Tag Archives: what the hell!?

SILENT RAGE

silentrage1.5 Stars  1982/18/95m

“Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.”

Director: Michael Miller / Writer: Joseph Fraley / Cast: Chuck Norris, Ron Silver, Stephen Keats, Toni Kalem, Stephen Furst, Brian Libby, William Finley.

Body Count: 10


Even with a body count that reaches double figures, this attempt to fuse martial arts with a slasher opus flatlines through boredom and is desperately predictable for its running length. A man wakes up in his rented room, calls his doctor and says he can’t take it anymore before donning an axe and chopping up his landlady and some other poor schmuck. After a scuffle, he’s subdued and shot dead – or is he?

No.

Meddling doctors feed him a formula they’ve been working on, which rapidly speeds up the regeneration of damaged cells blah, blah, blah. In short, dead guy goes Mighty Mouse and decides to go on a killing spree until the inevitable showdown with Chuck. Considering the film spends a spare reel on Chuck whipping some biker gang ass, it would’ve been nice for said bikers to have provided extra victims for the psycho, but they leave forgotten as soon as their bar brawl scene wraps.

Meanwhile, things shift from aping Halloween to a Halloween II deserted hospital killfest, which sees Kalem’s hysterical heroine chased along empty corridors for an eternity and Stephen Furst as a comic bumbling deputy who is heartlessly killed off in the only unexpected twist on offer. The final smackdown is good for laughs but the horror audience will feel short-changed by everything else, except maybe the cheese that oozes from the poster!

Blurbs-of-interest: Michael Miller also directed National Lampoon’s Class Reunion, which co-starred Furst, who was also in The Unseen. Ron Silver was later in The Wisher.

CrappyCrappy

killerkillerKILLERKILLER

1 Stars  2006/75m

“The public calls them murderers. The papers call them monsters. She calls them prey.”

Director/Writer: Pat Higgins / Cast: Cy Henty, Dutch Dore-Boize, Danielle Laws, Richard Collins, James Kavaz, Nick Page, Scott Denyer, Danny James, Rami Hilmi.

Body Count: 9


Bizarre no-budget indie project, which begins with the all-too familiar scenario of a babysitter being stalked around a London townhouse. Into the kitchen… up the stairs… into the bathroom as she disrobes for a shower, turns around to find a masked killer poised with a knife and…

…whips out twin blades and does him in! This witty intro aside, Killerkiller plays out like a stage-adaptation once we meet eight incarcerated murderers who wake up to find their prison-slash-institute has no guards, no locks, and somebody who is offing them one by one. How and why they are there – don’t bother asking.

Mucho testosterone-fuelled dialogue later, we discover that blondie babysitter is some sort of demon who is zapping them temporarily into relative nightmares (all about their past crimes) and passing ultimate judgment over them. It might’ve worked if the expenditure was in double figures – but it ain’t so it ends up as one of the longer 75 minute stints to experience.

Amount of sense? Nun.

nunTHE NUN

2 Stars  2005/15/102m

“Not all water is holy…”

Director: Luis de la Madrid / Writers: Jaume Balaguero & Manu Diaz / Cast: Anita Briem, Belen Blanco, Manu Fullola, Alistair Freeland, Cristina Piaget, Paulina Galvez, Natalia Dicenta, Oriana Bonet, Tete Delgado, Lola Marcelli.

Body Count: 8

Dire-logue: “So let me get this straight: are you trying to tell me that all this is some sort of I Know What You Did Eighteen Summers Ago or something?”


Some filmmakers must want to tear their own ears off with frustration when studio executives meddle with their creativity. In some cases it might make the film better, but in others it’s sure to render the production a lost cause. Such is the case of The Nun, a handsome looking Spanglish production, which, for 95 of it’s 102 minutes is an interesting, kinda creepy little supernatural slasher – and then comes that twist.

nun1Six naughty Catholic school girls accidentally murder the sadistic Sister Ursula after she goes too far abusing one of them. Eighteen years later, the grown women are falling victim to her ghost, who manifests from water, usually from overflowing baths or sinks. When young Eve witnesses the death of her mother by the nun and then the outcome of another tragic ‘accident’, she agrees to tag along to Spain with her friends Julia and Joel and pick up where her mom left off, meeting the other surviving girls to figure out why they started dying… Eve gets on the trail with her pals and a sexy young wannabe-priest and they all end up at the condemned convent with the final two women in a bid to put an end to spectre-nun for good.

The first third of The Nun is a professional looking mix of Darkness Falls and Final Destination with a sprinkling of J-horror conventions, showing off some good demises and competent CGI work. However, once the action shifts to Spain (despite the fact it’s all evidently been shot there) and the main characters make their way to the old school, things start to drag… There’s a mini-twist about the deaths reflecting those of the girls’ patron saints and if things had ended with the destruction of the nun all would be well.

nun2But no.

The twist that is ‘suddenly’ revealed is so crap and reveals so many glaring inconsistencies that you could fly a Boeing 747 through the plot holes, absolutely shattering what credence the film had amassed unto this point. Given the explanation provided, what they propose to be the truth could not have even happened at all. It will make you want to die your own grisly death because it sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks!

You want to know? Seriously? OK…

S P O I L A G E

There is no nun, Eve is the killer. So explains a miraculously clued-in Joel at the end, a “traumatic event” made her the killer, i.e. her mom’s death, but wait – according to earlier dialogue, mom was the second victim as the first burned to death in London a few days earlier. Did Eve fly to London and kill her then? If so, she also has the power to walk through walls and manages to oversee the elevator death before she even arrives at the hotel! It’s also apparently possible to impale oneself with a speargun.

Honestly, did they think everyone watching had Alzheimers?

“Everybody die not long time.”

record

RECORD

2.5 Stars  2000/94m

Directors: Gi-hun Kim & Jong-seok Kim /Writer: Chang-hak Han / Cast: Eun-hye Pak, Seong-min Kang, Dal Bae, Chae-young Han, Min Jung, Jae-hwan Ahn, Mayu Loh, Jun-Hyeong Bae.

Body Count: 11


Korea might not have made as big a mark on the horror genre as Japan in recent years but they did discharge this fitfully amusing carbon copy of I Know What You Did Last Summer

Two high school girls invite shy nerd Sung-mook to a wooded cabin one of their parents’ owns and the trio are attacked by three masked assailants armed with a knife and a camcorder. They beat the girls and set upon poor Sung-mook, eventually stabbing him to death on the bed and remove their masks to reveal themselves as the girls’ school friends, making a little horror flick with the intention of selling it (!). Stunned to realise that the knife they used wasn’t fake, the group panic and decide to burn and bury the corpse, only for Sung-mook to leap from his grave in flames and tumble over a cliff edge!

One year later, the gang find themselves stalked by a weirdo in an inconspicuous bright orange suit, who makes it clear he intends to level the score with them. Is it Sung-mook back from the dead? His creepy goth sister? A dressy Hollywood producer anxious to get his mits on the boys’ film? Good girl Hui-jung attempts to put together a plan to trap and unmask the killer before he gets to her first – though why isn’t clear as she wasn’t even involved in the prank.

There’s a fair amount of stalkery in Record: the killer somehow manages to taunt the group by feeding their tape into the TV broadcast at a road stop and skulks the corridors of their old school in the cat-and-mouse finale. Incoherent at best, some of the translations didn’t make total sense to me:

  • “Everybody die not long time.”
  • “You are a not get. I have found the path to outcome you.”
  • “You are nothing but a hell kite!”

Maybe that’s it… He’s an orange kite from hell that flies up to avenge poor dead Sung-mook. Cooool…

Record is worth seeing not only for the train wreck that is its subtitles but also to see just how influential American culture and horror cliches are on Eastern horror before the whole situation flip reversed for Ring.

Blurb-of-interest: the homeland title is Zzikhimyeon jukneunda - try asking for it at HMV.

Return to sender

offeringsOFFERINGS

1.5 Stars  1988/18/94m

“Remember him before he dismembers you.”

Director / Writer: Christopher Reynolds / Cast: Loretta Leigh Bowman, Elizabeth Greene, G. Michael Smith, Jerry Brewer, Richard A. Buswell, Tobe Sexton, Patrick H. Berry, J. Max Burnett, Rayette Potts, Heather Scott.

Body Count: 10

Dire-logue: “How come people in these horror movies do such stupid things?”


As the score tinkers along like somebody held up a tape recording of the theme from The Fog and hoped for the best, while the characters utter inaudible dialogue and we wonder if John Carpenter would sue over it, you might ask yourself just why Offerings was ever made? It’s not as if we haven’t encountered ye olde asylum-escapee-goes-after-group-of-kids schtick before. Well, there’s a dinky hook to this one. Y’see, the killer, obese, slightly deformed remmy John Radley, sends selected body parts from each victim to heroine Gretchen because she stood up for him to the nasty kids X years earlier when they tormented him until he fell down a well!

The grown up kids are now Gretchen’s pals and provide John with his quarry as they die by rope, vice and, uh, flashlight. So much if pilfered from Halloween that even John’s shrink is tailing him around the small township in a poor cover version of Doc Loomis. And why is Gretchen friends with the horrible kids? Is she that dumb? There’re a couple of decent giggles as the script tries to poke fun at itself and the scene where one guy is being hanged outside the lounge window while his folks are entranced by the TV is golden, as is the vice-death guy who tries to ‘do ghetto’ and ponders aloud in the street why girls only want him for his brain while clasping his package. In spite of these offerings, Offerings doesn’t offer up much else.

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