SPRING BREAK MASSACRE

 2008/77m

“Party till you drop DEAD.”

Director: Rex Kramer [Michael A. Hoffman] / Writers: Meghan Jones & Michael A. Hoffman / Cast: Reggie Bannister, Sarah Minnich, Joh Shumski, Leanne Vanmaulle, Erin Meyers, Ally Hartman, Renee Darmiento, Toni Buena, Rick Federman, Jeff Pride, Jeff Hayden, Christian Anderson, Linnea Quigley, Bob Farster, Curtis Taylor.

Body Count: 16

Laughter Lines: “I’ve seen enough of these slumber party slasher flicks to know what’s going on.”

Three teens at the world’s most boring party decide to play with a Ouija board while they do shots. When the girl demands the two chaps leave, she gets her throat slashed and the murder is blamed on the pizza delivery guy who stumbles in and finds the body.

Ten years later (not nine, not eleven) the usual denomination of mid-western college kids throw a slumber party. Boyfriends attempt to crash. Tits. Girl-on-girl rubbish. Horny neighbour who keeps turning up at the door. Eventually, death for the majority of them. Who is it? Who cares? Certainly not the writers.

Pitched as an homage to the Slumber Party & Sorority House Massacre franchises, the DVD cover is about as close as it gets. The rest is a no-budget dullard of a product, with characters so stupid and vacuous there’s zero sympathy for their plight, something at least most of those older films could lay claim to.

Yeah OK, it was shot with one camera over about a week, but c’mon, it’s time that girls in slasher flicks were at least as capable as their real life counterparts. Has Scream been entirely forgotten? These ARE the stupid girls Sidney Prescott refers to in her anti-slasher film rant. Boys, of course, remain clothed where it counts and are afforded largely off-camera demises.

Bannister and Quigley muddle through largely unscathed and the final girl acts quite well, but everybody else blurs into a mass of amateur-night forgettableness. A kind-of sequel, Girls Gone Dead, followed in 2012. I won’t be bothering.

Blurbs-of-interest: Bannister was also in Bloody Bloody Bible Camp; low-end horror icon Linnea Quigley can be found in Graduation Day, Silent Night Deadly Night, Fatal Games, Kolobos, and Jack-O.