Tag Archives: before they were famous

Ree! Ree! Ree!

PSYCHO

 5 Stars  1960/15/104m

“A new and altogether different screen excitement!!!”

Director: Alfred Hitchcock / Writers: Robert Bloch & Joseph Stefano / Cast: Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, Vera Miles, John Gavin, Martin Balsam, John McIntire, Simon Oakland.

Body Count: 3


How do you even review Psycho? What can possibly be said or theorised about the film now that hasn’t been said or theorised a million times before by better, more academically-sounding bods? Nothin’, that’s what, nothin’!

To kill some time while I think about what I might say, here’s the plot-o-matic lowdown: Janet Leigh is Marion Crane, a sexy secretary who, when faced with the option of depositing $40,000 for a client or running off with it to start a new life with her mantoy takes the low road and scarpers, buys a new car and checks into the weatherbeaten Bates Motel late one night.

There, she meets the young owner, Norman, who resides in the big old house that overlooks the estate with ‘Mother’, who shouts and screams at the boy. He confides in Marion that he wishes he could escape but is duty bound to stay and run the motel. But there’s something a bit creepy about Norm, with his spyholes and twitchy behaviour…

Said creepiness manifests itself when Marion, having decided to abort her wayward fantasy and return the cash, steps into the shower and finds herself in an up close and personal encounter with Mother, who slices with mean precision. Norman covers up for her, sending the body and Marion’s car to the bottom of the local swamp. Done and dusted.

…Until Marion’s sister Lila comes looking for her at the same time as a private detective hired by the victim of the theft, which leads him to the Bates Motel and, ultimately, a similar fate to his quarry.

Lila and Marion’s boyfriend, Sam Loomis, then decide to go looking for the missing detective, Arbogast, at the motel, posing as newlyweds and, while Loomis distracts Norman with chit-chat, Lila sneaks up to the house to interview Mother about what might have become of her sister.

Psycho ends in true slasher movie style, with a big reveal – doubtlessly shocking at the time – and an epilogue to explain the whats and hows for the audience. Needless to say, ‘Mother’ wasn’t all she was talked up to be.

Psycho is a film I don’t watch much, I always think it’ll be boring and slow because of its age but then am always surprised by how fluid and engaging it is, thanks in large part to Hitch’s celebrated auteuristic direction and the performances from the perfect cast. And those strings! Those shrieking strings!

It’s worth remembering – ‘specially for the nippers of the Saw and remake generation – that without Psycho these films wouldn’t exist at all. It was the trailblazer for all manner of loon versus helpless victim films. The shower scene has been replicated hundreds, if not thousands of times and the plot, albeit often compacted into lesser vehicles, is now the accepted standard of the genre:

Victims in peril; unfamiliar surroundings; creepy old house; stalking; slashing; plucky female investigation into underlying secrets with ghastly consequence… Psycho did it all and did it first.

In some ways, it’s strange that it wasn’t really until Halloween that the prototype morphed into the staple sub-genre of the slasher film. Even Black Christmas and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre were made well over a decade afterwards, which raises odd questions about the rest of the 60s, largely filled in by the giallo exports from Europe – why did America take its sweet time fixing the conventions together for Michael and Mrs Voorhees to become the glue that became the superstructure of the slasher flick?

Who knows? Well, some books probably do. As I’m not really ‘into’ giallo and most the pre-Halloween US body count flicks suck harder than a Dyson, I’ve frankly not hiked into this territory out of laziness or, as I prefer to think of it, a brazen preference for the 80s output.

Psycho is not my favourite Hitch movie, that honour belongs to Strangers on a Train and then, possibly, The Birds, but any which way you cut it, it was probably his most important movie when it came to its influence over the future of horror.

Blurbs-of-interest: Perkins reprised his role in all three sequels and was in Destroyer; Vera Miles also returned for 1983’s Psycho II and made The Initiation that same year; Janet Leigh made a cameo in Halloween H20. Martin Balsam played a stock local sheriff in Innocent Prey. Screenwriter Joseph Stefano scribed TV proto-slasher Home for the Holidays in 1972. Gus Van Sant made a strange shot-for-shot colour remake in 1998.

Don’t not do what they said don’t to, do what you don’t not feel like not doing

DON’T GO IN THE WOODS

1.5 Stars  1981/18/82m

“Everyone has nightmares about the ugliest way to die.”

A.k.a. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone!

Director: James Bryan / Writer: Garth Eliassen / Cast: Jack McClelland, Mary Gail Artz, James P. Hayden, Angie Brown, Ken Carter, Tom Drury.

Body Count: 16

Dire-logue: “Peter! That could’ve been a fatal mistake, jumping off a log!”


One of the many horror movies of the “Don’t…” oeuvre of the early 80s, Don’t Go in the Woods may have the achieved the notoreity of finding its way on to the Video Nasties List but it’s possibly even more well known for being a hysterically inept exercise in how not to go about making a slasher film. It’s that film you saw when you were 12 and thought you were so tough for sitting through. At 25 you realise it was just crap.

Starting with silent credits and then aerial footage of some mountains that looks as if the camera was mounted on a vibrator, atop a washing machine in an out of control prototype helicopter, DGITW quickly piles up a worthy body count as a girl running along a stream dies, then a birdwatcher gets his arm lopped off and a couple of oddly dressed day walkers die. We don’t get to see the killer or even really how any of these people die but it’s fairly comical, given that all the audio was dubbed on afterwards to ‘improve’ the sound, rendering any dramatic nuance lost in horrible sounding dialogue that’s either shouted or whispered.

Don’t wear an oversized bowtie in the woods

We meet our quartet of dreary central characters, pink-shirted Peter, know-all man o’ the wild Craig, and two women who are virtually identical save for hair colour, Ingrid and Joanie. Between random murders, we return to the group to listen to Craig droning on about survival and how man is the most feared animal of the woods until he is mercifully the first one killed off.

The others scatter and while Joanie goes it alone, Peter and Ingrid discover more bodies, kill an innocent bystander and find their way to safety only to run back into the woods to search for Joanie and finish off the killer, who, in the meantime, has killed a couple in a VW camper, an artist, a fisherman and – somewhat randomly – beheaded a guy in a wheelchair. Why the fuck would someone wheel themselves up a mountain unaided? The guy even falls out of the damn thing at one point. And why was there an unsteady girl on rollerskates earlier on – are we to believe she skated up the mountain?

Don’t know the hell that is? She’s been skewered through her painting

There are numerous other questions raised by the sheer randomness of this project: the killer, when finally shown about halfway through, is some beardy guy who jangles when he runs, yet nobody hears him approaching… One early victim is tossed off a cliff face and lands on some rocks literally five feet from some people playing in a waterfall and they totally don’t notice!

Eventually, when Peter and Joanie defy the title of the film and return to the woods, they take with them a hunting party, the almost perfectly spherical sheriff and a fucking doctor from the hospital. Things end in a suitably nihilistic way (possibly the scene that got it banned) and it wraps with a stultifyingly horrendous song that can must be heard to be bought.

Don’t Go in the Woods sucks. It sucks so hard I feared that it might suck a hole in the fabric of space and take us all with it. But it’s funny as hell and worth seeing for a dare if nothing more. The dubbing situation is amusing on its own but when coupled with the abysmal acting of virtually all involved, it just becomes one more reason not to visit Utah.

Don’t give up the day job

Blurbs-of-interest: Mary Gail Artz (Ingrid – redhead) became a successful casting director soon after this faux pas and has credits on a lot of big films, including Halloween II and House of Wax in the horror realm. Angie Brown (Joanie) was in All-American Murder.

13 things to love about Friday the 13th

It’s that day again… The time of year when a gazillion Jason groupies shove their old VHS into the player and pay tribute to the family Voorhees and all of their unfortunate teenage victims. A bit luckier than Halloween fans who have an unmovable date but once a year.

Anyway, let’s share in my favourite 13 things about Friday the 13th and all glow with a sort of inner harmony. Or just go and watch one of them.

1. CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE

campcrystallake1aOh how I love the very notion of Camp Crystal Lake. What a fucking amazing name for a summer camp. None of this patronising theft of Native American words to make it sound all rustic and wildernessy, pure and simple and yet just a little bit spooky, living up to its reputation as Camp Blood.

2. FLOATY HEAD MRS VOORHEES

Surely no one can deny the coolness of the blurry, floaty head of Mrs Voorhees at the climax of Part 2; “it’s all done, Jason… You’ve done your job well and mommy is pleased.” And poor, lost puppy-like Jay buys into it for a few moments, reminding us all that he’s only doing what he does because he misses his mommy.

3. REPETITION

friday-repBodies are tossed through windows, blades shoot through bunks into victims and, seen here, trussed corpses spring from trees, but only when the final girl is about…

4. TALES ‘ROUND THE OLE CAMPFIRE

f3aA favourite ingredient in the genre of mine, rooting from here I imagine, the scary tale around the fire, a telling of the creepy local legend. I was happy to see that they resurrected the scenario in the 2009 reboot.

5. AMY STEEL

THE Friday final girl of choice for many, Amy perfected the role of Ginny in Part 2, using her skills as a child psych major to best Jason and ultimately survive. Subsequent heroines of Crystal Lake were good but they paled in comparison to the powerhouse of final girl-dom that is Amy.

6. TITS! TITS! TITS!

f13-boobsI’ve never much seen the reason for the endless toplessness at Crystal Lake but it offends me not. I quite like the ridiculous scenarios that initiate the quick removal of blouses and bras. A New Beginning and the reboot are tied with the most nudity and, conversely to those only casually familiar with the films, there’s no skin at all in Jason Lives and only fleeting glimpses in the original, Part III and Jason Takes Manhattan. How the hell do I know this shit!?

7. RIDICULOUS METHODS OF RESURRECTION

So he can survive a machete in the shoulder and an axe in the head but once he was properly ‘killed’ by Tommy Jarvis, Jason found some obscure methods of coming back from the dead over and over – or rather these ways found him: lightning bolt, underwater electrical current and even psychic chick, proving you can’t keep a good psycho down.

8. THE SACK

Baghead_jasonBefore the iconic hockey mask, there was the sack. Hell, it creeped me out big time when I first saw it. That lone eyehole combined with the dungarees and the check shirt making Jay look like some sort of mutant potato sack head farmer.

9. FACES OF THE FUTURE

f13-futureConsidering there are 12 films in the franchise to date, it’s a curiosity that there are only a handful of well known names dotted throughout its history… Kevin Bacon is likely to forever remain the most famous actor associated with the series prior to his fame ‘kicking in’. Little Corey Feldman debuted in The Final Chapter alongside Crispin Glover and sorta-famous Kelly Hu played Eva in Jason Takes Manhattan.

10. INTRINSIC 80’s STYLE

The 80s were littered with unique self-styling, from the mullets scarcely seen through the Jason movies to this, a whole look best summed up by punk guitarist JJ (Saffron Henderson) in Jason Takes Manhattan.

11. JUMP SCARES

Yet again I defer to Part 2 – my favourite – for the short, sharp shocks that punctuate it: this is a great case in point… Ginny (that lovely Steel woman again) shuts herself inside a small bathroom and waits…listens…slowly leans away from the door to try the window and then… ARGH!!!

12. THE LEGACY

legacyThe Burning, Madman, Sleepaway Camp (and its sequels), Cheerleader Camp, Bloody Murder (and its sequels) and Camp Daze all replicated the summer camp setting to slightly different effect. Some even had kids at the camps and opted killing them off. Proof of just how influential a critically panned $500,000 B-movie is.

13. JASON

Where would we be without Jason himself? The malformed 11-year-old who reportedly drowned in Crystal Lake in 1957 because the counsellors weren’t paying any attention, they were making love while that young boy drowned etc… He’s a true icon for a bunch of twisted reasons but who cares… Jason, we love you!

Before you die you see…The Cow

psycho98PSYCHO

3 Stars  1998/15/100m

“Check in. Relax. Take a shower.”

Director: Gus Van Sant / Writers: Robert Bloch & Joseph Stefano / Cast: Vince Vaughn, Julianne Moore, Anne Heche, Viggo Mortensen, William H. Macy, Philip Baker Hall, Robert Forster, James Remar.

Body Count: 2


With all the horror community hoo-hah over the endless stream of remakes n’ such ruining our favourite classics, it’s easy to forget that the most classic of classics got refunked back at the arse end of the 90s.

Although calling Psycho ’98 a remake isn’t strictly true, it’s more like a cover version without any stamp of ownership. You know when Simon Cowell drones on about “you made that song your own” (even though they quite clearly bastardized it), Gus Van Sant’s strangely hollow project to simply re-shoot Psycho in colour with very few modifications of era is similarly perplexing. Cowell, of course, would’ve made it into a musical and cast Leona Lewis as Marion Crane so she can keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding… OK, crap joke. I’ll slap myself in the face with a custard pie for that one.

psycho98-shower

And so it came to be… Various filmians moaned before the project even went into pre-production and now it’s all but forgotten and it’s easy to see why – it’s been asked a gazillion times but, Mr VS – what was the point?

Besides being in colour, and updating some dialogue and the amount of money Marion Crane makes off with, Psycho ’98 re-treads the boards down the composition of shots, angles, effects work (Arbogast’s backward tumble down the stairs) and characterisations. All I remember of the “new-ness” was that Norman Bates cracks one out watching Marion take a shower and Julianne Moore utters the batty line “hold on while I get my Walkman,” upon which the audience decided to start laughing.

Curiously, Van Sant adds a surreal little montage right before Marion is stabbed, which, I assume was supposed to represent life flashing before her eyes, which included a cow (or possibly a sheep?) in the road. Whassat about? Did she run it over? Was it a foreshadowing? Is it Psycow?

Norman's moo-ther? Har-de-har-harrr

Norman’s moo-ther? Har-de-har-harrr

Otherwise, things otherwise clunk along in a Xerox of 38 years before but the dialogue now sounds out of place (Walkman line excepted) and the almighty cast of players is reduced to imitation rather than expression, making me wonder why any of them would’ve signed up to star in something where there’s so little ‘acting’ for them to do…

Vince Vaughn wasn’t the big star he now is (and possibly now was) back then and does okay with the role but is simply too hulking and broad to play a cross-dressing mama’s boy convincingly. While les hasbian Anne Heche (where’d shego?) is acceptable as Marion and the always lovely Moore is equally fine with being Lila, as is Macy as the detective. Herein lies the blandness of it all – they’re all just fine. Nobody’s gonna win anything for tracing a masterpiece and then painting by numbers.

psycho98-vv

That said, a ‘re-imagining’ would’ve only incited more wrath. I recently read an amusing analogy on the IMDb where somebody wrote: “If I put balls on Grandma, that doesn’t make her a ‘re-imagining’ of Grandpa!” I’m not sure what his point was but the carbon-copying does not make the story any less intriguing – it’s still a good yarn and therefore I award ye, strangely pointless remake, three stars.

Blurbs-of-interest: Heche played Missy in I Know What You Did Last Summer; Viggo Mortensen had been in Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III; Robert Forster was also in Uncle Sam and Maniac Cop 3; James Remar (Dexter’s dad!) was in coma-inducing med-stalker Exquisite Tenderness.

Curse of the geriatric viking-bear thingy

berserker1BERSERKER

1 Stars  1987/18/79m

“It’s too late to run. There’s no time to scream… Just close your eyes and pray to die.”

Director/Writer: Jef Richard / Cast: Joseph Alan Johnson, Greg Dawson, Valerie Sheldon, Rodney Montague, Shannon Engemann, Beth Toussaint, John Goff, George ‘Buck’ Flower.

Body Count: 5


The video box says that it’s based on “an old Nordic Legend.” Wow… that’s like saying it’s based on an urban legend – you know it means nothing. But given the final product, working the promo for this film couldn’t have been easy…

According to the stock-nerd character, a Berserker is some kind of Viking dude who has a bear mask, eats human flesh and has coincidentally been reincarnated in a descendant to “terrify” a group of “teenagers” who go on a camping trip where an elderly couple were shredded at the start. So far, so The Prey. But somehow even less engaging.

Who is the ancestor likely going to be? Mike, Josh, Kathy, Larry or Pappy Nyquist? I’m going for Josh.

Berserker barely qualifies as a slasher film at all, with a dismal body count and only two of the “teenagers” actually dying – both female, while the complete and utter dickhead guy is spared, as is the nerd, the cry-baby jock and a girl who does or says next to nothing.

Good opportunities to create tension slip right through writer-director Richard’s fingers and the lack of any strong, central heroine loses marks also. 79 minutes never felt so long.

Blurbs-of-interest: Flower turns up here and there in Cheerleader Camp, The Gas Station and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama; Joseph Alan Johnson was not only in the original Slumber Party Massacre but also wrote and starred in Iced! But the true before-they-were-famous star here is Beth Toussaint – and she gets naked!! She supplied the voice of the female caller in Scream 3 and has appeared in numerous soaps and TV shows.

1 20 21 22 23 24 28