF DEATH for a weekend to scope it out as one of them is thinking of buying and restoring it. But they’re stalked n’ slain by the creepy killer, who even manages to do away with one poor fella by microwaving his head – despite the door remaining open! Once revealed, the fiend’s motive pays homage to the film Evil Laugh so clearly wants to be. Unfortunately, its endearingly naff qualities of lame set-ups and sloppy gore effects ensured that never came to be.

At least there’s the sometimes clever one-liners, the VIDEO MONTAGE of the thirties-pretending-to-be-teens group cleaning their house in their super-80s tight shorts, tucked in vests and big, big hair. Despite managing to both suck and blow, this is one any genre fan should try to see.

Blurbs-of-interest: Kim McKamy was also in Dreamaniac; director Brascia played Joey, the kid who got axed up by his ‘friend’, in Friday the 13th Part V and was also in Rush Week.

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