Tag Archives: I want to die

AX ‘EM

axem0.5 Stars  1992/71m

“It was supposed to be a weekend get-away until the horror began.”

Director/Writer: Michael Mfume / Cast: Michael Mfume, Sandra Pulley, Joe Clair, Racquel Price, Tracy Wiggs, Maria Copper, Kelci Jeter, Greg Jones, Kristine Louisa, Thomas Hunt, Frederick Montgomery, D-Taylor Murphy, Archie Williams.

Body Count: 10 (I think)


Often cited as the worst horror film ever, possibly worst film ever, Ax ‘Em was shot a full ten years before it was finally given a DVD release in 2002. Why this was done is as big a mystery as the events that occur in the film itself. To clue you in to my level, what follows is the title card information at the start – verbatim:

On a cold winter night, in 1990, Mr. Mason, a mean and cruel Towns man, left his job for Home. After arriving home, He took a shotgun And killed his wife and Kids. This is mean man Killed himself. When the police arrived they only Found the bodies of wife, Daughter and younger son. His mentally ill son Harry Was not ever found. Legend has it, he will return In 13 years to revenge his family deaths.

So there you have it, that’s the backstory. It doesn’t seem to matter as whomever the killer is supposed to be, he’s now a middleaged man who grunts a lot. A large group of young African American people go to a house for the weekend. Once there, they eat and find the body of some white guy, then they all run into the forest, some of them run back to the house, some of them die.

It’s futile to try and put into words what watching Ax ‘Em is like. Fortunately, I watched the whole thing on YouTube in 8 segments, all of which presented the film in its grainy, inaudible glory, beginning with some totally unrelated scenes of street dancing and a comic, possibly material that was already on the video cassette supremely untalented director Mfume used to record this film on.

Remembering it is giving me a headache, so here are some funny-slash-unbelievable things that occurred:

  • Three people emerge from a broken down car. The two guys walk off for help leaving the girl. The next scene with the main players indicates it’s the next morning. Then we go back to car people, still inconceivably stuck in the previous night. Later, the girl at the car is given a few seconds on screen, inferring she’s been sat there for nearly two days.
  • A couple find an abandoned car. The guy says; “Hallelujah it’s a car!” Girl comes back with: “Are you sure it’s a car?’ It’s there, in front of them, on wheels. It’s a car, love.
  • This sequence is actually followed by something even more unreal: the girl slaps the guy and he starts saying (repeatedly), “did you just slap me out here in these woods?” finally yelling it loud enough for any prospective psychos to come-a-callin’.
  • The killer gently taps a guy on the face with a phone that somehow both kills and leaves a coil attached to his face.
  • Other people die seemingly from being too near to the killer, they’re then seen lying on the ground.

Oh God, I’m too depressed to go on. Go to the YouTube link if you must, but heed my words. Someone ax me, please!

TO BECOME ONE

tobecomeone

1 Stars  2000/18/88m

“Family reunions are KILLER!”

Director/Writer: Neil Johnson / Cast: Emma Grasso, Jay Gallagher, David Vallon, Spencer Slasberg, James Giddens, Miranda Podleska, Izumi Pennicott, Jade Bilowol, Michelle Milne, Chris Heywood.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “We’re playing this out like some B-grade movie. Five kids locked away in some isolated shack. When the killer finds us he’s gonna pick us off one by one.”


Oh, sweet Lord! If you ever thought nothing called To Become One could be worse than the Spice Girls song 2 Become 1 – think again! OK, so it was reportedly produced for $2,000, so well done filmmakers on getting that far. Positive attributes end here.

A surefire contender for worst of the worst, this Aussie flick changes genres at the centre point from standardized slasher to something that resembles that Halloween Simpsons episode where Bart discovers he has an identical twin.

A year after her mother was chopped in two, Melinda and her klepto friends find themselves being bumped off by a killer wearing a My Bloody Valentine-esque industrial gas-mask. Seven teens – nearly all girls – are murdered in the first half hour, with the remaining few under the illusion that driving out into the country will put them out of harms way. Said folks chat amiably some minutes after watching two friends incinerated by a car bomb. Once everyone who doesn’t matter is gone, the killer unmasks and reveals himself to be Melinda’s twin brother, separated from her at birth and on leave from the loopy asylum he takes her back to for a re-joining operation by a God-deluded doc.

The wheels finally fall off the wagon at this revelation and it becomes one of those girls-must-escape-all-the-gurning-loonies plots and characters thought dead return from the grave for a contemptuously predictable ending. The occasionally slick presentation does little to aid this festering turd of a film and the opening murder, shot in sepia and inter-cut with a small girl staring into space, completely defies explanation!

88 minutes of pain. This is the cinematic equivalent of root canal surgery.

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