Tag Archives: Friday the 13th

Cold Blooded

never hike in the snow 2020

NEVER HIKE IN THE SNOW

3 Stars  2020/31m

Director/Writer: Vincente DiSanti / Cast: Thom Mathews, Vinny Guastaferro, Bryan Forrest, Courtlan Gordon, Anna Campbell, Vincent DiSanti.

Body Count: 2


Released on the same day as the all-encompassing Friday the 13th Blu Ray box set, this prequel to the 2017 54-minute fan film that out fanned and out filmed all of its competitors serves as a sort of ‘expansion pack’ to build on its new little Jason-verse.

A teen photographer flees through the snow-carpeted forest floor in the vicinity of Camp Crystal Lake but is caught before he can reach his car by an unwelcoming Jason, who’s probably just trying to kick back and stay warm in his cabin. (J uses a bow and arrow for what feels like the first time?)

Local Sheriff Rick Cologne – Part VI alumni Vincent Guastaferro, one of the few second-tier characters to survive originally – instructs a young deputy to salt over the bloodstains while he goes to talk to the mom of the missing teen, discovering he’d purposefully gone looking for the old camp.

A spanner is thrown into Cologne’s approach in the form of Tommy Jarvis, who is intent on finishing off Jason all over again. Things culminate with the young deputy happening on the camp and seeing a light in a window… Don’t do it, dude.

never hike in the snow 2020

Because it doesn’t have the contained story Never Hike Alone afforded itself, Snow feels a tad superfluous by comparison, but with the knowledge the producers plan on further films, it’s a necessary puzzle piece. In its favour, it’s as marvellously made as its predecessor, with majestic aerial shots bringing us in, has great acting from everybody involved and even a glimpse of Mrs Voorhees.

Blurbs-of-interest: Campbell and DiSanti were in fellow fan film Jason Rising in 2021.

Most Wanted

As I type, 40 years ago they were likely coming to the end of the Friday the 13th Part 2 shoot and during post-production and MPAA back-and-forths, much of Carl Fullerton’s marvellous FX work would be scissored from the movie, seemingly forever.

VHS came and went, with a much-seen shot of this absent gorefest on the back of the box of a European release. I first saw the film in the summer of 1996 and was curiously disappointed about its omission. When DVD came along and several insert shots in some of the later films were restored, we all hoped Part 2‘s shish-ke-bob impalement kill of Jeff and Sandra would show up. Nuh-uh.

jeff sandra friday the 13th part 2

There was the From Crystal Lake to Manhattan box set with its Killer Extras disc, featuring cut footage from the other movies, but not Part 2. There were the deluxe editions that had ‘slashed scenes’ as extras on the other films, but not Part 2. There was the 2013 deluxe 8-film set on Blu Ray with more new extras for the other films, but still no sign of the excised scenes.

Interwebz rumours had long pointed towards Fullerton possessing the footage and I’ve seen countless petitions and campaigns over the years to try and locate it to no avail.

And then came Scream Factory.

What my friend Ross correctly dubbed ‘the last word’ on the franchise sees all 12 movies together for the first time in one cutely decorated box, 16 discs in all, confined only to Region-A Blu Ray.

scream factory friday the 13th box

So I bought a multi region Blu Ray player.

Amazon Canada were doing the sweetest deal, but then suddenly the page said they couldn’t/wouldn’t ship to Europe. Amazon US were charging more but there were no shipping issues it seemed, just a long-ass wait for Jason’s TransAtlantic voyage (not via the Lazarus), but eventually a 2-day wait from a UK-based eBayer had the box turn up on Saturday morning at 9am.

I rugby dived to the player, dog crazily running around hoping the big box contained biscuits or tennis balls, and in went Part 2. Of course, the player revved up like some Lovecraftian God awakened from centuries of slumber; the TV kept telling me the remote was now usable for the player as well; the don’t-copy-this-disc warning seemed to remain on screen for hours.

But there it was, on the extras menu: Slashed scenes.

PLAY.

A mere song-length of extended and unseen takes from my favourite slasher movie of all time unfurled before my hazy morning eyes.

  • Alice vs. Icepick
  • Crazy Ralph’s last hurrah – 12″ extended disco mix
  • The doomed Deputy’s hammer-to-the-head
  • More of Scott’s savage throat slashing
  • A micro-second longer of poor wheelchair-bound Mark’s blade to the face
  • Vickie’s stabbing
  • An I-can’t-see-a-difference Jason-through-the-window take
  • Mrs Voorhees’ head.

But the reason I signed on for all this madness, ordered the damn thing three times, and have become a Blu Ray lackie: Jeff and Sandra.

Maybe it’s my age, but compared to the other scenes, this is the only one I think was a real loss for the movie, an actual robbery of essential content, unlike slightly longer shots of the other denouements, the entire removal of what happens to them subtracted a lot of power from the scenario.

It lasts longer than I thought, comprising several shots as they writhe silently (no sound made it for any of the footage) and Jason grinds the spear through them in an almost humiliating demise.

I was 2 when this was shot. I’m 42 now. Thank you Scream Factory. It was worth the wait.

me-friday

*Gasp!* It’s you!

Murder She Wrote is a flickbook of interesting actors, from big names, to has-beens, but also all manner of folks who had – or would do – a slasher pic or two.

In an episode titled Sticks & Stones, our favourite movie mom Mrs Voorhees turned up. The late, great Betsy Palmer played one of three members of a development committee who wanted to build luxury condos on some land. Of course, the person who owned said land was – gasp! – murdered, and only Jessica has the patience to work out who. Seriously, when does this woman write?

betsy palmer murder she wroteSadly, Betsy wasn’t the killer this time, but she did return to the series a few years later in another role, so fingers crossed for a thick blue sweater and some kiddie voices telling her to kill people.

VIP’s of Slasherdom: Chewie

While I often opine that the 2009 Friday the 13th reboot peaked in the opening 20 minutes, with the rest of the film merely a serviceable slasher yarn, one character really stood out in the group of college kids on the conveyor belt of death… It’s Chewie! (who I thought was named Troy for ages).

aaron yoo friday the 13th 2009

“Shoot the boooooot!”

Why is he there? Dorm-dwelling collegiate, bong-enthusiast, best bud of Lawrence, and pretend-friend to the arsey rich host, Trent, Chewie is on the trip for the chance to see how the other half live. Not because he likes Trent or anything. Duh.

What does he want? Like most boys who visit the shores of Crystal Lake, Chewie just wants to get stoned and get laid, preferably by Bree, but admits he has more chance of fucking a penguin.

Why we love him: Yoo was able to inject so much into what amount to probably less than 15 minutes of screentime with pitch perfect delivery of lines, even babbling to himself as he drunkenly explores the toolshed and helps himself to rich folks’ wine.

Murder House Goes to Camp

american horror story 1984

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: 1984

2.5 Stars  2019/377m

Created by: Ryan Murphy & Brad Falchuk / Cast: Emma Roberts, Billie Lourd, Leslie Grossman, Cody Fern, Matthew Morrison, Gus Kenworthy, John Carroll Lynch, Angelica Ross, Zach Villa, DeRon Horton, Lily Rabe, Dylan McDermott, Mitch Pileggi, Lou Taylor Pucci.

Body Count: 66-ish

Laughter Lines: “Girls are red, boys are blue. Don’t try to make purple.”


Before being mercifully put out of its (and our) misery, Ryan Murphy’s earlier attempt at a slasher TV show, Scream Queenswas slated to have a season set at a summer camp. However, people ran faster from it than celebrities from a Trump endorsement proposition, and it never came to be. Big spoilers.

In all likelihood, many of those ideas were exported to the far more wide-reaching American Horror Story, for its ninth season. While I only saw the first three seasons of the anthology series before I moved abroad, I heard it was starting to struggle after a while. I picked up at Apocalypse (the eighth year), which I found fine in its own batshit crazy way, and hoped for a good slasher-based yarn in 1984, to be set at a summer camp. YAY.

american horror story 1984

While far from the sledgehammer-to-the-screen inviting disaster that was Scream Queens, 1984 is nevertheless something of a chaotic mess, that plays out like the ideas tank was empty after just a few episodes and so the writers just began tacking on ‘the other massacre’ that occurred even before the previous other one. But wouldn’t someone have already mentioned that?? Apparently not.

In 1970, the janitor at Camp Redwood, CA, slices up the inhabitants of a cabin. Known as Mr Jingles, the loon is put away and the camp is re-opened fourteen years later by the sole survivor, questionably unhinged puritan, Margaret (Grossman). Due to the camp’s rep around those parts, she can only attract a few counsellors, in the shape of a group of friends from LA: wannabe actor Xavier, failed athlete Chet, nice-guy orderly Ray, aerobic instructor Montana, and newbie Brooke (Emma Roberts not doing her acid-tongued schtick for a change), who agrees to go at the last minute, when she’s attacked in her apartment by the Nightstalker serial killer, Richard Ramirez, who swears he’ll track her down. They’re joined there by the activities director Trevor, Nurse Rita, Chef Bertie, and a delirious hippie they accidentally ran over nearby.

american horror story 1984

Being 1984, the entirety of the backdrop is swimming in big hair, spandex, and people saying ‘rad’ a lot. Of course, Mr Jingles escapes his institute on the same day and heads back to camp, arriving at the same time as Richard Ramirez, and the bloodbath is underway pretty damn quickly, with a few intermittent flashbacks to the questionable lives of the counsellors, who have been engaged in hazing accidents, steroid abuse, and wedding day murder-suicides.

That all of this occurred in the first episode, I was concerned 1984 would run out of creative kills and Ghostbusters jokes too soon. The first five episodes are set almost entirely during that first night, and it’s clear (all too soon) that there’s a supernatural element at work, as people who die seem to reappear alive and well. Anyone who remembers the first season, Murder House, will recall that those who haunt said abode died there, and are forever stuck within its walls. Well, Camp Redwood is the same: You die there, you’re stuck there. Although later rules around not being able to leave the camp were thwarted in the very first episode when the hippie character was on the road outside…

american horror story 1984

Things fast forward to 1989 as Brooke, sent down for the murders, faces her death sentence, while Margaret – revealed to be the real culprit – tries to capitalise on her ownership of the place by holding a music festival there with the intention of killing everyone who comes to it (Kajagoogoo are the unfortunate first arrivals). Mr Jingles is forced to abandon martial bliss to return to Redwood to clear his name and end the horror for good. Brooke comes back (after the strangest roller-rink scene, which allegedly makes five years in prison all better). Ramirez comes back. Another killer turns up too.

While things wrap up neatly at the end of episode nine, it couldn’t feel more obvious that whomever was running this show gave up to some degree. Somewhere in the middle, it’s revealed that there was another massacre at the camp in 1950, when Mr Jingles’ mom went berserk after her other son died in the lake, but this goes curiously unmentioned by anyone up to this point. Then, the ‘thirty years later’ arc at the end, Emma Roberts appears absolutely unaltered, with a throwaway line about fillers to excuse the fact a woman who should be in her 50s looks exactly the same as she did in her 20s. Honestly, there’s literally no ageing makeup in sight.

american horror story 1984

Billie Lourd gives a good speech about women being blamed for the violent crimes perpetrated by men, which would be an awesome summary if the sequence of events in 1984 didn’t trace back to the rage of a woman, who then convinces another woman to embark on a killing spree and frame a man for it.

OK enough moaning. There is some fun stuff here, most of it early on in the more Friday the 13th-ey episodes: Brooke’s frantic chase through the camp, the payphone ominously ringing outside in the storm, Shocker‘s Mitch Pileggi as the clinic warden, and the Halloween homage with the lunatics running amok. Trademark bitchy-dialogue from Ryan Murphy’s favourite actresses is somewhat reigned in, but there are some cute gags throughout: “What do people think of the 80s? Did Judd Nelson ever get his Oscar?”

american horror story 1984

In a meta-way, 1984 showcases over nine episodes the kind of deranged chop-and-change effect that killed the at-the-start awesome Glee, when it seemed that those writing the show had a much lower boredom threshold than anybody watching it, so flipped around romantic partners, character motivations, and allegiances on an almost weekly basis. Here, the frenetic “let’s add another killer!”, “let’s add another massacre!” goes way beyond even the worst written slasher films of the 1980s.

Blurbs-of-interest: Roberts and Lourd were in Scream Queens; Roberts was also in Scream 4.

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