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Scream if you’ve had enough of these parodies

July 1, 2017 Hud Leave a comment

SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH

2000/15/83m

“It’s a scream!”

Director: John Blanchard / Writers: Sue Bailey & Joe Nelms / Cast: Majandra Delfino, Harley Cross, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Tom Arnold, Danny Strong, Julie Benz, Simon Rex, Aimee Graham, Chris Palermo, Coolio, Shirley Jones.

Body Count: 10

Laughter Lines: “I killed my cousin, my heart’s broken, and my sister’s dead.”

In a race against the Wayans’ Scary Movie (originally titled Scream if You Know What I Did Last Halloween), you could feel a bit sorry for Shriek… as it didn’t make it past the cutting room quick enough and was consigned to a video release, while Scary Movie inexplicably carried on to generate several increasingly cringe-worthy sequels, not to mention Epic Movie, Date Movie, Disaster Movie ad infinitum.

Regardless of whomever got there first, Shriek… is largely a Xerox of its competitor, as we’re thrown into the lives of the exaggerated stereotypes who go to Bulimia High, who did something last summer that they’d rather forget about.

Ergo, much silliness ensues and death abounds – but not at the hands of the killer, which only makes it more annoying. In a (failed) attempt to try and be funny and original, the characters actually die from other things before the nutter has a chance to get them: Bee stings, coronaries, etc.

So there’s no murder count and 88% of the jokes are the same as in Scary Movie. To its credit though, there is an inspired parody of VH1’s old Pop-Up Video during the final chase scenes, and a couple of other almost-laughs along the way, but it all weighs down under the forehead-tappers of fart jokes, erection jokes, gay jokes, and a killer with absolutely no motive, most likely thought up at the last second.

Blurbs-of-interest: Delfino was in RSVP; Simon Rex was in several of the Scary Movie sequels.

Reviews

“Scream 4”

May 17, 2017 Hud Leave a comment

FINAL STAB

2001/18/78m

“Last one alive wins.”

A.k.a. Final Scream; Scream 4

Director/Writer: David DeCoteau / Writer: Matthew Jason Walsh / Cast: Melissa Renee Martin, Jamie Gannon, Erinn Carter, Chris Boyd, Bradley Stryker, Laila Reece Landon, Forrest Cochran, Michael Lutz, Donnie Eichar, Scott Hudson, Brannon Gould, Britt Soderberg.

Body Count: 10

Laughter Lines: “Why don’t you go find a phone, some help at a nearby farmhouse, or a fucking tampon?”

I wrung some enjoyment from this cheapo cash-in that was marketed as Scream 4 in some territories.

Trash director DeCoteau takes on the post-modern slasher trend that has more in common with April Fool’s Day than it does Wes Craven’s films, putting rich college kids in an abandoned mansion with a bloody history.

Kristen (Carter), the self-confessed “Queen bitch of deception” plans on driving her estranged-sister’s unhinged boyfriend off the deep end by staging a murder mystery evening. Expectedly, her plans are hijacked by a real killer – identically dressed, of course – starts to do away with the players one by one.

The usual cliches come thick n’ fast, most repeated the victims assuming the killer is the actor employed by Kristen (who was a Skeet Ulrich-a-like!) and the olde thinking bodies are their buds playing dead.

DeCoteau inserts his signature homoerotic sequences, with one guy parading about in a pair of very small, very tight shorts, and a secret fling between two of the ‘straight’ male characters. Nearly all victims are cute college guys, while the largely empowered female roles are occupied by Kristen, her naive sis Angela, a the shallow, dopey other girl/victim.

Mucho film title dropping and a motive that amounts to “I like horror movies” are where the Scream comparisons start and end, with a few explanations as to the ‘rules’, but ultimately it’s a cheaper, less amusing Cut, but a fun one if you catch it in the right mood.

Blurbs-of-interest: Brannon Gould was in Maniacal; DeCoteau’s other slasher credit is Dreamaniac.

Reviews

It’s special alright

October 27, 2016 Hud Leave a comment

SCREAM – THE T.V. SERIES: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

2015/82m

Cast: Willa Fitzgerald, Bex Taylor-Klaus, John Karna, Carlson Young, Santiago Segura, Alexander Calvert, Amadeus Serafini, Tracy Middenforf, Alex Esola, Zena Gray, Lindsay LaVanchy.

Body Count: 8

A Season 2 add-on for Halloween, the Lakewood 6 – now, I guess, the Lakewood 4, are getting over the latest series of murders. Again.

Immediately after being sentenced to a gazillion years in prison, Keiran Wilcox is slashed to ribbons at the courthouse by another Brandon James-costumed loon.

Meanwhile, Noah and Stavo have found success with a graphic novel about the Lakewood 6 and are being pressured by their publicist to take on a new story. This comes to the fore with the suggestion of a trip to an island where some murders occurred in the 1930s.

Sick of the press attention, Emma agrees to getaway from Lakewood for a while, which also brings Audrey and Brooke along. Yeah, I thought it too: I Still Know What You Did Last ~~Season~~ Summer. And Harper’s Island.

The legend of Anna Hobbs, a girl who stripped naked, donned a bag-mask and slaughtered some folks with a pair of rusty old shears, is rife on the island and the group stay in a mansion while Noah and Stavo do their work.

Of course, before long characters who’ve never appeared before are being skewered and slashed with the shears used in the original killings, stolen from the island museum, and Emma’s getting phone calls again…

Things play out like any cheap slasher film, perhaps a little bloodier than usual, but connections to the events of the series are desperate at best, the killer’s identity so fucking obvious is may as well have been in the opening credits: ‘John Smith as The Guy Who Turns Out to be the Killer.’

Why even Noah doesn’t point out that they shouldn’t all go to a mansion on ‘Murder Island’ together illustrates the contrivances of the plot, let alone characters who continue to venture off alone when they already know there’s a killer after them.

Textbook cliches: It’s about as far removed from Kevin Williamson’s original concept as possible.

Blurb-of-interest: Alexander Calvert was in Lost After Dark; Zena Grey was in Craven’s My Soul to Take.

Reviews

Smallscreen Scream. Again.

August 24, 2016 Hud One comment

SCREAM – THE TV SERIES (SEASON 2)

2016/540m

“Trust nothing.”

Cast: Willa Fitzgerald, Bex Taylor-Klaus, John Karna, Carlson Young, Amadeus Serafini, Tracy Middendorf, Kiana Ledé, Santiago Segura, Anthony Ruivivar, Sean Grandillo, Bryan Batt, Austin Highsmith, Bobby Campo, Tom Maden.

Body Count: 8

Unlike a film sequel, writing up notes to the sophomore season of a TV show pivoting on its mystery means that unavoidable spoilers must follow…

Some months after Piper Shaw revealed herself to be the Lakewood Slasher and was killed by the combined efforts of Emma Duval and Audrey Jensen, the former returns to town after mucho therapy in an episode titled I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Of course, there’s the lingering question of who Piper’s accomplice was? We saw Audrey burning letters from her, Noah is still hellbent on finding out who it is, and fascination with The Lakewood Six (them plus Brooke, Jake, and Kieran) ignites as school begins again, with a handful of new students thrust into the mix to be killed or killer.

Unlike Season 1, rather than beginning with a high profile kill (save for a film-in-a-film gag) we have to wait to the end of the episode before the killer strikes, cutting out one of the survivors permanently (it was Jake – yay!!) and tormenting Audrey with the usual mix of calls, notes, and cryptic clues.

scream tv series

Meanwhile, new teacher Miss Lang expresses an interest in Emma; Keiran’s creepy cousin Eli moves to town, and the new sheriff and his intense son, Stavo, are also settling in. Noah is romantically enchanted by smart girl Zoe, much to Audrey’s annoyance, as she runs around trying to stop herself being exposed.

Jake’s disappearance is neatly covered up by the killer and a few episodes tick by with no murders, endangering the show of sinking into a quicksand of boredom. Efforts are made to try and keep things thrilling, but a stupid scene where Emma – walking home alone at night after all she’s been through! – is accosted by a strange car that cruises after her in a creepy slow fashion, only to turn out to be her Dad watching over her. Then there’s her terminally drippy sub-Dawson’s Creek relationship with Keiran, so devoid of passion it makes Twilight look like Deep Throat.

Eventually, Jake’s murder becomes public knowledge and things shunt into gear. Audrey, unable to spin so many plates any longer, confesses to Noah that she brought Piper to Lakewood as part of her documentary of Brandon James (who conveniently has a brother now), and knew she was Emma’s half-sister. This gets back to Emma eventually, they fall out, suspicion everywhere – but the murders continue.

Season 2 learns lessons from the lagging moments of the first year, culminating in some pretty tense final episodes: Noah is buried alive and the girls, now working as two sides of the final girl conundrum (the pretty popular type and the brooding outsider), do their best to save him – though it becomes more of a Crystal Maze puzzle as the killer leaves clues galore to be solved, punishing them both for killing Piper.

Come the end, with the Lakewood Six severely depleted, the young actors get the chance to flex their craft a little now all of them have been touched by death: Audrey’s girlfriend, Emma’s boyfriend, two girlfriends for Noah!, Brooke’s father…

The killer, when revealed, is the logical choice, with the others walking around with Red Herring stamped on their foreheads, and harks back to the original film in a nostalgic way, as it nears it’s twentieth anniversary.

A pending Halloween double-bill special may be the final world on Smallscreen Scream, as there’s little direction to go in from here on – though the Brandon James mystery is wheeled out for more is-it-isn’t-it hysteria, and new secrets are being dreamt up at every turn, but perhaps it’s time for Lakewood to have some peace and move the action somewhere else?

Marginally better than the first season, thanks in large part to upscaled production unities, more confident performances from the cast, and getting shot of Jake nice n’ early. And unlike its nearest competitor, the DOA Scream Queens, at least the main cast aren’t immune to being trimmed where necessary. Take note, Ryan Murphy, a slasher opus requires some actual slashing.

Blurb-of-interest: Austin Highsmith was in Room 33.

Reviews

Stock Background Characters 101: The Snooping Reporter

April 7, 2016 Hud One comment

In this feature, we examine the lesser beings of the slasher movie realm, which, if you’re making your own slasher film, could provide a good cast roster for you.

No killer or final girl profiles here, this is a celebration of those underlings who made the most of their fleeting flirtation with stardom. And usually died.

Keep a few bills handy, you’re THE SNOOPING REPORTER

Overview: Murder makes the news. Multiple murders bring the press like bloodhounds and there’s always one reporter trying to get the scoop, even if it means he/she risks endangering themselves to get it!

Linguistic Snapshot: “Can you confirm or deny that the killer’s still out there and that you have the wrong man after last night’s triple-murder at the old mill?”

Styling: In the slasher realm, Snooping Reporters are more often female than not, so power suits and great hair are usually par for the course.

Hallmarks: Pushy and unrelenting, The Snooping Reporter has but one goal: The scoop. It doesn’t matter how many locals might die, in fact the higher the bodycount the better the story. They will stop at nothing to get their exclusive.

Downfall: The Snooping Reporter sometimes dies, sometimes doesn’t, and they can either be an aide or a hindrance to the final girl. Gale Weathers, doubtlessly top of the horror movie reporter tree, is a caustic, self-centered hack who is eventually instrumental in unmasking and reprimanding the killers in Scream and all of its sequels. In Pieces, the nosy journalist is savagely stabbed to, well pieces, on a waterbed; the feminist critic in Tenebrae also meets a bloody end; TV anchor Robert Campbell (below) makes the error of visiting the old Voorhees house and becoming possessed by Jason himself; student reporter Timmy has his throat cut and is shoved into a locker in Cherry Falls.

Genesis: Lauren Tewes is a TV newswoman who thinks a killer of women lives in the building next door in Eyes of a Stranger in 1980. Next there’s a brief proto-Gale Weathers character in Halloween II, who utters the awesome line “You need their parents permission to make a statement, if you can’t find their parents, get a statement anyway.” She might be the earliest incarnation of an uncaring, career-focused reporter, but is only in the film for a matter of seconds (apparently she is killed in the novelization).

The doomed journo in Pieces came next, and then Tracy, a brash, trenchcoat wearing reporter who is sure Norman Bates is still killing in Psycho III, ultimately becoming the de facto heroine. By the 90s, Barry Simms fatally decides to broadcast from the Myers house in Halloween 6.

Legacy: Courteney Cox’s portrayal of Gale Weathers in Scream is unquestionably the most significant influence on such characters. In her wake, we had Kate Winsail (!) in Australian Scream knock-off Paranoid, Paul the object of lust for many a girl at Pendleton University in Urban Legend; Taylor Gentry in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, who unwittingly stumbles into final girl territory. Reporters also turned up in the various Scream parodies.

Gale Weathers and one of her many clones.

Films like Nightcrawler showcase just how far the media might go for the juiciest story, so for the time being it’s likely that slasher films will continue to feature reporters sticking their oars in, probably dooming various local teenagers in the process. To quote the audience member at the press conference in Scream 3: “Are you saying we should go out and cut each others throats because that’s what you did?”

Gale’s response: “Metaphorically? Yes.”

Brutal.

Stock Background Characters 101

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