Tag Archives: slasher



1.5 Stars  2006/18/86m

“In 1982, Christopher Vale was sent away after his family was brutally murdered. 10 years later, on Halloween night, he returned.”

Director: Mark Atkins / Writers: Michael Gingold & David Michael Latt / Cast: Derek Osedach, Rebekah Kochan, Scot Nery, Sean Durrie, Alicia Klein, Erica Roby, Amanda Ward, Jared Michaels, Amelia Jackson-Gray, Nick Daly Clark, Michael Schatz.

Body Count: 18

If you’re not familiar with chintzy, low-bud production house The Asylum, then they’re the company who work a fast-paced assembly line approach to filmmaking, offering cheapo alternatives to then-present blockbusters, such as The Day the Earth Stopped, Snakes on a Train and recently Monster Shark vs. Giant Octopus! Although what that final one was made in response to is anyone’s guess. Each made-for-DVD film is garnished with overly-familiar artwork in an attempt to trick dim-witted browsers into selecting the wrong film. They also spun out Hillside Cannibals and When a Killer Calls in recent years.

So, Halloween Night then? Timed to coincide with Rob Zombie’s remake of a certain classic slasher flick, the UK box art for this one even featured a strikingly similar font for its title! Anyway, they duly knocked out this rubbish, a film which can’t even get its own story straight. According to both the box and the title cards, the film is “based on a true story” – yawn. Is it though? It is really? It’s certainly based on someone else’s hard work.

What ‘true’ tale this may be remains unresolved by the end, though it’s unlike anything that was front-lined in this seen-it-all-before-and-a-thousand-times-better effort, which sees an escaped mental patient crashing the Halloween party of uber-jerk David and friends. According to the tagline, this occurs in 1992, yet all the characters have cell phones and digital cameras.

Events unfold in a predictably boring style with the killer stealing an early victim’s costume so everybody unquestionably assumes he’s their buddy until he impales them on something. A brief subplot concerning a prank gone wrong fills the midsection and gives the cops an excuse to break up the party and send most of the mob packing, leaving only a handful of morons behind to bolster the body count. What’s becoming a worrying trend in skid row-budget flicks is the totally extraneous lesbian love scene, present and accounted for along with a ‘here we go again’ ending.

Acting wise, the leads go for a naturalistic approach, although David is such an asshole that it’s difficult to concentrate on any positive attributes he might have. Might. The sad fact for all those involved though is that the film exists only to try and fool people into thinking it’s something it blatantly isn’t.

Blurb-of-interest: both leads Osedach and Kochan were in When a Killer Calls as well.


silentbloodnight1.5 Stars  2006/18/84m

“The terror is everywhere!”

Directors/Writers: Stefan Peczelf & Elmar Weihsmann / Cast: Vanessa Vee, Mike Vega, Robert Cleaner, Alexander E. Fennon, Markus Schlotti, Andrea Stotter, Christine Dune, Christina Conti, Andy Freund, Julia Melchor.

Body Count: 13

Dire-logue: “Daddy, the waitress was allergic to bee stings. Why did all the bees sting at the same spot?”

There are times when things aren’t quite real to me, like the time I ate Space Cake in Amsterdam and my brain seemed to be firing so fast I thought it would short out and explode, then I was convinced I’d be run over by a tram. Bad times.

Self-induced trips aside, when watching Silent Bloodnight earlier today, I was struck by a sort of whatthefuckishappening vibe as the events of this supremely weird Austrian export unfolded before my eyes, which is quite possibly the weirdest film I’ve seen in recent memory, and said recent memory includes both Mr Halloween and Ax ‘Em.

The film begins with a girl wandering aimlessly down the middle of a road in the dark, chanting the lyrics to Mockingbird. She hears some splashing and spies on three guys and a girl skinny dipping in the lake and sits there nibbling the corner of a chocolate bar. Skinny dippers emerge from the water and we see something you don’t oft get in slasher flicks: FULL FRONTAL MALE NUDITY!

silent1The girl then finds two naked people having sex and is approached by two clothed guys (possibly the skinny dippers but who knows what’s going on in this film?) She offers them chocolate. Another couple drive up and begin having sex in their car. A different girl goes to the bathroom and finds blood. Whose? Dunno. Her boyfriend staggers in and is then killed with a spade by a dungaree wearing farmer type.

Back in the sex-car, the girl – Sabrina – sees a terrified girl at the window but doesn’t stop the sex for now. When she chooses to, her boyfriend Matt thinks her screams are climactic and continues humping her. The terrified girl hides in some reeds but spade-farmer comes and kills her. Another guy called Jacob appears and asks Sabrina and Matt – done with sex-car – if they’ve seen a girl called Nina. No. He goes to the lake and cries “nooooooo” for some reason.

The mysterious transvestite-eiderdown killer!

The mysterious transvestite-eiderdown killer!

Sabrina, we learn, is the local news anchor who presents her show in only a bikini. There’s some blah about a discovered piece of jewelry and Sabrina wants to investigate the girl-at-the-window but nobody else cares, including her cop dad. Some more teens turn up to stay at a house or help open a boy scout camp (I couldn’t work it out) and a couple of them die by spade when they go off somewhere. Meanwhile, after being attacked by a clodding transvestite, Sabrina investigates Jacob’s sister Nina, who has escaped from an institution and she and Jacob discuss it over the world’s biggest jug of OJ.


Jacob confided in Sabrina the truth about his Vitiman C deficiency.

The killer eventually comes to the house where the teens are staying a kills some of them, including another frontally nude guy, whose frontally nude girl ran down the hall straight into a knife… Sabrina’s dad appears to save the day and we learn something to do with Nina being raped and dying somehow. In a handy flashback, mid-rape, one of the guys just says she’s dead and leaves… How did she die? Chocolate intolerance? What? Help! To make matters worse weirder, the killer appears almost straight away at the scene and spins with his spade in hand as if competing for Gold at The Hammer in the Olympics and takes the guy’s head off!

silent3Silent Bloodnight makes little sense and two of the girls look exactly the same so I had no idea who I was dealing with at any one time. Also, the film stock may well have been left out in the rain for a fortnight as it’s so damn blurry, giving it an early 80’s look akin to trash like Satan’s Blade or Honeymoon Horror. It’s actually better than those films though, mainly because the Austrian cast all talk in English. Better than subtitles? Well…yes and no. I respect anyone who can master a language as we English-speaking natives are just too damn lazy to most of the time, but both pronunciation and choice of adjectives constantly had me smirking as Sabrina would try and make points during her terror: “something unexplained has happened!” she caws. Elsewhere, a cop assigned to protect her suggests she order a pizza, to which she responds: “what a mouth! I will complain about you!”

Bless them for trying but I had little to no idea what was happening, who most of the cast were, what they were doing there and why dungaree-farmer killed most of them. Or who the tranny-killer was. Or what became of dungaree-farmer at the end.

If you like tons of mixed-gender nudity, incomprehensible plotting, incidental stingers that sound like you’re receiving a text message, translations assumedly advised by Google and slightly blurry visuals then Silent Bloodnight is for you and nobody else. Stick it in the box under your bed with your porn, it’ll be happy there.


noonecanhearyou2.5 Stars  2000/15/95m

“True love never dies…”

Director: John Laing / Writers: Ian Coughlan, John Laing & Craige Cronin / Cast: Kelly McGillis, Kate Elliott, Emily Barclay, Tom Huntington, Kieren Hutchison, Barry Corbin, Daniel Gillies, Craig Parker, Jaime Passier-Armstrong, Joanna Morrison.

Body Count: 10

A killer is carving up families in the small town of Riverhead. It appears the perp is after the gal-pals of high schooler Lisa, whose mum Trish (Kelly) is a local radio journo and trusted media outlet of the bumbling police force. Suspects include teenage hormone bomb Dirk, the aggressively sexual boyfriend of the victims so far and also a hitchhiking visitor to town, who repeatedly tries to contact Kelly and her daughters to ‘give her a present’.

There’s not much to this after-school-special-type export from New Zealand, which masquerades as an American production with a bit of stab and drip added towards the finale, which sees several possible culprits and Kelly’s sprogs hauled up in their remote home during a thunderstorm while mum’s remedial driving skills mean she might not be home in time to stop the carnage.

Points are deducted for showing a picture of the killer on the DVD box (differing to the one above), even if his identity is pretty damn obvious from the first time he appears on screen, but otherwise No One Can Hear You is an inoffensive shelf-filler that few people will ever see. Kelly deserves a better showcase than this.

Blurb-of-interest: Daniel Gillies was later in Evil Remains.


mrhalloween1 Stars  2006/18/112m

“Trick or Treat… You’re dead meat.”

Director: Andrew Wolf / Writers: Cody Wolf & Andrew Wolf / Cast: Shannon Eastman, Bill Loomis, Josh Wolf, Justin Loomis, Cody Wolf, Jack Bell, Bryan Briggs.

Body Count: 13

Dire-logue: “Why does everybody in this goddamn town gotta tell me my goddamn job? Got no goddamn respect!”

Teens in the New York township of Sauquoit have a tendency to disappear at an alarming rate around All Hallows Eve. When Jill’s friends Jason and Michael (ha-bloody-ha) vanish, she wonders why. And it takes her a full year to investigate the annual haunted house attraction of local oddball Mr Loomis, whose barn-bodyparts look a tad on the realistic side…

Jill and her replacement friend, Village People member-lite Jack (ha-bloody-ha again), snoop and she ends up getting kidnapped by Loomis, who chains her in the cellar with Michael, who has been there for the last year awaiting a Halloween night execution for the revellers to gorp at. Can they escape? Will anyone help them? Why is this film nearly two hours long?

Another trip into the bargain basement of slasherdom, Mr Halloween is a film full of whys, such as:

  • Why is there a clown on the box when there isn’t one in the film?
  • Why is everyone wearing the same clothes and sporting the same hair styles they had one year before?
  • Why didn’t Michael ‘scrape’ himself free earlier if he manages to do it in ten minutes when Jill asks him to?
  • Why are there only two cops in town and why does the HQ look suspiciously like a local community center?
  • And finally, why are said cops more concerned about the traffic light that’s repeatedly broken by vandals when Sauquoit has “the most missing teenagers in the nation?”

OK, so the budget was like $29.95 and it was clearly just an ensemble of local friends having a laugh… Right? To be fair, the gore jobs aren’t that bad, but when my DVD player informed me that there was nearly two hours to sit through once I’d sussed just how low a budget this was, I considered reaching for a couple of nearby candles to burn my eyes out. The music isn’t too bad either, with synths that reminded me of Hell Night, but Mr Halloween is a film that really shouldn’t have gained international distribution, it’s not bad enough to be funny and outstays its welcome by approximately 111 minutes.

One curious note is that – in spite of some faces on the missing persons’ posters shown – there are no female victims whatsoever, not one. In fact, Jill is the only female character with more than two lines to utter. So that means no tits either, weird eh?

Balboa vs. The Bad Man


2 Stars  2001/18/92m

“Survival is a killer.”

A.k.a. Eye See You; The Outpost

Director: Jim Gillespie / Writers: Howard Swindle & Ron L. Brinkerhoff / Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Charles S. Dutton, Polly Walker, Kris Kristofferson, Christopher Fulford, Robert Patrick, Jeffrey Wright, Tom Berenger, Stephen Lang, Angela Alvardo Rosa, Courtney B. Vance, Robert Prosky, Sean Patrick Flanery, Dina Meyer.

Body Count: 13

Based on writer Swindle’s book Jitter Joint, D-Tox was shot in 1999 and then denied a release until the beginning of 2002, when it briefly appeared in a few choice locations. Seemingly a vehicle to relaunch the waning career of its star, there’s little that aids the cause.

Sly is Jake Malloy, a fed chasing a cop-killing maniac who also does away with girlfriend Meyer and evades capture yet again. Unable to cope with his loss, he is admitted to a remote Wyoming once-asylum-now-rehab-clinic for traumatised cops, which is run by ex-officer Kristofferson. Shortly after Malloy’s arrival, the “suicides” begin. Of course, the genre congnoscenti knows better and the cast eventually catch on and realise the cop-killer is among them. But which of the many characters is he?

While the identity of the loon isn’t glaringly obvious, the outcome is totally unimaginative and anti-climactic, indicative of the whole Hollywood ‘villains can’t be Americans’ issue.

d-tox 2001 sylvester stallone

Violence is toned down to an almost PG-level – the powerdrill in the eye murder sounds more interesting than it is – and most of the characters run around wearing thick winter Parkas reminiscent of those first seen in Urban Legend. Stallone moves away from his usual action persona with just enough charisma to carry off his role as the mourning drunk but the rest of the cast are strictly conveyor-belt fodder with the usual tragic histories that make them plausible suspects, which is a bit of a waste when you scan the impressive cast roster.

A good and not overdone finale wraps things up nicely but much of D-Tox is a waste of its great setting and it ends up as a second-gear action/slasher fusion that’s already been forgotten about.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jim Gillespie also directed I Know What You Did Last Summer and Venom; Dina Meyer was later in Crazy Eights.

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