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The 100 Worst Slasher Films: #100-81

Following the almighty undertaking that was The 100 Greatest Slasher Films, a few people asked if there would be a list of the 100 Worst films.

I was reluctant to do this for a couple of reasons. Mainly, no matter how awful any film, somebody somewhere has put their all into it, and seeing it declared the worst thing ever wouldn’t be nice for them to read. That said, if I’ve already reviewed it and given in one star, what’s the difference, right?

Also, deciding if Drive-In Massacre is worse than Ax ‘Em is no easy task either. One film can be well made but exponentially boring, whereas the cheapest Nokia-filmed crap can at least be fun to revel in.

So, I decided to go about it differently, and take all the films I’ve seen, cross-reference them with their IMDb ratings and present the 100 Worst films according to the great unwashed.

As we will see, some things in life are unfair, while others are just destined… Hold on.

100. Fatal Pulse (1988)

IMDb rating: 3.4 out of 10
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Sorority bimbos are being stalked by a shadowy psycho, who has the ability to cut throats with vinyl records! Bra’s are commonly slashed open first, of course. And nobody thinks to move out of the fucking house when the girl in the next room was murdered the previous night! Pure shite.

99. Blood Cult (1985)

IMDb rating: 3.4
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

BloodCult1Sorority bimbos are being stalked by a shadowy psycho – are we seeing a theme already!? Blood Cult is one of several films that claimed to be the first made-for-video-on-purpose. Like, who cares? It’s still total crap no matter the intentions. If you’d made a decent film, boast away… Severed fingers in a salad bowl is the ‘high’ point.

98. Small Town Folk (2007)

IMDb rating: 3.4
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

1.5 actually seems generous from my memory of this wretched British production. A 3-minute cameo by Leprechaun Warwick Davis cannot rescue the other 84 minutes, which is comprised of some of the most nauseating “FX” work I’ve ever seen.

97. Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2012)

IMDb rating: 3.4
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

ag1aWayward teens on one of those back-to-nature punishment weekends meander into the territory of an axe-toting giant who, uh, axes them. A SyFy-esque production, death by horrendous CGI effects is to blame. But the film does start off okay, with a few laughs to be had before the killing even begins.

96. Study Hell (2004)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

A strange Canadian slasher take on The Breakfast Club, with five archetypes on Saturday detention tormented by their PTSD-suffering teacher, who decides to kill them all. Cheap production qualities from the same home as Dark Fields, which we will see a little later.

95. StagKnight (2007)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 3 Stars

stagknight2The first one to mourn the inclusion of, StagKnight pits a group of bachelor party guys against a resurrected Templar Knight during paintball in the British countryside. Anglo-humour probably sinks this for international audiences. With a bigger budget this could have been on par with Shaun of the Dead. Boo you, IMDb voters!

94. Slaughtered (2009)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

From Britain we go down under to Australia for #94, where a pub lock-in locks in a group of patrons with a psycho killer. With a budget likely no more than a round of beers and a script scribbled on the back of a beer mat, Slaughtered has very little to entice, but could be okay if you made a drinking game out of it…

93. Scar (2005)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

A film so boring I can remember nothing about it beyond Dee Wallace Stone being in it. Notes tell me it’s about the ghost of a rape victim who appears and axes horny woodsmen, while two teens look for clues about the death of their friend a year earlier. I’m also reminded of how bored I was at the time i might just fall asleep at the keybocsrsthajlgvma

92. The Prey (1980)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

prey1Our first loss from the golden era, this basic campers-in-peril flick has the guy who played Lurch in The Addams Family offing the usual bunch of over-aged teens during a hike into the woods. I didn’t find it so bad, but then I never watched it again either…

91. The Jackhammer Massacre (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Bloke does drugs, bloke goes mad, bloke attacks various people with a jackhammer. Bloke is conveniently named Jack.

90. Heebie Jeebies (2004)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Not to be confused with Jeepers Creepers, this is actually an anthology with a slasher opus built around it to join up each story. A girl who can dream the future has bad premonitions about her highschool friends so does the only logical thing – invites them to a shoddy old house in the middle of nowhere. Groan.

89. Hayride (2012)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

HAY1An average effort about an Alabama Halloween Haunted Hayride attraction crashed by an escaped lunatic who stabs his way through the actors on the big night. Low-end production values aren’t great, but there’s far worse around that this doesn’t really deserve to be in the 100 Worst.

88. Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 3 Stars

Another one not deserving of its place here, in spite of production problems throughout its shoot, the first half of Samhain carries pleasant echoes of Friday the 13th-era shenanigans, but begins to fall to pieces once the meat of the story, concerning Descent-like creatures eating tourists in Ireland, is underway. It’s also decked out with big name porno actors.

87. Dark Walker (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Another Halloween attraction becomes a slaughterhouse when it’s built atop a patch of cursed ground. Like many other bad decisions, the teens employed to work at the place refuse to leave after several murders, citing that they need the cash, evidently more than they need their own head.

86. Cut (2010)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

cut1aAs the likes of Blood Cult pride themselves on being the first made-for-video film, Cut is proud to be the first film shot entirely in one continuous take. Trivia informs us it took 36 takes to get it right, which, when you think about it would be super annoying if someone screwed up at the last second… Anyway, people in a house are tormented by clown-faced loons and Gremlins‘ Zach Galligan is in it.

85. A Crack in the Floor (2001)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2 Stars

Three teen couples go camping in the wrong part of the woods and disturb a Jason-like hermit who lives beneath the floor of a cabin. Playing like a tribute to Friday the 13th Part III in particular, it’s innocuous stuff with that muscle guy from Saved By the Bell and Gary Busey as a deranged- Gary Busey playing himself.

84. The Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 2.5 Stars

Posing at Slumber Party Massacre IV and directed by Jim Wynorski, this features genre-fixture Brinke Stevens as the grown-up victim from the 1982 film, apparently not dead after all, and a group of cheerleaders who take shelter from a snowstorm at a cabin… By now I’m sure y’all can guess the rest.

83. Blood Reaper (2004)

IMDb rating: 3.3
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

It’s Brinke again! Though even she looks bored in this seen-it-all-before tale of campers going where they shouldn’t. 80 minutes of people meandering slowly through trees and little else. Points almost awarded for electing the plus-size girl as the final girl, but then they go and ruin that too.

82. Silent Bloodnight (2006)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1.5 Stars

silent3aIn bad-movie terms, Silent Bloodnight is a goldmine of laughter. An Austrian film where the actors (attempt to) speak English opens things up to some hilarious dialogue: “Something unexplained has happened!” wails the frightened heroine at one point. The laidback European approach means there’s full frontal nudity for BOTH genders.

81. Shadows Run Black (1981)

IMDb rating: 3.2
VeVo rating: 1 Stars

Kevin Costner’s secret shame. He only has a small red herring role in this piss poor Halloween wannabe that features a ski-masked killer doing in naked chicks who’ve dared to dabble in drugs. Misogynistic garbage. Costner’s name is suspiciously absent from the credits, which appear to be real-time typed as the credits roll.

Quite a long review of Freddy vs Jason

fvjdvdFREDDY VS JASON

3 Stars  2003/18/93m

“Even a killer has something to fear.”

Director: Ronny Yu / Writers: David S. Goyer, Damian Shannon & Mark Swift / Cast: Robert Englund, Monica Keena, Kelly Rowland, Jason Ritter, Ken Kirzinger, Christopher George Marquette, Brendan Fletcher, Lochlyn Munro, Katharine Isabelle, Kyle Labine, David Kopp, Jesse Hutch, Paula Shaw, Tom Butler.

Body Count: at least 24

Laughter Lines: “I’ve got some good advice for you. Coffee. Make friends with it.”


I’m just gonna say it: Jason came first, his name should be first. New Line, Schmyoo Line.

The concept of Freddy Krueger facing off against Jason Voorhees was every fanboy’s dream back in the 80s when it was first pitched. Though I always considered Jason vs Michael Myers as a more viable outing, as both exist in the ‘real’ world.

Back in 1988 when the concept was first suggested, squabbles between Schmyoo Line and Paramount knocked it on the head and, instead, Jason was pit against a telekinetic teenager in the seventh Friday, The New Blood, to ever-profitable but diminishing box office receipts, while Freddy hit his peak offing the remaining Elm Street kids in the then-ridiculously-successful fourth Elm Street outing, The Dream Child.

fvj-freddyAs the decade ended and people got bored of the same-old-same-old, Schmyoo Line purchased the rights to the Jason franchise and everybody supposed this would be the time the two would finally meet. But like a romance doomed to fail, it was still not meant to be, and, instead, Schmyoo Line ended both series in 1991 and 93 respectively, although Jason Goes to Hell was polished off with the coda of a razor-fingered glove dragging the hockey mask into the earth, suggesting anything was still possible.

In the 90s, when Freddy’s sire Wes Craven re-invented the slasher wheel with Scream, the idea was floated again. Although Michael Myers was rejuvenated along self-referential lines in 1998, audiences seemed to be more into earth-bound concepts of regular people going nuts and killing a bunch of folk, as witnessed by the you-upset-me motives across the Scream / I Know What You Did Last Summer / Urban Legend spectrum of loons. No room for dream demons and unkillable mama’s boys.

fvj-cornfield-stonersOnce again, the genre petered out thanks to the olde logjam effect, including the ill-conceived and ill-received attempt to put Jason is space for his tenth venture (eighth, if we’re going to be pedantic), which opened in 2002. However, something good clearly had come from all this (if anyone knows what it was, please write me), because in 2003 the fifteen-year-old idea only went into motherfucking production!

How? We squawked, how will Freddy and Jason exist in the same realm? From the gazillions of spec-scripts ranging from a cult that worships Jason to characters like Tommy Jarvis and Alice Johnson returning, the eventual choice was an impressively simple proposition…

fvj-freddy-markPeter Jackson – that Peter Jackson – offered up a script for 1991’s Freddy’s Dead in which the disempowered Krueger wasn’t scary enough to haunt anybody’s dreams and so teens sought him out in their slumber to kick his ass. Part of the concept held up; in FvJ Freddy has indeed been successfully banished by the residents of Springwood thanks to a concoction of Hypnocil-doping the teen population and never mentioning his name, so no fear can spread = no bad dreams = no deaths.

Irked by this resolution, Freddy engineers a plan of his own and, posing as Mrs Voorhees, resurrects the undead Jason, sending him off to Springwood to cause a bit of mayhem that will, he hopes, instil a near fear into the teen populace that will allow him to return and slash anew.

fvj-2picsThis all goes well until Jason continues killing anybody and everybody, and Freddy realises he needs to be removed from the picture. Caught in the middle of the mess is the usual group of mostly-doomed teens: Doe-eyed Lori, who lives at 1428 Elm Street, her BFF Kia (Rowland, of RnB shriekers Destiny’s Child), Lori’s until-recently institutionalized beau Will, and a few others who matter less, although special mention should go to their drug n’ booze loving friend, Gibb (Isabelle, fresh out of Ginger Snaps).

Freddy manipulates his way into destroying the town’s stockpile of Hypnocil that the kids make a bid for, and tranqs Jason in order to penetrate his dreams. The teens take Jason’s zonked body off to Camp Crystal Lake in the hope of bringing Freddy across to the real world (the same way Nancy did in the original that nobody thought of in any of the sequels) where they will hopefully occupy each other and leave Springwood alone.

fvj-trey-markThe final third of the films descends into WWE anarchy, with the two going at each other for what seems like an eternity of machete slashes, razor stabs, impalings, limb-removal, and even decapitation. It’s liberally bloody, increasingly wearisome, and 100% stupid.

While the film wisely adopts to parody itself before anyone else can, thanks largely to Ronny Yu’s direction after his mini-miracle with Bride of Chucky, it’s dumb even by slasher movie standards: Dialogue is persistently overwrought to explain what we can see occurring on screen as if the audience is going to be too mentally challenged to comprehend for themselves…

fvj-girls

Not quite Laurie, Annie, and Lynda, but the FvJ girls are appealing leads

Example: The first teen to encounter Freddy in a dream gets away unscathed and has to utter the lines “I’m alright! I’m OK!” followed by Freddy saying “Not strong enough yet…” Yeah. We kinda realised that. Later, the depleting teen posse look up Hypnocil online to see what it does. The screen we’re shown says ‘Suppress your dreams’ in big letters, yet the character reading from the screen mentions this last, after a load of inconsequential gobbledegook, despite the fact it’s written in huge font in front of everyone!

IQ-assumptions notwithstanding, the film works best before the two face off. Although Freddy only succeeds in slashing one victim for the whole movie, the dream sequences are good, as are the early murders dealt out by Jason, and the Scooby Doo meeting (and van!) the teens use was amusing. There are countless nods to earlier films in both series (something Halloween completely opted out of), with Westin Hills Psych Hospital back after the Dream Warriors, young Jason is seen with a sack put over his head by nasty campers, although Camp Crystal Lake seen as an untouched 50s relic was strange considering all of the films were set from 1979 onwards.

fvj-dockUltimately entertaining and operating as promised, not to mention phenomenally successful, outperforming all previous installments in both franchises combined. What Freddy vs Jason lacks in subtlety and scares (virtually everything), it makes up for in enthusiasm and loyalty to both sets of earlier films, wherever possible.

Blurbs-of-interest: Robert Englund’s other slasher flicks include Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, Heartstopper, Hatchet, The Phantom of the Opera, and Urban Legend; Katharine Isabelle was in Bones and See No Evil 2; Jesse Hutch was also in The Tooth Fairy; Ken Kirzinger was a stuntman in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, and acted in Wrong Turn 2, and Stan Helsing (as the Jason rip-off, ‘Mason’); Lochlyn Munro was also in The Tooth Fairy, Scary Movie, and Hack! (with Kane Hodder).

To Sir With Love. And Murder.

tp1TEACHER’S PET

2 Stars  2000/18/89m

A.k.a. Devil in the Flesh 2

“She’s not your average student.”

Director: Marcus Spiegel / Writer: Richard Brandes / Cast: Jodi Lyn O’Keefe, Jsu Garcia, Katherine Kendall, Jeanette Brox, Bill Gratton, Todd Robert Anderson, Christiana Frank, Sarah Lancaster.

Body Count: 6


While it may shock some to comprehend how Rose McGowan girl-stalker-slasher flick Devil in the Flesh did enough to spawn its own sequel, accept now that Rose has morphed into Jodi Lyn O’Keefe as Debbie Strang, the older-man-loving bunny boiler in what’s essentially Debbie Does College.

While McGowan was off being Mrs Marilyn Manson and thus skipped the sequel, Jodi instead becomes the syringe and hairdryer-toting schizo who begins by escaping your garden variety low-security sanitarium to kill and replace Sarah Lancaster’s college-bound rich kid and takes a creative writing course led by sub-Clooney tutor Garcia (known to us as Rod from A Nightmare on Elm Street).

Problems arise when her temper gets the better of her and she kills a few extras until she is eventually found out and the slapdash finale that recycles the ending of both the first film and also Urban Legend, before staple-gunning an unexceptional twist on to it.

As the first round, the film cannot seem to decide if it wants to be an all-out dead teenager affair or a sultry thriller, so things end up back in T&A county with only a handful of interesting elements: Brox is good as O’Keefe’s nerdy roommate Laney (ironically the name of the school dork who dated O’Keefe’s character’s boyfriend in She’s All That), who is set up as the possible heroine, but replaced by the far less interesting Kendall.

If you can look past these sorts of TV-movie irks, Teacher’s Pet is entertaining enough straight-to-video fodder.

Blurbs-of-interest: O’Keefe was Sara in Halloween H20; Sarah Lancaster was in Lovers Lane; Jsu Garcia previously acted as Nick Corri for his Elm Street role.

Enthusiasm Wasteland

angela-graf-2

Sleepaway-Camp-IIIa

SLEEPAWAY CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND

3 Stars  1989/18/76m

“She’s back to slash last year’s record.”

A.k.a. Nightmare Vacation III

Director: Michael A. Simpson / Writer: Fritz Gordon / Cast: Pamela Springsteen, Tracy Griffith, Cliff Brand, Mark Oliver, Michael J. Pollard, Sandra Dorsey, Haynes Brooke, Kim Wall, Daryl Wilcher, Kyle Holman, Jill Terashita, Kashina Kessler, Randi Layne, Chung Yen Tsay, Jarrett Beal, Sonya Maddox, Stacie Lambert.

Body Count: 16

Laughter Lines: “Seems like every time I go to camp, somebody loses their head.”


Shot back-to-back with Unhappy Campers and then released a year after, there’s a distinct change in tone, even from the same six-week filming window, as if everyone was so tired they’d started to give up caring and just wanted to be sent home.

One year after her massacre at Camp Rolling Hills, puritanical transsexual (surely a paradox!?) summer camp enthusiast Angela Baker kills and replaces a girl headed to Camp New Horizons, an ‘experiment in sharing’, which puts six inner city kids with six suburbanites – all at the same campsite.

Naturally, before long these stereotypes begin getting on Angela’s wick and she resolves to ‘weed out the bad’ once again. This time around, there’s a nasty racist girl, gang members, a vandal, a bondage-loving wannabe politician, plus the usual parade of girls willing to take their tops off on film – one of whom we are supposed to believe is interested in having it away with Michael J. Pollard’s camp leader. Weirdaway Camp.

sc3-2

The spanner in Angela’s plan is the cop father of one of her earlier victims has stepped up as counsellor. Split into three groups, Angela rapidly does away with her comrades before moving on to the next team, claiming she’s been asked to trade places with somebody else.

While Springsteen is her usual appealing self (albeit with a sorrowful blow-out), it looks as if Unhappy Campers took the lion’s share of the budget, and FX work this time has borne the brunt of the cutbacks: Several victims are killed with a stick, and large parts of the grislier murders were either cut or occurred off camera, leaving the film barren of its predecessor’s gory humour.

Melanie Griffith’s sister Tracy plays the nominal final girl, but even she has little to do. In a film the same length as the last one with as many characters, there’s precious little time on screen for a lot of them, this time all named after The Brady Bunch kids (if you’re rich) or West Side Story (if you’re poor). Jill Terashita stands out as wasted-too-soon goth Arab.

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Entertaining at its best, shitty and badly acted at its worst, at 76 minutes (PAL) at least it’s short.

Blurb-of-interest: Pollard was also in American Gothic.

Title Recall: Like it like that

Lazy post, I know, but I have vary limited access to my film collection – and my laptop gets too hot to plough through the DVDs I did bring with me.

Not much profound to say except that I like these ones.

hod-title

A.K.A. House of Death, I like the little sound-wave thingy that spikes as some doomed girl shrieks her last.

fe2

Simple and straightforward, much like Final Exam itself.

ht1

Quite why it was renamed so grandiosely for the UK I do not know…

hn2The almost-frat comedy undertones of Hell Night (and Hellego Night) are evident in the way the wavy font shimmers on to the screen as we pan across a raucous campus party.

prom2aAbout the best moment in this soggy sequel – I love titles where the suffix and prefix are switched, and diggin’ those fonts, Hamilton High!

sndn1aWay to ruin Christmas! Even if it wasn’t crashed by an axe wielding psycho, odds are there’d be some huge family row instead [Review].

spm1aI just like the fontage here [Review].

someguy2So much happiness and colour! How could it possibly go wrong? The slight ‘forced enjoyment’ here is indicative of themes in the movie, which is pretty damn good [Review].

tt2The drama! The orchestral crescendo! The beautiful train! OK, a little overwrought for a slasher film, but one so high up the rankings deserves nothing less [Review].

tcm03aPart of why I enjoy this yet-to-be-reviewed remake more than most is that they tried to be scary, rather than just hoping what they threw at the wall would stick. It’s mostly successful. This works.

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