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bloody moon 1981

BLOODY MOON

1 Stars  1981/18/85m

“Don’t panic, it only happens once in a [Bloody Moon]”

A.k.a. Die Sage Des Todes (The Legend of Death)

Director: Jesus Franco / Writer: Rayo Casablanca / Cast: Olivia Pascal, Christoph Moosbrugger, Nadja Gerganoff, Jasmin Losensky, Corinna Gillwald, Ann-Beate Engelke, Peter Exacoustos, Maria Rubio, Alexander Waechter

Body Count: 8

Laughter Lines: “If we could just get rid of everyone around us… then things could go back to how they were.”


If Bloody Moon was intended to be the Scary Movie of its day, I might be able to see past the fact it has a 5.3 rating on IMDb, but it’s seemingly played straight, rendering it one of the more misogynistic and unarguably awful exports of the early days. I imagine its residency on the Video Nasties list of the 80s has probably afforded it some credibility it’s entirely unworthy of.

A German-Spanish co-production, things begin with a disco at a Spanish language school, where a facially-scarred man procures a Mickey Mouse mask and fools a girl into thinking he’s someone else and then, when sex clearly fails, he settles for stabbing the girl with scissors instead in a scene that really plays into the accusations of woman-hating rhetoric in the genre: She gargles orgasmically as goes at her over and over in a play on sex he’s incapable of performing.

Five years later, the man – Miguel – is released into the custody of his sister, Manuela, who runs the language school, much to the chagrin of her aunt/owner, the wheelchair bound hag, Countess Maria Gonzales. Bro and sis enjoy an incestual relationship they wish to keep quiet – see Laughter Lines.

bloody moon 1981

No sooner does new student Angela rock up, the bouncy look-a-like girls of the school start getting murdered in graphically stupid ways. There’s little character development to show, they gossip about caretaker Antonio being the best lover on campus (there’s a second mentally deficient caretaker as well, of course). He asks Angela why she’s there and she replies she can speak fluent Spanish, and reels off a bunch of ‘my first Spanish lesson’ phrases like ‘Hasta Luego’, ‘Mañana’, and translations akin to: ‘Where can I buy potatoes on a Sunday?’

Also, if she’s fluent – WHY IS SHE EVEN THERE?

Angela is to room in the bungalow where the murder took place five years before. You know, the one where the perpetrator has been allowed back to live in the very same place? First to go is her friend Ava, who asks to borrow a sweater and then gets stabbed through the boob. Angela finds the body, screams, and of course by the time help comes, it’s gone, there’s no blood, and the murder mystery she’s reading is blamed for a nightmare. Her own clothes also change mid-scene from nightgown to floral print sweater.

When Ava doesn’t show for class, Angela worries, and in a pre-I Still Know What You Did Last Summer karaoke-machine moment, her language recording is interrupted with a message saying “I’m going to kill you and chop you up” etc. Of course, when teech comes over, no such voices.

bloody moon 1981

Angela then goes down to the harbour to look for Ava and a falling rock nearly kills her. She flags down two motorcycle cops who direct her to the warning on the sign. Her reply: “What good does a sign do when I can’t understand it?” Strike two against her fluency declaration.

Back at school, other girl Inga pretends to be having sex but isn’t. The other girls laugh at her through the window and she’s all like “I’ll have the best sex ever – you’ll see!!” and in the next scene she’s going past Angela down at the harbour in a car with the killer!? He drives her to some crumbling old mill and she allows him to tie her to a slab, saying “Hey I normally wouldn’t do this, but OK, as it’s you…” and then: “I still don’t know what you look like, why don’t you take off your mask?”

I mean, fucking hell, COME ON? She willingly goes off with a non-speaking masked guy to an abandoned place in the middle of nowhere and allows him to tie her up.

bloody moon 1981

Anyway, the slab thingy moves and a buzz-saw comes along, takes forever getting there, while some spying little kid tries to intervene and save her, the head comes off eventually and it’s anti-climactic and crap FX-wise. But then Franco throws in something a bit taboo: The fleeing child is cruelly run over by the killer.

Aaaaand back to the school again: Angela is convinced the killer is after her and barricades herself in her room and stabs a mannequin. Where the fuck did that come from, you ask? Like many goings-on here, it’s left unexplained. Laura says Angela reads too many scary books and offers to go get some drinks from the ‘Disco Club’ at the school (!??) but is killed with some garden-prong-thingy on her way back.

The killer attacks and Miguel tries to save the day, while Angela flees for help. The revelations that follow seem more at home in a soap opera than a horror film, but suffice to say, there’s more bloodletting, double-crossing, the obvious identity of the killer is revealed, and somebody utters this priceless line: “He came at me, you remember that! And just be damn sure to remember it.”

bloody moon 1981

Took me awhile but I realised the left image isn’t the shears making contact with her face, merely a promo shot cannily reproduced from the actual scene on the right.

Bloody Moon is just stitched together failed scenes; a slasher film based on the most rudimentary understanding of the genre where girls are either naked or stupid and nothing more, shot on the cheap with little care going into a cohesive script and hardly any visual flair ether – look out for the zoom where a chair obscures the subject’s face. The dubbing is also one of the more comically bad efforts out there (“just let yourself melt into my arms!”), and the moon isn’t even shown, let alone bloody in any way.

Undistilled crap from start to finish.

It certainly felt like a whole day

a day of judgment 1981 box

A DAY OF JUDGMENT

1 Stars  1981/15/97m

“The night HE came to collect his own.”

A.k.a. Stormbringer

Director: C.D.H. Reynolds / Writer: Tom McIntyre / Cast: William T. Hicks, Harris Bloodworth, Brownlee Davis, Jerry Rushing, Toby Wallace, Inga Dennis, Larry Sprinkle, Helen Tryon, Careyanne Sutton, Charles Reynolds.

Body Count: 9

Laughter Lines: “If you’re going to kill me, give me time to pray!”


This plodding oddity is notable only for being one of very few period slasher films, being set in a small Southern town in the 1920s, where, after what feels like hours of boring, dull scenes of dialogue, a mysterious cloaked figure has come to lay to waste the nasty folk.

Beginning with the departure of the local Reverend, who laments he has failed to make the local people change their sinful ways, very slowly and boringly we’re introduced to the various characters in town:

  • Greedy, fat bank manager who won’t give anybody debt extensions
  • Nasty old lady who hates children and poisons their pet goat
  • Cheating spouse of department store owner
  • Scheming ambitious boyfriend of said spouse
  • Angry alcoholic man
  • Man who wants his own parents committed for their estate
  • Some solicitor or something?
  • A rotund, but fair Sheriff

It takes almost 40 minutes for the first of these unpleasant reprobates to be taken out, dragged into the earth by creepy hands that spring from the soil. Then some guy shoots himself because fat bank manager tries to foreclose on his farm. Another guy dies during a fight and his wife and her lover cover it up by making it look like a car accident.

a day of judgment 1981

It’s all really confusing and boring. Why aren’t they being slashed up by the cloak-dude?

Some double-crossing crap is revealed, I zoned out. More people are being shot than sickled.

The score sounds like Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

My God, 97 minutes has never felt so long. This is worse than church.

SHIT A BRICK AND FUCK ME WITH IT – THE TWIST IS THAT IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

This isn’t a slasher movie its a Christian propaganda tale of A Christmas Carol proportions. The film even ends with the Ten Commandments scrolling up!

Blurbs-of-boredom: Jerry Rushing was the coach in Final Exam; Helen Tryon, William T. Hicks, and Larry Sprinkle were in House of Death.

The 100 Worst Slasher Films: #20-1

worst-stripMy belated Christmas-slash-New Year’s gift to you is the entire countdown of IMDb’s worst ranked slasher films from the 673 I’ve enjoyed/endured.

It saddens me to think of the days spent watching some of these dreadful, dreadful films. If nothing more, I hope this list provides you with a warning of what the avoid next time you’re in the mood for a stack of dead teenagers…

Regardé:

See full commentary for #100-81

100. Fatal Pulse (1988)
99. Blood Cult (1985)
98. Small Town Folk (2007)
97. Axe Giant (2012)
96. Study Hell (2004)
95. StagKnight (2007)
94. Slaughtered (2009)
93. Scar (2005)
92. The Prey (1980)
91. The Jackhammer Massacre (2003)

90. Heebie Jeebies (2004)
89. Hayride (2012)
88. Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2005)
87. Dark Walker (2003)
86. Cut (2010)
85. A Crack in the Floor (2000)
84. Cheerleader Massacre (2003)
83. Blood Reaper (2004)
82. Silent Bloodnight (2006)
81. Shadows Run Black (1981)

Commentary for #80-61

80. The Masque of the Red Death (1989)
79. BreadCrumbs (2011)
78. Adam & Evil (2004)
77. Kill Keith (2011)
76. The Choke (2005)
75. The Graveyard (2006)
74. The Pumpkin Karver (2006)
73. Knock Knock (2006)
72. Goodnight, God Bless (1987)
71. Camp Blood 2 (2000)

70. Drive In (2000)
69. Hatchetman (2003)
68. Switch Killer (2005)
67. A Night to Dismember (1983)
66. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
65. Horror 102: Endgame (2004)
64. Scared (2001)
63. Terror at Tenkiller (1987)
62. Motorhome Massacre (2006)
61. Deranged (2012)

Commentary for #60-41

60. Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)
59. Dead Above Ground (2002)
58. Camp Blood (1999)
57. The Catcher (1997)
56. The Curse of El Charro (2005)
55. Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)
54. Paranoid (2000)
53. The Watermen (2011)
52. Blood Sisters (1985)
51. Detention (2010)

50. Seed (2007)
49. Hollow Gate (1988)
48. Splatter University (1984)
47. Devon’s Ghost: Legend of the Bloody Boy (2005)
46. Do You Wanna Know a Secret? (2001)
45. Final Examination (2003)
44. Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove (2005)
43. Snapped (2005)
42. The Retreat (2005)
41. Memorial Day (1999)

Commentary for #40-21

40. Beyond Remedy (2009)
39. Bloody Murder (1999)
38. Dr Chopper (2005)
37. Bunnyman (2010)
36. Drive In Massacre (1976)
35. The Greenskeeper (2003)
34. Dark Harvest (2004)
33. The Last Slumber Party (1988)
32. Scream (1981)
31. Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

30. Jack-O (1995)
29. Mr Ice Cream Man (1991)
28. Hazard Jack (2013)
27. Stupid Teenagers Must Die! (2007)
26. Roadside Massacre (2012)
25. The Bagman (2002)
24. Carnage Road (2000)
23. Hollywood’s New Blood (1988)
22. The Fear: Resurrection (1999)
21. Night of the Dribbler (1990)

Leaving us with the twenty worst received slasher films I’ve seen according to public opinion.

Wait no longer, fresh in at #20…

20. Blood Lake (1987)

IMDb rating: 2.6
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Three teen couples (actually one couple are like 13) vacation at a shack by a lake, where a Dom DeLuise-a-like killer lays some of them to waste. Two of them to be exact. And maybe two or three other victims? I can’t remember, but this video-made film has poverty row stamped all over it.

19. Killjoy (2000)

IMDb rating: 2.5
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

killjoyUrban/ghetto slasher films feature heavily up this end of the worst list. An undercurrent of racism? Possibly, but none of the films are objectively any good. In this one, a sub-Beetlejuice vengeance demon is summoned by a dork who is repeatedly beaten up by the nasty local crew. At only 72 minutes, at least it’s over pretty quick.

18. Appointment with Fear (1986)

IMDb rating: 2.5
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

A man who has sold his soul to some Egyptian tree god kills his wife and goes after his infant son, who has been left in the care of the autistic neighbour, Heather, who has a band of purple make-up around her eyes and pretends she lives inside a jar. At a house in the desert, teens are dispatched until the evil-eyed final girl can rescue the bub and defeat the killer. Debisue Voorhees from Friday V pops in for her usual topless scene, and there’s decent use of one of those handheld satellite-hearing-from-afar thingies, but everything else blows.

17. Movie House Massacre (1984)

IMDb rating: 2.5
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

mhm1Teens working at a rundown old cinema where a fire killed loads of people years before are stalked and knifed by the ghost of a geriatric usher, who had murdered the ticket girl the night of the fire. Demented in every possible way, if it’s supposed to be a comedy it ain’t funny. Mary Woronov has a small role (despite top billing) as the bitchy manager’s assistant. Look out for a girl who dies from sliding down a wall!?

16. Spiker (2007)

IMDb rating: 2.4
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A mute, Albino serial killer who stabs his victims with railroad spikes escapes custody and returns to his old haunt where three teen couples are having themselves a party. All usual tropes are checked off the list.

15. Scarecrow Slayer (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.4
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

The second outing of the shoddy Scarecrow series sees Tony Todd as a paranoid farmer who accidentally shoots a teenager, whose soul is transferred into the scarecrow and goes on a killing spree. By far the worst of the ‘series’, topped off with WWE wrestling between two scarecrows. One good line: “You know, you have a real small penis for a guy who’s a real big dick!”

14. Nine Lives (2002)

IMDb rating: 2.3
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

ninelivesParis Hilton is the first to die in this rubbish flick set in a Scottish manor house where a English-hating ghost kills off nine ex-public school friends. But Paris is American. Uh? A final boy emerges as he’s Scottish and immune to it. Painful from start to finish.

13. Dark Fields (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Five teens on their way to a concert get car trouble and end up stuck in the house of a madman. Zero thrills in this cheap video project from the folks who later doubled the misery with Study Hell.

12. The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

IMDb rating: 2.3
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

Two annoying couples explore an old abattoir where a man blah blah killed blah was lynched blah… Of course the loon’s name is Marty Sickle. This is the very worst – outstaying its welcome by forever, pandering to girl-on-girl filler because it’s so fucking empty.

11. Zombie Nightmare (1987)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

zn5Adam West and Tia Carrere star in this demented voodoo revenge slasher, in which a be-mulleted jock is killed by a group of reckless teens in a hit and run, resurrected by the local Haitian priestess, and sets about evening the score. A bad movie dream, with totally different actors playing the zombie in various scenes, cringey acting, but a sense of inoffensive 80s stupidity.

10. Sweet Insanity (2006)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Girl’s parents go away for the weekend. Girl has friends over. Friends get stabbed. Cheapo Haute Tension-esque climax is confusing and the audio track is so bad it’s nearly impossible to comprehend what’s going on anyway. Retitled Stranger: A Soul Mate of Chucky for the UK, with a doll on the cover, even though there is no killer doll, no spooky doll, and no mention of dolls in the entire film.

9. Deadtime (2012)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

dt2Another rock band stalked by another killer whilst making a video for their big comeback. The only distinguishable thing about this one is that it’s British, but this helps none, as it traipses through a bog of bad production unities and a ridiculously annoying killer.

8. Grim Weekend (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

City folk go to a cabin in the woods, picking up a sexy hitchhiker on the way, where they are tormented by a clown with an axe. Horrible production values and obnoxious characters abound.

7. Cutthroat Alley (2003)

IMDb rating: 2.1
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

The ‘black guy dies first’ cliché is flipped in this urban LA slasher: Most of the cast are black but the white guy gets the blade first. Members of a street gang are being targeted by the masked psycho just as one ex-member is about to go to college after successfully turning his life around. Can he work out who it is before he’s next? A bit more surface polish than the other ‘ghetto’ slasher films make it more bearable and not so deserving of its place here.

6. Skeleton Man (2004)

IMDb rating: 2.0
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A bizarre fusion of 80s action tropes and supernatural slashings as a Delta force team are sent to South America to put a stop to the skeleton-faced figure who is killing everyone. The body count almost reaches 40, a helicopter is shot down with a bow and arrow, Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien are in it… An unbelievable film experience.

5. Alice in Murderland (2010)

IMDb rating: 2.0
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

alice1Sub-cheap rubbish with sorority girls throwing a birthday party in an old abandoned something or other… Alice is 21. Her mother died exactly twenty years ago that night, aged 21. They theme the party Alice in Wonderland. The killer dresses up as one of the characters from the book. An 86-minute endurance test.

4. Dead End Road (2004)

IMDb rating: 1.9
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

A killer who bases his murders on the works of Edgar Allan Poe does in various unfortunates in this cheap, but not awful film. There’s a good twist on The Tell-Tale Heart at the beginning, a pitchfork in the face, a decapitated head churned out of the bowling ball conveyer-return thingy. It’s low end for sure, but there’s worse.

3. Voyeur.com (2000)

IMDb rating: 1.6
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

College girls are invited to live in a house and be filmed 24/7 by sleazy low-end producers. Their plans for fame are thwarted by a masked killer who does everyone in. All the usual sex, bi-curiousity, pot-smoking stuff occurs and the killer turns out to be the shy girl heroine.

2. Urban Massacre (2002)

IMDb rating: 1.6
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

The entourage of growing rap quintet The Supernatchrals are being offed by another clown masked killer. What it is with urban slasher movies and clowns I do not know… but this one isn’t so bad until the end where the group have the killer cornered, lean in to unmask him and then stop, look at the camera and tell us we have to wait for the sequel. What. The. Fuck.

1: THE WORST RATED SLASHER FILM ON IMDb

Ax ‘Em (1992)

IMDb rating: 1.2
VeVo rating: 0.5 Stars

ax-emAn unsurprising victor, Ax ‘Em is quite deserving of its worst-of-the-worst title. Made by a talentless crew, what you can pick up about the story is a group of friends go to a house in the woods where a killer is at work, using strange metal spring things to kill folks with. Again, it tries to reverse the race suppositions by killing off the while characters and leaving about a dozen black people running around between the trees. Only a few of them die, others just vanish from the film altogether. This is less than camcorder made-a-film-on-vacation quality, it’s head-scratchingly strange, with absolutely no apparent knowledge of filmmaking on show. As someones own private film they made with friends, fine, it will give them a laugh at their ten year reunion, but to give it any kind of home video release…? Unfathomably awful, there are not enough sublatives in our language to justify how bad it is.

*

So there we have it… The 100 Worst. Of course, there are hordes of titles with mysteriously favourable rankings that didn’t make the list, and some that are frankly better than they may seem. Karma.

And the best, you caw, well they’re right here!

 

The 100 Worst Slasher Films: #80-61

IMDb.com’s lowliest rated slasher films – blame the general voting public, not me!

Check out #100-81 here.

80. The Masque of the Red Death (1989)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 3 Stars

Frank Stallone, Herbert Lom, and Brenda Vaccaro all crop up in this 43rd take on Poe’s tale. A young tabloid journalist cons her way into a masquerade ball at an eccentric’s Bavarian castle, where a cloaked and masked fiend begins offing the guests in a series of inventive ways. It’s the alleged ‘travesty’ to Poe that is to thank for the low rating, but it’s not a bad time killer by any degree.

79. BreadCrumbs (2011)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 2.5 Stars

bc3aA film crew making a porno rock up at a house in the woods where a couple of odd teenagers keep appearing, seemingly trapped in a world of childhood fantasy. Aging star Angie (Marianne Hagan from Halloween 6) is kind to them, which ultimately helps out when people start dying. Likeable characters help this one out in the first instance, but it begin to go downhill at the halfway point.

78. Adam & Evil (2005)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Graduating high school friends take a camping trip and begin falling victim to a masked killer. There’s a guy called Adam, who’s the hero, so will the killer be Eve, Yvette, or Yvonne? Every trope of the genre gets a tick in the box. In the UK, the film was retitled Halloween Camp 2: Scream If You Wanna Die Faster. The ‘first’ Halloween Camp was actually Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp. Way to confuse us, DVD people.

77. Kill Keith (2011)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

kk3

A very British ‘comedy’ concerning early morning TV, as potential successor’s to the departure of a presenter are done away with. The Keith of the title is British institution Keith Chegwin. The artwork parodied Kill Bill, and is about the only inventive aspect to the whole affair.

76. The Choke (2005)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

Psycho killers vs rock bands was a popular motif in the 80s and early 90s, but it wasn’t gone – only resting. Punk rock band The Choke are on the brink of a split, due to the pretty boy lead singer and guitarist going off in search of their own deal. One final gig sees them locked in Club 905 and stalked by a vengeful killer. Passably put together but excruciatingly paced and understated.

75. The Graveyard (2006)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A sort-of sequel to the Bloody Murder films: Yet another misjudged prank results in a death. Six years later, the others involved in it are summoned to a reunion at a closed summer camp, where a mystery killer hunts them down. Notable only for starring the guy who played Puck in Glee.

74. The Pumpkin Karver (2006)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

pumpkin-karverNew-to-town siblings become embroiled in a killing spree at a Halloween party in the middle of nowhere, courtesy of a maniac who likes to carve his victims’ faces into Jack-O-Lanterns. The first hour is a very, very slow build towards a ride that houses about as many surprises as a broken jack in the box.

73. Knock Knock (2006)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

“Answering the door will never be the same again,” promises the tagline for this retarded New York film, where the killer offs teens in accordance with their father’s occupation because of a prank from X years earlier… Clichéd ex-cop plotting and casual sexism only makes it more annoying.

72. Goodnight, God Bless (1987)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Another nail in the coffin of British horror, this begins quite daringly with a priest gunning down small children in a playground. The only surviving witness of this massacre is, along with her mother, stalked by the maniac. Some supernatural rubbish is added on, as well as a cop-falls-for-the-mother subplot. Director John Eyres would go on to helm Ripper: Letter From Hell to much improved results. One good piece of dire-logue: “When they put teeth in your mouth they ruined a perfectly good asshole.”

71. Camp Blood 2 (2000)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

campblood2If it was unbelievable enough that there was a Camp Blood 1, this also-shot-on-cam sequel is merely a continuation of the same dreadful quality: The sole survivor of the first massacre is invited to consult as an advisor on a film being made about the original murders. To the surprise of nobody on the planet, another clown masked psycho pops up and does the usual.

70. Drive In (2000)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 2.5 Stars

Billy Morrow is your garden variety hulking remedial, who’s never left his house thanks to his overbearing mother. His one connection to the outside world is watching the low-end horror movies that play at the drive in across the street. Eventually he gets out and begins killing various patrons, including burning one person’s face in hot nacho cheese at the concession stand. Cheap but cheerful, this innocuous film isn’t half as bad as others on this roster.

69. Hatchetman (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

“Mommy taking her clothes off isn’t as bad as hurting people,” says the final girl to the axe-toting murderer of girls from a pole dancing joint. He’s been chopping off their hands while the cop who happens to be dating the Courteney Cox-a-like heroine try to figure out who it is. A diluted take on the myriad of stripper-killer films that were big in the 80s, but not the worst thing ever.

68. Switch Killer (2005)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Girl flees her abusive ex and moves to Las Vegas, where she gets a job as a topless dancer and falls in love with another woman. Six months later, boyfriend arrives having had a sex change and stabs all manner of people to get to her. Sixteen of the 84 minute runtime is taken up by the end credits, which tells us just how much thought went into it. The director’s other slasher resume highlights, Mr Ice Cream Man and Carnage Road will feature further up the list.

67. A Night to Dismember (1983)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

nighttodismemberIt’s not really anyone’s fault that A Night to Dismember blows harder than a Pittsburgh hooker, a studio fire destroyed so much of the original footage, that director Doris Wishman spent years re-shooting and re-cutting it. All audio had to be re-dubbed, leaving the end product a kind of headache on screen, with a narrator struggling to make sense of it all.

66. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger are the superstars-to-be looking embarrassed by participating in this totally shitty fourth incarnation of the Sawyer family, with a crossdressing Leatherface. I remember so little about it there’s nothing else to write.

65. Horror 102: Endgame

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

Horror102College students who volunteered for a psychology experiment are locked inside a disused asylum where they are stalked and slain by a hooded killer. Half-a-star better than its predecessor, the non-slasher film Horror 101, both films are rated PG-13, enough to tell you there’s no point investing your time or energy.

64. Scared (2001)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

This sorry Scream knock-off has a masked killer offing the dopey cast and crew of a slasher film (which they call ‘the next Scream‘). Every scenario presented is fresh off the millennial slasher shelf, with nothing original to offer for itself.

63. Terror At Tenkiller (1987)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Two gal-pals go on vacation to a house alongside Lake Tenkiller, to escape an annoying ex-boyfriend. They take jobs as waitresses at the local diner, where the other servers have a habit of walking out and never coming back. There’s absolutely no attempt to disguise the killer’s identity, but with only eight characters in the whole thing, it probably wasn’t worth trying to fool anyone.

62. Motor Home Massacre (2005)

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Some amusing one-liners aren’t enough to save this vacation-from-hell DVD feature. Seven teens rent a clunky old Winnebago and venture off to the cursed Black Creek Park, scene of a series of murders that, of course, extends to them as soon as they arrive. It takes about an hour for anything to happen. Not the stuff of a legendary road trip.

61. Deranged

IMDb rating: 3.1
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

derangedA group of British women are invited to the bachelorette party of their eccentric Brazilian friend at her villa in Spain. Once there, the hostess apparently dies from a seizure and then somebody begins murdering the others. From the ‘mystery killer’s’ identity being on the fucking DVD cover to characters deciding to go off for sex during the carnage, this is truly deserving of its place here.

The 100 Worst Slasher Films: #100-81

Following the almighty undertaking that was The 100 Greatest Slasher Films, a few people asked if there would be a list of the 100 Worst films.

I was reluctant to do this for a couple of reasons. Mainly, no matter how awful any film, somebody somewhere has put their all into it, and seeing it declared the worst thing ever wouldn’t be nice for them to read. That said, if I’ve already reviewed it and given in one star, what’s the difference, right?

Also, deciding if Drive-In Massacre is worse than Ax ‘Em is no easy task either. One film can be well made but exponentially boring, whereas the cheapest Nokia-filmed crap can at least be fun to revel in.

So, I decided to go about it differently, and take all the films I’ve seen, cross-reference them with their IMDb ratings and present the 100 Worst films according to the great unwashed.

As we will see, some things in life are unfair, while others are just destined… Hold on.

100. Fatal Pulse (1988)

IMDb rating: 3.4 out of 10
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Sorority bimbos are being stalked by a shadowy psycho, who has the ability to cut throats with vinyl records! Bra’s are commonly slashed open first, of course. And nobody thinks to move out of the fucking house when the girl in the next room was murdered the previous night! Pure shite.

99. Blood Cult (1985)

IMDb rating: 3.4
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

BloodCult1Sorority bimbos are being stalked by a shadowy psycho – are we seeing a theme already!? Blood Cult is one of several films that claimed to be the first made-for-video-on-purpose. Like, who cares? It’s still total crap no matter the intentions. If you’d made a decent film, boast away… Severed fingers in a salad bowl is the ‘high’ point.

98. Small Town Folk (2007)

IMDb rating: 3.4
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

1.5 actually seems generous from my memory of this wretched British production. A 3-minute cameo by Leprechaun Warwick Davis cannot rescue the other 84 minutes, which is comprised of some of the most nauseating “FX” work I’ve ever seen.

97. Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2012)

IMDb rating: 3.4
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

ag1aWayward teens on one of those back-to-nature punishment weekends meander into the territory of an axe-toting giant who, uh, axes them. A SyFy-esque production, death by horrendous CGI effects is to blame. But the film does start off okay, with a few laughs to be had before the killing even begins.

96. Study Hell (2004)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

A strange Canadian slasher take on The Breakfast Club, with five archetypes on Saturday detention tormented by their PTSD-suffering teacher, who decides to kill them all. Cheap production qualities from the same home as Dark Fields, which we will see a little later.

95. StagKnight (2007)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 3 Stars

stagknight2The first one to mourn the inclusion of, StagKnight pits a group of bachelor party guys against a resurrected Templar Knight during paintball in the British countryside. Anglo-humour probably sinks this for international audiences. With a bigger budget this could have been on par with Shaun of the Dead. Boo you, IMDb voters!

94. Slaughtered (2009)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

From Britain we go down under to Australia for #94, where a pub lock-in locks in a group of patrons with a psycho killer. With a budget likely no more than a round of beers and a script scribbled on the back of a beer mat, Slaughtered has very little to entice, but could be okay if you made a drinking game out of it…

93. Scar (2005)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A film so boring I can remember nothing about it beyond Dee Wallace Stone being in it. Notes tell me it’s about the ghost of a rape victim who appears and axes horny woodsmen, while two teens look for clues about the death of their friend a year earlier. I’m also reminded of how bored I was at the time i might just fall asleep at the keybocsrsthajlgvma

92. The Prey (1980)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

prey1Our first loss from the golden era, this basic campers-in-peril flick has the guy who played Lurch in The Addams Family offing the usual bunch of over-aged teens during a hike into the woods. I didn’t find it so bad, but then I never watched it again either…

91. The Jackhammer Massacre (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Bloke does drugs, bloke goes mad, bloke attacks various people with a jackhammer. Bloke is conveniently named Jack.

90. Heebie Jeebies (2004)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Not to be confused with Jeepers Creepers, this is actually an anthology with a slasher opus built around it to join up each story. A girl who can dream the future has bad premonitions about her highschool friends so does the only logical thing – invites them to a shoddy old house in the middle of nowhere. Groan.

89. Hayride (2012)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

HAY1An average effort about an Alabama Halloween Haunted Hayride attraction crashed by an escaped lunatic who stabs his way through the actors on the big night. Low-end production values aren’t great, but there’s far worse around that this doesn’t really deserve to be in the 100 Worst.

88. Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 3 Stars

Another one not deserving of its place here, in spite of production problems throughout its shoot, the first half of Samhain carries pleasant echoes of Friday the 13th-era shenanigans, but begins to fall to pieces once the meat of the story, concerning Descent-like creatures eating tourists in Ireland, is underway. It’s also decked out with big name porno actors.

87. Dark Walker (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Another Halloween attraction becomes a slaughterhouse when it’s built atop a patch of cursed ground. Like many other bad decisions, the teens employed to work at the place refuse to leave after several murders, citing that they need the cash, evidently more than they need their own head.

86. Cut (2010)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

cut1aAs the likes of Blood Cult pride themselves on being the first made-for-video film, Cut is proud to be the first film shot entirely in one continuous take. Trivia informs us it took 36 takes to get it right, which, when you think about it would be super annoying if someone screwed up at the last second… Anyway, people in a house are tormented by clown-faced loons and Gremlins‘ Zach Galligan is in it.

85. A Crack in the Floor (2001)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Three teen couples go camping in the wrong part of the woods and disturb a Jason-like hermit who lives beneath the floor of a cabin. Playing like a tribute to Friday the 13th Part III in particular, it’s innocuous stuff with that muscle guy from Saved By the Bell and Gary Busey as a deranged- Gary Busey playing himself.

84. The Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2.5 Stars

Posing at Slumber Party Massacre IV and directed by Jim Wynorski, this features genre-fixture Brinke Stevens as the grown-up victim from the 1982 film, apparently not dead after all, and a group of cheerleaders who take shelter from a snowstorm at a cabin… By now I’m sure y’all can guess the rest.

83. Blood Reaper (2004)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

It’s Brinke again! Though even she looks bored in this seen-it-all-before tale of campers going where they shouldn’t. 80 minutes of people meandering slowly through trees and little else. Points almost awarded for electing the plus-size girl as the final girl, but then they go and ruin that too.

82. Silent Bloodnight (2006)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

silent3aIn bad-movie terms, Silent Bloodnight is a goldmine of laughter. An Austrian film where the actors (attempt to) speak English opens things up to some hilarious dialogue: “Something unexplained has happened!” wails the frightened heroine at one point. The laidback European approach means there’s full frontal nudity for BOTH genders.

81. Shadows Run Black (1981)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Kevin Costner’s secret shame. He only has a small red herring role in this piss poor Halloween wannabe that features a ski-masked killer doing in naked chicks who’ve dared to dabble in drugs. Misogynistic garbage. Costner’s name is suspiciously absent from the credits, which appear to be real-time typed as the credits roll.

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