Tag Archives: obvious identity of killer

Curse of the geriatric viking-bear thingy

berserker1BERSERKER

1987/18/79m

“It’s too late to run. There’s no time to scream… Just close your eyes and pray to die.”

Director/Writer: Jef Richard / Cast: Joseph Alan Johnson, Greg Dawson, Valerie Sheldon, Rodney Montague, Shannon Engemann, Beth Toussaint, John Goff, George ‘Buck’ Flower.

Body Count: 5

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The video box says that it’s based on “an old Nordic Legend.”¬†Wow… that’s like saying it’s based on an urban legend – you know it means nothing. But given the final product, working the promo for this film couldn’t have been easy…

According to the stock-nerd character, a Berserker is some kind of Viking dude who has a bear mask, eats human flesh and has coincidentally been reincarnated in a descendant to “terrify” a group of “teenagers” who go on a camping trip where an elderly couple were shredded at the start. So far, so The Prey. But somehow even less engaging.

Who is the ancestor likely going to be? Mike, Josh, Kathy, Larry or Pappy Nyquist? I’m going for Josh.

Berserker barely qualifies as a slasher film at all, with a dismal body count and only two of the “teenagers” actually dying – both female, while the complete and utter dickhead guy is spared, as is the nerd, the cry-baby jock and a girl who does or says next to nothing.

Good opportunities to create tension slip right through writer-director Richard’s fingers and the lack of any strong, central heroine loses marks also. 79 minutes never felt so long.

Blurbs-of-interest: Flower turns up here and there in Cheerleader Camp, The Gas Station and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama; Joseph Alan Johnson was not only in the original Slumber Party Massacre but also wrote and starred in Iced! But the true before-they-were-famous star here is Beth Toussaint – and she gets naked!! She supplied the voice of the female caller in Scream 3 and has appeared in numerous soaps and TV shows.

Slashdance

lastdanceLAST DANCE

1992/18/80m

“An erotic thriller featuring the hottest young dancers, but the prize will go to the sole survivor.”

Director: Anthony Markes / Writer: Emerson Bixby / Cast: Cynthia Stanton, Elaine Hendrix, Kurt T. Williams, Kelly Poole, Kimberly Speiss, Allison Rhea, Erica Ringstrom, Marci Brickhouse.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “Was that your mother I ran over in the parking lot? You should teach her not to chase cars.”

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If Angela Lansbury turned up – to visit another of her numerous relatives – Last Dance could easily be mistaken for an episode of Murder She Wrote.

Five sexy female dancers competing for the ironic title of Miss DTV (Dance TV), a launchpad for dancing in music videos and movie roles, whilst being summarily danced off stage forever by a mystery killer, who could be bitter choreographer Meryll, jilted barman Rick or club owner Jim, who is screwing around with most of the girls. Softcore porn inserts aside, this could easily pass for a lower certificate.

As the killer is finally revealed (and it’s not hard to guess who it is), new-girl/heroine Jamie protests her innocence by whining “it’s not fair!” like a seven-year-old having a tantrum but still manages to defeat the killer with a glitter ball of all things until they later return with a Phantom of the Opera facial for another go after Jamie wins the crown, somehow disguising themselves as a busboy, despite gaping scars down their face!

Elaine Hendrix had some moderate success with roles in Romy & Michele and The Parent Trap remake amongst other things. Random, bizarre and so bad you’ll laugh yourself stupid. Stupider. More stupid.

Blurbs-of-interest: Director Markes had already helmed Bikini Island and had also cast Kelly Poole in it. Kimberly Speiss was in Psycho Cop Returns.

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