Tag Archives: star power

Stick to what you know. Or die.

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Some people just want a bigger slice of the pie. Unsatisfied with their singing careers, many artistes appear in a few music videos and suddenly think they’re the next Streep or Caine. So we get Beyoncé in Austin Powers, Justin Timberlake trying to be an action hero in the crappy In Time and Alanis Morissette playing GOD in Dogma!

So it was no surprise to anyone that, during the 90s horror resurgence, a few of these Prima Donnas thought they could kick it with the big boys and headline a slasher flick. Some did alright, agreeably dying in accordance with the audience’s wishes, while others thought their acting talents earned them the lead role. Poor deluded things…

Let’s take a look at who ruined what:

llcooljh20-2

LL Cool J as Ronnie the security guard in Halloween H20

Who hell he? Rapper James Todd Smith started his career way back in 1985 and has since released 11 studio albums, featured as a guest rapper on a gazillion tracks and, surprisingly, carved out quite the respectable screen career, presently starring in NCIS: Los Angeles.

In the midst of horror: LL donned the usually doomed role of security guard at a California prep school where Jamie Lee Curtis was the headmistress. Unusually, he brought a charm to the role few other names on this list could dream of (not least Busta Rhymes who almost single-handedly destroyed the next film in the series).

He later pulled the rug of credibility out from under himself in a naff role in Deep Blue Sea the following year (for which he also contributed a dire theme song) and returned to slasherdom in Mindhunters in 2004.

Eventual Fate: Survives despite being shot.

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Tatyana Ali as Monica in The Clown at Midnight

Who hell she? Former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air cast member and short-lived career singer Ali scored a big hit by duetting with series brethren Will Smith before seemingly being sucked into the career ether.

In the midst of horror: Ali cropped up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in this Canadian Scream knock-off, where a group of high school theater club kids are tormented by a psychotic but not remotely scary clown.

Eventual Fate: Skewered with a spear that she almost spins 360s around. But doesn’t.

brandy-isk2Brandy as Karla in I Still  Know What You Did Last Summer

Who hell she? Brandy Norwood – who I had confused with Aaliyah for several years – had already headlined her own kids show, Moesha, for a couple of years and scored some gentile RnB chart hits, including this one featuring LL Cool J – hmmm. The only ones I know were Sittin’ Up in my Room from Waiting to Exhale and The Boy is Mine with genre clone Monica.

In the midst of horror: Brandy signed on to play the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in the cliché ridden killer fisherman sequel to the surprise 1997 hit. For the role, Brandy had to lip-sync (something I don’t doubt she was used to) her screams, so’s not to damage that precious voice… To be fair, she does ok with some godawful dialogue and has a cool chase scene.

Eventual Fate: Staggers from the wreckage at the last second after we all hoped believed she was dead.

kylie-cut2aKylie Minogue as Hilary Jacobs in Cut

Who hell she? Pint-sized pop princess and international gay icon Kylie made her screen debut in cult Australian soap Neighbours before becoming one of the most successful artists on the planet, notching up 45 Top 20 hits in the UK between 1988 and 2011.

In the midst of horror: For her Drew Barrymore-esque cameo in Aussie comic-horror Cut, she appeared for all of five minutes as the tyrannical director of a low-budget horror film, Hot Blooded.

Eventual Fate: First to go, probably to the joy of many she gets her tongue cut out.

snoop-bones2Snoop Dogg as Jimmy Bones in Bones

Who hell he? Pot-smoking LA rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg (later dropping the middle name) has been on the rap scene since the early 90s. Look, I know fuck all about rap. It bores me. He appeared on that Katy Perry track and was in some episodes of Weeds. And played Huggy Bear in the crappy Starsky & Hutch reboot.

In the midst of horror: Dogg rolled up as a killer from beyond the grave in this ghetto Elm Street wannabe, in which a murdered 70s big cheese rises from the dead to take revenge on those who killed him after they turned his beloved burg into a grotty ghetto of sleaze.

Eventual Fate: As the supernatural killer, he’s already dead and possesses daughter Bianca Lawson at the end.

kris-dtox2Kris Kristofferson as Dr Mitchell in D-Tox

Who hell he? Texas folk strummer Kristofferson has never had a single UK chart hit but the weird alliteration of his name alone ensures most people have at the very least heard of him. Folk isn’t my thing either so I can’t tell you shit about his career.

In the midst of horror: KK phoned in a one-dimensional performance as the head shrink at a clinic for burned out cops, where Sylvester Stallone thinks there’s a police-hating serial killer on the prowl. In truth, I can’t remember a whole lot about the film now, only that the identity of the loon was evident from the outset and that a cast containing Charles S. Dutton, Courtney B. Vance, Sean Patrick Flanery and Robert Patrick could be so wasted in a film that virtually bypassed big screens everywhere for a dead future on DVD…

Eventual Fate: Dies, but I can’t remember how.

busta-hr2Busta Rhymes as Freddie Harris in Halloween: Resurrection

Who hell he? I know even less about Busta Rhymes than I do about Snoop Dogg. He sang on that really rubbish Half on a Baby with Mariah Carey and did a ‘song’ that sampled the Psycho theme (blaspheme!).

In the midst of horror: Rhymes, evidently spurned on by – or jealous of – LL Cool J and Snoop Dogg’s horror movie outings, somehow bagged the lead role in what is possibly the most hated film in the Halloween canon (though I actually don’t mind it at all) as a small time entertainment entrepreneur who organises a live webcast from the home of Michael Myers on Halloween night, unaware that the psycho has lived in a tunnel beneath the property for several years and objects to any visitors.

From his ridiculous Kung Fu showdown with Michael to his attempt at playing things cooler than a frozen cucumber, Rhymes is possibly the victim of a crap script. This is, after all, a film that tries to sell to us the idea that Michael Myers was not the guy beheaded at the end of H20. It’s more plausible and likely that he just can’t act.

Eventual Fate: Stabbed about three times but survives. Fuck it.

kelly-fvj2Kelly Rowland as Kia in Freddy vs Jason

Who hell she? One of the ‘other’ members of Destiny’s Child who merely existed under the shadow of the great Beyoncé, future X-Factor mentor and singer of a few half-decent solo hits. I can’t even picture the third girl. Hang on, weren’t there four at the start?

In the midst of horror: Rowland turned up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine (any one else noticing a theme?) in the long-awaited horror series mash-up. Kia says “girl” a lot and gives mouth-to-mouth to Jason Voorhees, for which he thanks her by slamming her against a tree. However, Rowland reportedly ad-libbed “faggot” as an insult against Freddy, which dropped her credibility through the floor in my book.

Eventual Fate: Machete sling into a nearby tree.

paris-wax2Paris Hilton as Paige in House of Wax

Who hell she? Before House of Wax, I was one of approximately six people on the planet who didn’t really know who Paris Hilton was. Everyone seemed to hate her. Apparently, the hotel chain heiress-slash-socialite is one of those famous-for-being-famous dollies who had a few ‘reality’ TV shows and squawked out a heavily auto-tuned album in 2006, which spawned the worldwide hit Stars Are Blind. She sings like she’s stoned.

In the midst of horror: The American marketing for this remake played heavily on Hilton’s character’s fate: See Paris Hilton Die! squawked the trailers. So divisive her star-status that it would have started a riot had she been cast as the final girl. Strangely, this was not Hilton’s first foray into slasher cinema, having already been offed in rubbish British ghost-horror Nine Lives. In Wax, she does okay with the role of best-friend-of-heroine (though for once, white!).

Eventual Fate: After an admittedly impressive chase scene, Paige gets a rusty old pole right through the head.

bonjovi-wolf2Jon Bon Jovi as Rich Walker in Cry_Wolf

Who hell he? “Ohhhh we’re halfway there…!” Leading man of supremo 80s hair metal rockers Bon Jovi, JBJ has enjoyed enormous global success with the band, turning out hits pretty much solidly for a quarter of a century. Everyone loves at least one Bon Jovi song.

In the midst of horror: Would you learn anything if Bon Jovi was YOUR teacher? No? Neither do any of the cast members in this cheat of a film, set at a snobby prep school where the students start a rumour about a campus cruising killer that backfires of them, then doesn’t, then does…

JBJ is the media lecturer and more intertwined with events than it at first seems. He says teacherly things, wears glasses and boring clothes and generally makes no impression whatsoever. But the film’s crap so who cares?

Eventual Fate: Shot dead because he’s the killer. No, wait! He isn’t! Is he? Fuck it, I have no clue what’s going on. Dies.

tulisa-dnd2Tulisa Contostavlos as Amber in Demons Never Die

Who hell she? One third of unspeakably dreadful UK ‘urban’ group N-Dubz, who, despite being a vacuum of talent, scored several substantial chart hits, including a number one single. Tulisa then went on to mentor on The X Factor, her girl group Little Mix eventually winning the show. Entirely thanks to her, of course.

In the midst of horror: Plays ‘the Drew Barrymore role’ in UK ‘urban’ slasher flick Demons Never Die, which I’ve not yet seen because it flopped so hard at the box office it barely played anywhere, drunkenly staggering its way to DVD in February 2011. Equally repugnant Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates also features.

Eventual Fate: She dies, but I don’t yet know how.

* * *

What does this teach us? If you’re a black female artist, you have no choice than to play the final girl’s best friend.

Who would you like to see bite it on the big screen? I imagine Justin Beiber would top a few lists. Simon Cowell would be forced to listen to Westlife until his brains bleed out his ears. Eminem could scream like a girl. Victoria Beckham could be force-dieted to death…

The list is endless.

The House on Forgettable Row

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THE HOUSE WHERE DEATH LIVES

2.5 Stars  1980/15/80m

A.k.a. Delusion

“More people died there than lived there.”

Director: Alan Beattie / Writers: Beattie & Jack Viertel / Cast: Patricia Pearcy, Louis Basill, Joseph Cotton, John Dukakis, Leon Charles, Patrick Pankhurst, Alice Nunn, Abraham Alvarez, David Hayward.

Body Count: 8

Better-than-usual actors elevate this low budget slasher that tries to pass itself off as a classy psycho thriller.

Young nurse Meredith (Pearcy, heroine of nasty killer worm flick Squirm) is hired by disabled millionaire Cotten to help around his large mansion house as he copes with the death of one of his sons and awaits the arrival of his estranged grandson.

There, she is acquainted with the bolshy cook, the mysterious gardener and the alcoholic butler. She also discovers Cotten’s retarded second son is permanently locked in the room next to hers. When he dies after ‘falling’ out his window, it’s not long before suspicion is cast upon the strange grandson Gabriel (who has lived on a remote farm since birth) whom Meredith finds herself attracted to.

The strange accidents continue until a rushed ending that sports an original – though to the experienced viewer, predictable – twist. Although there’s no explicit violence, a couple of disorientating murder scenes spice things up and feminists can rest easy as not ONE of the victims is female.

Director Beattie sensibly avoids the usual slasher clichés in favor of his characterisations but doesn’t go far enough for the film to escape its roots and so it becomes just another hardly-known killer-in-a-big-house opus.

Blurb-of-interest: John Dukakis (nephew of Olympia) was one of the sailboat kids in Jaws 2.

Ron Jeremy and the porno lesbian cheerleader massacre

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ANDRE THE BUTCHER

2 Stars  2005/87m

A.k.a. Dead Meat

“No matter how you slice it… He’s pure terror.”

Director/Writer: Philip Cruz / Writer: James Hyde / Cast: Ron Jeremy, April Billingsley, Maury Sterling, Faye Canada, Heather Joy Budner, Justin Capaz, Liz Mullins, Alan Fessenden, Terry Mross, Gene Nash.

Body Count: 14

Dire-logue: “Could you please put aside your sexual identity issues for a minute and whip it out?”

A slasher flick with porno legend Ron Jeremy as a supernatural killer?

Three college cheerleaders and a guy cheerleader (?) driving around Florida on their way to a contest crash their car and end up at an abandoned house inhabited by a welding-mask-masked wacko who hacks people up, grinds their flesh down and eats it. Throw in a couple of escaped prisoners and the state cops who’re chasing them and there’s plenty of victims for the chop.

In spite of lowest-of-the-low production merits, Andre the Butcher isn’t such a bad flick once; T&A announced at the outset by an old man narrator is fairly minimal and the now requisite girl-on-girl scene is handled just that teeny bit more maturely than you might expect.

The final girl, Jasmine, is actually outed as a lesbian half way through. I know! A gay final girl at last! A sort of back up heroine arrives in the black police deputy. A lesbian and a black woman. What gives?

The characterisations aren’t exactly ocean deep but people turn out a little differently than it would appear. They’re generally sweet natured kids who don’t bitch and fight for a change and the prisoners are also packing a few surprises.

Andre the Butcher is full of sloppy gore and Jeremy is chucklesome as the loony toon but it’s not the kinda thing you’re ever going to watch more than once, so for a film that LOOKS like it’s going to be one 87-minute stereotype, you could waste your time far less interestingly.

Blurb-of-interest: Ron Jeremy played Jesus (!) in Bloody Bloody Bible Camp.

Home is where the horror is

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HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS

4 Stars  1988/18/85m

“Ten years ago HE changed the face of Halloween. Tonight, HE’S BACK.”

Director: Dwight H. Little / Writer: Alan B. McElroy / Cast: Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell, Danielle Harris, Beau Starr, Kathleen Kinmont, Sasha Jenson, Michael Pataki, George P. Wilbur.

Body Count: at least 16

Dire-logue: “Jesus ain’t got nothin’ to do with this place!”

If you deduct Halloween III from the equation, Michael Myers’ franchise plays quite beautifully through parts one to six before Dimension pretended half of it had never happened and then the remakes took over. Despite all this meddling, Halloween 4 remains the best film of the series after the original.

Nicely occurring on the tenth anniversary of Michael’s kill-a-thon through Haddonfield, both he and Dr Loomis (again played by Pleasence as a part of his presumed pension plan) survived the explosion at the end of Halloween II and there’s some garb about Myers being a federal patient so his comatose body is carted off somewhere else.

Of course, Michael’s sense of Halloweeny-ness kicks into play and he wakes up, offing the paramedic crew and going on the run. This begs the question – does Michael just ‘deactivate’ on November 1st each year for 364 days? Dr Loomis, ever with the Evil on Two Legs similes, totters off in the direction of Haddonfield to stop the inevitable, whilst everyone else says he’s deranged.

In Haddonfield, Laurie’s orphaned daughter Jamie (Danielle Harris), lives with the Carruthers, her adopted family, and suffers the nasty torment of cruel classmates who like nothing more than to remind her she’s A). an orphan and B). niece of The Boogeyman, despite none of them being old enough to remember “ten years ago.”

Jamie is also tormented by The Nightmare Man. In Halloween 5 it’s established that she has a psychic connection to Michael. Her half-sister Rachel (Cornell) is having boy trouble and reluctantly has to babysit Jamie on Halloween Night, thwarting her plans with all-American jock Brady, who instead calls on the Sheriff’s slutty daughter Kelly for his happies.

Meanwhile, Loomis crashes into the cop shop shrieking that Michael is coming back after encountering him at a rundown gas station on route. The police don’t take any chances and begin to search for Jamie, hoping to get to her before her uncle does.

In spite of appearing as a reaction to the success of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, Halloween 4 is a remarkably restrained, almost mature affair. Bloodletting is minimal in favour of creating a similar tension to the ’78 original, with many of the 16 plus kills occurring off screen.

While that can never be recreated, Halloween 4 succeeds in coughing up some excellent scenarios, most notably the rooftop chase, where Rachel and Jamie escape from Michael for the 43rd time by climbing on to the roof of a two storey townhouse. It’s a simple yet effective scene, keying on the dangers of scrambling away from a psychotic maniac and not falling to their deaths simultaneously.

Tossing in a group of gun-toting rednecks anxious to avoid a repeat of “ten years ago” (the number of times they say this evades me, but it’s fair to say the residents go on about it a fair bit, as you would), Michael has apparently achieved the ability of teleportation in his decade off, appearing right where he needs to be at the right time, from the power station to cause a town-wide blackout to the underside of the very truck Jamie and Rachel escape in.

So it’s stupid at times, but what slasher franchise isn’t? Halloween 4 is still better than most just in terms of its production and reluctance to resort to cheap thrills to resurrect the series. Its shock ending grinds uncomfortably with how the next film begins, concerning the link between uncle and niece and they never really state why Michael is so hellbent on killing his entire family… What’s that about?

A solid production, arguably the thinking man’s alternative to the really cheap end of the market, recapturing as best possible the spirit of the flawless original. It’s just a shame that they got greedy as the series went on, because a few more sequels like this would’ve been awesome.

Blurbs-of-interest: Pleasence, Cornell, Harris and Starr all returned for Halloween 5; George P. Wilbur returned to play Michael again in Halloween 6; Danielle Harris was also Annie in the 2007 remake and it’s 2009 sequel and featured in Urban Legend, Blood Night, ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet‘s II and III; and Natty Knocks; Kathleen Kinmont was in Rush Week; Michael Pataki was in Graduation Day and Sweet Sixteen; Pleasence was also in Alone in the Dark and Phenomena; the wacky priest who gives Loomis a ride (Carmen Filpi) was also in 10 to Midnight; the female nurse at the start was one of the doomed toy store employees in Silent Night Deadly Night. Dwight H. Little directed Robert Englund and Jill Schoelen in the slashy version of The Phantom of the Opera in 1989; writer McElroy also wrote Wrong Turn and its 2021 reboot.

Crack n’ hack

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A CRACK IN THE FLOOR

 2 Stars  2001/18/86m

“Something terrible awaits underneath…”

Director/Writer: Sean Stanek / Director: Corby Timbrook / Cast: Mario Lopez, Daisy McCrackin, Justine Priestley, Beatley Mitchum, Francesca Orsi, Bo Hopkins, Jason Oliver, Stephen Saux, Rodger Hewlett, Tracy Scoggins, Bill Erwin, Gary Busey, Rance Howard.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “We made a pact to take these trips ’til we’re old and grey, or we die. Whichever comes first.”

Another cheapo attempt to bring Friday the 13th into the 21st century that pits six college kids against a Jason-like hermit who resides in the basement of the standard horror movie cabin-in-the-woods, where you just know these scholars are gonna end up by nightfall. Seems our loner doesn’t take kindly to strangers since two hicks raped and slaughtered his mom thirty-three years earlier.

With a few familiar cast members in the wings, it’s surprising the project came off as cheap looking as it has. Bo Hopkins is the local sheriff who may be on the brink of solving all of the missing persons cases that flood in whenever anybody hikes out into the trees; Gary Busey has about three minutes of screen time as a derange chicken chaser. You get the feeling he was helping out a friend.

Mario Lopez – Slater from years-gone-by’s Saved by the Bell, who also cropped up in the lamentable Fever Lake – leads the doomed pack of off-the-shelf teenagers, including Alicia Witt-a-like girlfriend Daisy McCrackin.

The rest of the characters and plot appear like a second-generation photocopy of Friday the 13th Part III, with two stoners and a newly-pregnant couple. The cabin’s not too dissimilar either… In spite of these flaws and an essential lack of blood (half the murders are off camera or fleeting) it’s not the tragic misfire it could have been. Everything certainly looks like the producers put some effort in and the script flows along quite efficiently even through the kids set up as the heroes are quite casually killed off.

A Crack in the Plot may have been a more fitting title.

Blurbs-of-interest: Bo Hopkins was also in Sweet Sixteen and Uncle Sam; Rance Howard was also in the Toolbox Murders remake; Daisy McCrackin was one of the reality-teens in Halloween: Resurrection.

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