Tag Archives: I want to die

Shitty Sequels IV: Shit Floats

SYT – Shitty Young Thing. Shitty in Pink. Sex and the Shitty… There are too many puns.

Last time – here, here, and here – the shittiest of shitty sequels were named and shamed for all to mock. Or protest in the name of. Or avoid. Whatever. Now, we’re back again, but will it be the end? Will the sequels ever be stopped!?

No.

Boogeyman 3 (2008)

First up is an odd one, for the original Boogeyman - barely a slasher film, barely a HORROR film when you think about it – was dire. Really, really bad. The stuff of CG-coated nightmares. Then came that sequel and almost everything about it was right. Thus, high(ish) hopes were set on the third outing, in which the Boogeyman invades a college dorm and the hysteria created by the deaths of collegiate teens amplifies his presence blah blah… Nice idea, cheap ass outcome. One of those films where hardly anything occurs outside of the studio set, so it’s rendered boring as hell. Miles ahead of the original, but this is one college course it will surely flunk.

*

 ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2 (2011)

Tie this one with The Collection for heinous back-pedaling and re-branding, as the straight up killer-chases-girl shenanigans of the entertaining first film are tossed aft and replaced with some franchise-hungry conspiracy of bloodthirsty rich people nonsense that was already done and dusted in Hostel. And Turistas. And Paintball. And any number of other films where those wish means pay to watch young hotties cut up for their perverse pleasure. Danielle Harris’ cameo and a couple of familiar faces notwithstanding, just an ugly, depressing outing.

*

Wrong Turn 5 (2012)

Wrong Turn 3 featured on an earlier edition of Shitty Sequels; the fourth film was a marginal improvement and I guess we all naively hoped that with the announcement of a sequel-to-the-prequel would continue to claw back the credibility of the original 2003 film.

No. Wrong Turn 5 makes the Child’s Play franchise look like a mature observation of a childhood disrupted by unfortunate external circumstances. Ludicrous situations, film sets that resemble dolls’ houses, high-pitched giggling killers, Pinhead! Just get a SatNav.

*

The Graveyard (2006)

Unofficially, the third film in the Bloody Murder ‘series’, this one starts anew to some degree, with a past-event trauma that sees Puck from Glee impaled on a rusty piece of railing. X years later, the surviving friends reunite at Camp Placid Pines where they are picked off one by one by a vengeful killer.

As with Boogeyman, this was a ‘series’ where the first one sucked harder than a meth-starved hooker, but was saved in part by a vastly superior and fun sequel, only for it all to go to shit all over again with this inspid third, and so far final, entry. Bury it and salt the ground so it can never grow back.

*

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

And we save the most laughable  for last… News that Kim Henkel was going to breathe life back into his keepsake series was met with hope. Hope that was dashed, and then sawn to pieces by the arrival of this truly horrific excuse for a reboot, that incorporates apparent time-travel, characters who fail to age, blink-quick empathy, and no trace of irony as characters make all the mistakes we thought they’d quit making back in 1988.

 

 

President’s Day

hhoh5aHORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY FIVE

1 Stars  1985/88m

“They were young and in love. He was crazy. She was dead.”

Director/Writer: Richard Casey / Cast: Phil Therrien, Gina Christiansen, Max Manthey, Irene F, Michael Castagnolia, Ronald Reagan.

Body Count: 8

Laughter Lines: “I think I know a secluded place where you can complete your project.”


1985 was a sucky year in horror from the casual observer’s perspective: Elm Street 2 (I like it!)… Friday the 13th Part V (I like it!)… But all those people who bitch about Friday 5 should be forced to sit and watch Highway 5.

As a viewing experience, it seldom gets any weirder than Horror House on Highway Five – which was actually shot in 1983 – that trying to explain what fragments of a story there is could prove entirely redundant, but here goes…

  • A man and a woman in a house are murdered by a loon wearing a Richard Nixon mask. This takes approximately forever. But the woman makes some amazing faces in the mirror before she bites it.

hhoh5-face2

  • A teacher assigns three students a project about the V2 rocket. Louise and Mike will go and make a model rocket, Sally will “do interviews”.
  • Sally is kidnapped by the bizarre duo of Dr Marbuse and his dim-witted assistant/friend Gary.
  • Mike and Louise find a dead cat and a dead body but don’t seem to care much.
  • A couple in a car run over the Richard Nixon loon; the guy dies in the accident, the chick runs off and finds the house where Sally is being held and is snatched away by Dr Marbuse.
  • Mike then goes to the same house and is slashed to death by a seemingly invisible force. The killer then goes after Louise, who also ends up back at the house, tries and fails to save Sally, is chased by Marbuse, the Richard Nixon loon, fires the rocket, and makes it to the freeway in daylight.

hhoh5-killer2

What the intentions of Horror House are remain a mystery. It’s got some Plan 49-style crap appeal in parts, but the 88 minutes feel more like 188, it’s difficult to tell what’s happening on screen and whomever was tasked with providing the cello music for ‘tense’ moments might’ve bothered to learn some notes first. Is it a joke? It it serious? Shot at the height of the American irony crisis of the mid-80s, it’s hard to call.

As an LSD experiment, it could prove to make for interesting watching but barely ticks any slasher movie boxes anyway. You’ll certainly be left with a lot of questions. But rather than regurgitate what those might be, here’s some additional Laughter Lines, neither of which can do justice to how bad they are delivered:

  • “Sure is nice out here. Not many houses though. Oh, look there’s a house. And there’s another house.”
  • “What’s wrong with you? You just ran that guy over. You must have a low IQ.”

Wardrobe choices are vile, with Louise (above) spending most the film in white dungarees. That hat sadly landed on her head only for this scene and then flew away for good. For a “teenager”, Mike has a big receding hairline. On occasion, there’s absolutely no dialogue or screaming where there perhaps should be.

Completists and fans of psychotronic, drug-fucked mind-trips are probably the only recommended audiences. Everyone else – scratch that – EVERYONE should stay clear.

Through the (shot on video) looking glass

ALICE IN MURDERLAND

0.5 Stars  2010/18/86m

“Through the looking glass and straight to hell.”

Director/Writer: Dennis Devine / Cast: Malerie Grady, Marlene Mc’Cohen, Kelly Kula, Katie Locke O’Brien, Christopher Senger, Heath Butler, Kim Argetsinger, Jennifer Field, Elizabeth Lam Nguyen, Jennifer Kamstock, John Buco II.

Body Count: 10

Dire-logue: “She died when she was 21… I turn 21 this week!”


Irredeemably bad shot-on-video slasher flick that attempts to staple a body count opus to Lewis Carroll’s famous stories – which I’ve never read and possibly never seen an adaption of.

Eight sorority sisters throw a themed party for Alice’s twenty-first birthday, and do it in the old warehouse where her mother was murdered twenty years earlier – at the age of 21!

Once gathered at the party, where they’ve decided to ban cell phones, ignore bars on the windows, and ‘party’ without music, food, or guys. Only Alice’s uncle is permitted entry, and bitchy sister Tiffany sneaks a guy in, who is quickly slaughtered.

A psycho dressed as the ‘Jabberwocky’ (what??) soon begins doing in the girls one by one and turns out to be because blah blah blah. Alice in Murderland is cheap, dull and stupid, with some horrendous dialogue written by Captain Obvious: “my mother was killed here twenty years ago this very night!” The bloodletting is liberal but akin to somebody squirting a ketchup bottle as hard as they can at the actor being slashed/axed/sliced.

An absolute waste of 86 minutes.

Blurb-of-shame: Devine also directed the crappy Dead Girls.

Hop on by

BUNNYMAN

1 Stars  2010/18/86m

A.k.a. The Bunnyman Massacre (UK DVD cover)

“Pretty girls die young.”

Director/Writer: Carl Lindbergh / Cast: Cheryl Texiera, Matthew Phillips, Matthew Stiller, Alaina Agianci, Veronica Wylie, Scott Kuza, Lucia Sullivan, David Scott.

Body Count: 10


I wonder if the producers of this movie had happened across a Chipmunk costume first, it might well be called Chipmunkman? That’s how relevant a guy hiding under a novelty rabbit getup actually is. The mascot-of-murder schtick may have been the best component in the otherwise dull Girls Nite Out but here it just fails miserably.

The production company for this flick is called No One Cares. It’s “a No One Cares Production”. And that’s pretty damn telling because nobody seemed to give a damn about writing a coherent script.

Bunnyman is an excruciating endurance test of the ridiculous that could’ve – neigh, SHOULD’VE – been titled Idiotic Decisions: The Movie.

Six ‘young people’ in a car are tormented by a big ol’ truck they pass. Just like in Duel. The truck tries to run them off the road at a whopping 53 miles-per-hour! And then slower. And slower. And slower until the “car chase” creeps… along… so… damn… slowly… it… would… put… a… can… of… RedBull… into… a… coma…

The fact that the occupants of a fairly modern looking car can’t outrun a massive truck is stupid. The fact that they think it’s BETTER to STOP and try to APOLOGISE to the driver is stupid. The fact that they can’t think up a better plan than WAITING OUT the truck is stupid.

This kinda crap continues until the car conks out from hitting a small piece of shrubbery and the truck returns, killing one of the group. The others are then on foot and have no luck raising help. None of them mention cellphones. They have no food or water. They argue lots, sleep out in the woods, wake up giggling and joking – hello? your friend is still dead… You’re still stuck out in the woods with a psycho…

Eventually, the killer, wearing a giant Bunny Rabbit costume, shows up and chainsaws a few of them. The first instance of this has a girl and a boy spying on the killer. When he spies them back, the guy runs off and she is buzzed to bits a minute later. Yet, when he catches up with the others, he confirms she’s dead, despite being long gone before the fact.

Earlier on, the characters moaned that if they left the car they’d dehydrate quickly as it’s so hot. And they can’t outrun a guy in a fucking fuzzy suit and lugging a heavy chainsaw.

Bunnyman is full of this kind of weird stupidity:

  • When one character attempts to apologise to the truck driver, a girl hiding in the open back of the truck (clearly needing help) just sits there and, soon after, allows herself to be dragged out and killed. And is even SURPRISED when it happens.
  • “If your friend is already dead, why do you need a phone?”
  • They’re supposed to be in the middle of nowhere with no help but you can see another car in the background.
  • They defend themselves against a chainsaw attack with a mattress.
  • “We’re safer outside of the car than we are inside the car.”

And the addition of classical music to a scene where a girl is tortured whilst tied to a bed only highlights the lack of class on show.

Despite director/writer/producer/actor Lindbergh’s impressive enough camera work and production polish, everything that happens in Bunnyman happens wrong. Like a bitter, out of date easter egg, it’s shiny and pretty on the outside and sickening under the foil.

Inexplicably followed by two sequels.

“It’s worse than dying!”

WHODUNIT?

 1.5 Stars  1982/18/79m

A.k.a. Scared Alive; Island of Blood

“It’s worse than dying!”

Director/Writer: Bill Naud / Cast: Bari Suber, Rick Dean, Richard Helm, Red McVay, Jeanine Marie, Marie Alise, Terry Goodman, Ron Gardner, Jim Piper, Gary Phillips, Steven Tash.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Could you shut up? Just shut up ‘cos you’re depressing!”


Don’t you love how the 18 sticker is over the W making it look like the film is called Hodunit? That would be one awesome flick.

Is Whodunit? worse than dying? Would living in a world where Whodunit? didn’t exist be a bad thing? Hmm…well, who knows. We’ll all find out one day I guess. Maybe on my death bed as I recant all my wrongdoings I’ll be reminded of Whodunit? and it’s witty tagline (suited more to the alternate title Scared Alive) and that’ll finish me off.

Anyway, a group of actors are dropped off at Creep Island (where else?) with the director and producer of a “positive youth film” to begin rehearsals for an imminent shoot. Their mortality is soon problematised by the arrival of a maniac killer, who dispatches them in accordance with the lyrics of a terminally awful glam-rock song that is played on a seemingly endless supply of small grey portable cassette recorders that swing like pendulums from trees and telegraph each impending death to the words of the song:

“Boil me, boil me, boil me, face to face…” and so on ad nauseum with ‘boil’ substituted for shoot, spear, burn, saw, chop and nail. Still sounds better than the Christmas X Factor singles though.

Needless to say, the budding thesps soon meet their ends as predicted until only crappy singer-turned-actress BJ (phnarr!!!) remains to duke it out with the person she believes is the killer, who, in turn, believes SHE is the killer, while a third character holding a single candle (outside on a windy night, no less) encounters another suspect and says: “Stay away from me or I’ll burn you!”

With a candle. Ooooh, scary!!

This tangles mess fills in some of its slack with long scenes of people meandering around an old dilapidated building in a bid to create tension – but the murders are quite gory and there are some half-neat one-liners.

Without the ever-reoccurring annoyance of THAT song and some closure on why a totally anonymous and forgotten woman gets shot in the face at the beginning, this might’ve been good in an after-dinner cheeseboard sorta way.

So, no, not WORSE than dying. But that song certainly is.

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