Tag Archives: I want to die

Ranty Monday: I watched TWILIGHT

Maybe this should be under ‘Today I HATE…’


Rarely, will you find me taking such a vitriolic stand about a bad film – hey, I liked Jason X - but this… Jesus wept, why has this franchise become so inexplicably popular!? I wouldn’t normally waste precious bandwidth on a non-slasher film but I was kinda angry!

The “story” concerns a girl called Bella, who moves to a new town. Bella is moodiness personified: sullen, glum, dull as the weather in her new town and yet a vegetarian vampire falls in love with her…because he cannot eat her. Other vampires want to eat her, so her love-vamp, Edward, hides her to protect her (God knows why, she’s so damn boring), kills bad vampire. The end.

Vegetarian Vampires? Someone call Buffy… NOW!

So, not only does the “story” in fact feature no story, indeed in a two hour film rarely has so little actually happened, but it’s just so insultingly inoffensive, tip-toeing around issues of sex and violence, raping vampire lore by having them freely wander around in the daylight and observe their own reflections – it’s an absolute affront to be included in the horror genre at all.

A bland, banal, upsettingly sub-mediocre story that has somehow struck gold on the book front, now it’s set to poison the box office too… Pass me a razor, I’m going to need to self-harm if I want to see any excitement.


deadgirlsDEAD GIRLS

1.5 Stars  1990/104m

“When rock n’ roll fantasy turns into a nightmare.”

Director: Dennis Devine / Writer: Steve Jarvis / Cast: Diana Karinkas, Angela Eads, Key Schaber, Angela Scaglione, Steven Kyle, Dierdre West, Jeff Herbick, David Chatfield, Ilene B. Singer, David Williams.

Body Count: 15

Dire-logue: “Would you please stop embarrassing him and yourself and anyone else forced to watch this revolting spectacle…”

The Dead Girls are a shiter than shite rock band who look like bargain-basement Bangles – all big hair and strappy, tight leather clothes – and yet the drummer is a guy. And this was made in 1990, after the spandex death metal revolution was done with, right? And that isn’t them on the cover, that’s just some random group of girls. Maybe they’re dead too though. The band are blamed for the suicide of a group of teenagers who listen to their songs – Nail Gun Murder and You’ve Got to Kill Yourself - and take the latter seriously. One girl survives and she happens to be the kid sister of the bands’ songwriter, Gina.

Gina decides the band needs a vacation and so they do what all 80’s horror film rock bands do: they go to a cabin in the woods. There, they are hacked up by a skull-masked looney toon who kills in accordance with the lyrics of their crappy songs. Is it the identikit retarded groundskeeper? Is it Gina’s nasty aunt and uncle, who raised kid sis and tell Gina they hope she’ll “burn in hell for this?”

Dead Girls is another slasher film where the characters act completely illogically: one victim faces off with the killer and, before he axes her, says this: “I used to be afraid of the afterlife – but not anymore!” It’s also 104 minutes long. One-hundred-and-four minutes. Sixteen minutes away from two bloody hours.

The extra half-star is for the laughs. If you can block-book a day off to watch it – advisably in shifts no longer than fifteen minutes – then it’s good for a few giggles, especially the acting skills of the “burn in hell” woman, who was quite possibly approached in a mall parking lot and asked to come and utter some lines to camera.

Vixen forever! I’ve been livin’ on the edge of a broken heart… Yeah!


seed1.5 Stars  2007/18/86m

Director/Writer: Uwe Boll / Cast: Michael Pare, Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller, Andrew Jackson, Thea Gill, Jodelle Micah Ferland.

Body Count: 10

At the “world premiere” of Seed, much-critiqued director Uwe Boll told the audience he wanted to make a horror film “that was no fun.” Well, he’s done something right…

Seed begins with a warning that it contains “actual scenes of torture,” but the only ‘real’ footage is that of animals a pelt house, supposedly being watched by the killer. It’s gross, to be sure, as a soppy animal lover and immediately dragged my dog closer to me in protection from it’s icky grossness. Strangely – and possibly emphatic of the criticism levelled at Boll’s questionable skills – none of it has anything to do with the rest of the film, which is set in 1979, although we don’t learn this until we see the date written down at least one third of the way through!

The loon here, Max Seed, has apparently murdered 666 people in 6 years – which means 2.13 victims per week without being caught. Yeah, Uwe, “OK”. We see the killer’s cell where he starves various unfortunates to death, starting with a dog (mine is huddled ever closer), then a baby. Through time-lapse photography, they rot into skeletons. Fairly grim. I toy with ejecting the disc and skipping this one altogether.

“Fortunately”, things brighten up just a lil bit once he is caught and strapped into The Chair. There’s some gibberish about the chair not working properly and a bullshit triple jeopardy rule that states if a convict survives three jolts of electricity, he goes free! The prison warden, doctor and detectives conspire and bury Seed alive. A happy ending? Hell-to-the-no! Seed digs himself free and does away with those responsible.

On paper, the plot sounds familiarly acceptable (echoes of Welcome to Spring Break and Destroyer) but the film is half over by the time the stalk n’ slashing begins and is structured so unconventionally that the story is neo impossible to follow. Character names are unclear, as are their roles for the most part, hell they don’t even tell us when the damn thing is set for ages! The absence of any identifiable hero or final girl doesn’t help matters either.

A scene where Seed hammers an anonymous woman’s head in, shot entirely in one take and lasting several minutes, burrows new depths of ‘torture porn’ but thankfully features a level of CGI I could create with Microsoft Paint. That doesn’t work properly. With no mouse. And no hands.

This is the first Boll film I’ve seen, likely to be the last as well. Technically, there’s some negotiable ability there but a brief scan of the articles the detective reads reveals countless spelling and grammar errors – it’s like nobody even tried. Seed, schmeed, ‘PC game’ (!?) included or not. FAIL!

“All my troubles seemed so far away…”

Yesterday I found some much-needed me-time and settled down with a few films. But in some karmic revelation, my choice of cinema seemed cursed. Cursed to tell me I’d have been better off at work! This is evidently my fault for watching SyFy ‘originals’…

First up was OPEN GRAVES


2 Stars  2009/85m

Director: Álvaro de Arminán / Writers: Bruce A. Taylor & Roderick Taylor / Cast: Mike Vogel, Eliza Dushku, Ethan Rains, Lindsay Caroline Robba, Naike Rivelli, Ander Pardo, Boris Martinez, Alex O’Dogherty, Gary Piquer.

Body Count: 7

There was a trailer hanging around for this at least a year ago. It looked pretty good. It started pretty good with American surfer buddies Jason and Tomas trying to pick up Eliza Dushku, whilst on an extended break in Spain.

They and four others sit down to play a board game called Mamba, which is, of course, cursed. They roll the dice, pick cards, cards have cryptic messages about their fate. They’re out. The eventual winner will be granted whatever he/she most desires… Once the game is over, those who were ‘killed’ start dying for real.

Naturally, the non-Americans all die first: one guy falls over a cliff edge (after sliding down barbed wire – ouch!), lands on the rocks and is immobilised so that the resident crabs scamper over and start eating him. The next guy is chased by ten-dozen Black Mamba snakes and resolves that climbing a stack of logs will save him until he falls back into them.

A model turns old over night and another chick dies in a fiery car crash. It’s all kinds of Final Destination-lite with a fraction of the flair and imagination and it’s down to leads Mike Vogel and Dushku to play the game till the end in order to win it and wish everything un-happened.

Open Graves was tolerable enough but just doesn’t go anywhere… The CGI effects are dreadful and the ending is naff, plus the cheating guy never really gets his just desserts, which is all we’ve been waiting for.

With that done, I turned to the sorta-remake, CHILDREN OF THE CORN, alleging a ‘proper’ screen treatment of Stephen King’s tale.


1 Stars  2009/92m

Director/Writer: Donald P. Borchers / Cast: David Anders, Kandyse McClure, Daniel Newman, Preston Bailey.

Body Count: 8

King apparently disliked the cheesecake 1984 attempt to make his short opus into a horror film. Christ knows what he’d make of this shite.

David Anders and Kandyse McClure are married couple Burt and Vicki, driving through Nebraska in 1975, arguing about everything when they mow down a kid in the road. They end up stranded in the deserted town of Gatlin where the children have slain all the adults in tribute to He Who Walks Behind the Rows, a god living in the corn field.

Unlike the ’84 film, there are no good kids, no flashbacks to the murders and zero sympathy for anyone involved. Anders does alright with Burt but McClure is cast as such an unpleasant bitch that it’s impossible to care at all when she is killed by the army of brats.

Afterwards, Burt runs around the corn for ages (but gets to slay a couple of the corn-sprogs), the kids murmur endlessly about dreams in their stupid, forced accents. Little Preston Bailey – stepson of Dexter - not only drowns in his ridiculously oversized hat but also under the weight of the role of Isaac, apparent preacher of adult-icide. Henchman Malichai is also pretty lame, not a patch on Courtney Gains’ take in the original.

Burt dies too but we don’t see how or know why and the credits roll. I stared open-mouthed questioning why the last 90 minutes existed and there was a two-minute coda after the credits showing some of the kids blah-ing on about the corn some more but still nothing happened.

If King’s story is this boring, it’s no wonder they tried to spruce it up back in the 80’s. All of the straight-to-video sequels are better than this crap. Check out Final Girl for some other reviews on this pinnacle of filmmaking.

I’d class neither of these flicks as slasher films per se, although both shared some turf.

This summarises my Thursday, hereafter referred to as Black Thursday. Actually, I watched Bring It On: Fight to the Finish (with Christina Milian!) as well but that doesn’t really belong here…


mrhalloween1 Stars  2006/18/112m

“Trick or Treat… You’re dead meat.”

Director: Andrew Wolf / Writers: Cody Wolf & Andrew Wolf / Cast: Shannon Eastman, Bill Loomis, Josh Wolf, Justin Loomis, Cody Wolf, Jack Bell, Bryan Briggs.

Body Count: 13

Dire-logue: “Why does everybody in this goddamn town gotta tell me my goddamn job? Got no goddamn respect!”

Teens in the New York township of Sauquoit have a tendency to disappear at an alarming rate around All Hallows Eve. When Jill’s friends Jason and Michael (ha-bloody-ha) vanish, she wonders why. And it takes her a full year to investigate the annual haunted house attraction of local oddball Mr Loomis, whose barn-bodyparts look a tad on the realistic side…

Jill and her replacement friend, Village People member-lite Jack (ha-bloody-ha again), snoop and she ends up getting kidnapped by Loomis, who chains her in the cellar with Michael, who has been there for the last year awaiting a Halloween night execution for the revellers to gorp at. Can they escape? Will anyone help them? Why is this film nearly two hours long?

Another trip into the bargain basement of slasherdom, Mr Halloween is a film full of whys, such as:

  • Why is there a clown on the box when there isn’t one in the film?
  • Why is everyone wearing the same clothes and sporting the same hair styles they had one year before?
  • Why didn’t Michael ‘scrape’ himself free earlier if he manages to do it in ten minutes when Jill asks him to?
  • Why are there only two cops in town and why does the HQ look suspiciously like a local community center?
  • And finally, why are said cops more concerned about the traffic light that’s repeatedly broken by vandals when Sauquoit has “the most missing teenagers in the nation?”

OK, so the budget was like $29.95 and it was clearly just an ensemble of local friends having a laugh… Right? To be fair, the gore jobs aren’t that bad, but when my DVD player informed me that there was nearly two hours to sit through once I’d sussed just how low a budget this was, I considered reaching for a couple of nearby candles to burn my eyes out. The music isn’t too bad either, with synths that reminded me of Hell Night, but Mr Halloween is a film that really shouldn’t have gained international distribution, it’s not bad enough to be funny and outstays its welcome by approximately 111 minutes.

One curious note is that – in spite of some faces on the missing persons’ posters shown – there are no female victims whatsoever, not one. In fact, Jill is the only female character with more than two lines to utter. So that means no tits either, weird eh?

1 6 7 8 9