Tag Archives: who finances this crap!?

SILO KILLER

silo11 Stars  2002/89m

“It’s harvest time!”

Director/Writer: Bill Koning / Cast: Brandon Malone, Katie Carroll, Carter Hagerman, Jared Conti, Brian Reid, Jamie Morris, Heather Morris, Dana Ratcliff, Sandra Quoos, Richard Kindle.

Body Count: 20

Dire-logue: “You are dumber than a bag of shit.”


Just because The Blair Witch Project raked in a huge profit ratio doesn’t mean any talentless dickheads with camcorders should put their own 90 minutes of shit on to home video for retail. Such is the background of Silo Killer, an antagonistically dreadful gathering of slasher off-cuts that manifests itself in a badly produced, sexist, and even racially ambiguous end product.

After the obligatory murder-of-a-teenage-girl opening, a group of teens (some of whom don’t even seem to know each other) go camping in the dusty plains of Arizona, despite both a dangerous escaped convict on the loose and a recent history of missing and murdered teenagers. They’re each killed off by an axe-wielding nut hiding behind a rubbery Old Father Time mask before the surprisingly blunt twist that is just unexpected enough to save Silo Killer from half-star hell.

Not only is the acting the pits, but the characters themselves are possibly the most annoying group of people ever to grace the screen (especially the guy who ends up with all his limbs cut off). The external photography – which makes up most of the film – has a strong yellow tint to it (possibly piss) and the titular silo barely makes an appearance, which is a pity because watching a 90-minute still of it would be preferable to witnessing any of the thesps shouting their crappy lines. Unbelievably, this had since had a sequel! Ugh.

SLAUGHTER HOTEL

slaughterhotel2 Stars  1971/18/86m

“A place where nothing is forbidden.”

A.k.a. Asylum Erotica (UK DVD); The Beast Kills in Cold Blood; The Cold-Blooded Beast

Director/Writer: Fernando Di Leo / Writer: Nino Latino / Cast: Klaus Kinski, Margaret Lee, Rosalba Neri, Jane Garret, John Karlsen, Gioia Desideri, Monica Strebel.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Your desire to make love is obsessive; compulsive… Go and take a shower.”


Supposedly, men cannot go more than six seconds without thinking about sex. I don’t disagree with this assessment, but in a typical day of 16 waking hours, that’s 9,600 thoughts about sex. So…how many of those thoughts are bit sleazy?

In spite of itself, there’s nowt wrong with a bit of sleaze. It’s probably healthy! Ergo, how about this early Italian giallo that is practically dripping with sleaze? It’s certainly no Argento or Bava outing though; an institution in an old castle – seemingly only for glamorous, beautiful women – is the hunting ground for a cloaked killer who offs his victims with a variety of medieval weaponry.

Slaughter Hotel is less a horror film than some bizarro porn flick with interracial lesbian romps, endless scenes of naked women in bed, writhing with night terrors while doctors Kinski and Karlsen move around dishing up pop-psychology hypotheses’ for their fashionista patients. Bouncing along to a Loveboat-esque samba rhythm of flutes and various woodwind instruments, there’s precious little dialogue, most of which is badly dubbed and nudity far outweighs any violent content. In fact, half the body count is racked up in the last couple of minutes of the film, all of it female bar one poor schmuck who’s pushed into a handy iron maiden and skewered therein.

Kinski gives an uncharacteristically restrained performance in his thankless role while all the female characters simply drape themselves around set pieces waiting to be fucked of filleted. It’s a direlogue haven, as one man drives his gorked-out wife to the venue, she lunges for the steering wheel and, as if questioning an item on the shopping list, he says to her: “killing me is one thing but why commit suicide?” Indeed. Di Leo reportedly admitted never having researched institutions prior to the shoot, which is subtley evident in the finished product. A weird, weird experience that must be seen to be believed.

Blurbs-of-interest: the film is available on a variety of cuts, some with more of the sexual content cut than others. Kinski also played a shrink in Schizoid.

Rough Crossing

misMOON IN SCORPIO

1.5 Stars  1987/18/84m

“There’s a bad moon rising…”

Director: Gary Graver / Writer: Robert S. Aiken / Cast: Britt Ekland, John Phillip Law, William Smith, Louis Van Bergen, April Wayne, Jillian Kesner.

Body Count: 15

Dire-logue: “They were at each other like two roosters all the time.”


As if Blood Voyage wasn’t excruciating enough, how about a film that seems to want to replicate it? Britt Ekland takes the lead and does her career no favours by playing the sole survivor of a murderous rampage aboard a yacht, when three Vietnam vets reunite with their gals for a pleasure cruise.

Someone in the group has recently escaped from the psyche ward and is now killing off the group with a knife and a weird spear-gun thing after setting them adrift (although land is clearly visible in the background about forty yards away). Along with the three traumatised soldiers provoking suspicion, one of their girlfriends is a sexy oddball who keeps telling everybody that the moon is in Scorpio and, when asked what the hell that means, replies that it’s a time for revenge and retribution. Woooo… This, plus looped footage of the moon, are the only links to the otherwise insignificant title. I personally think Big Ass Yacht Massacre would’ve been better.

When the killer is finally revealed, it has absolutely sod all to do with the set up, the Vietnam flashbacks or half the things Ekland covers in her laughable narration, which includes such remarkable insights to the situation – and indeed the slasher subgenre – as: “Who was behind it?” and “When was it going to end?” Best of all is the mis-timed add-lib when one of the men topples on deck. Once he’s regained his composure, Britt says: “suddenly, John (?) fell over!” This yak-track alone awards an extra half star but this is a film only fit for self-harmers who’ve blunted their favourite razor blade.

Blurbs-of-interest: director Graver also helmed Trick or Treats and was the a cinematographer on Twisted Nightmare and Mortuary. Co-producer Fred Olen Ray has “contributed” to several genre films and directed Scalps.

“You’re bad! You’re all bad!”

twistednightmare-japanTWISTED NIGHTMARE

1.5 Stars  1982/18/91m

“Before the world existed, there was a power…an evil power.”

A.k.a. Ancient Evil

Director/Writer: Paul Hunt / Cast: Rhonda Gray, Cleve Hall, Robert Padilla, Brad Bartrum, Natalie Main, Darryl Tong, Noble ‘Kid’ Chissell, Scott King, Devon Jenkins, Heather Sullivan, Kenneth Roper Jr., Juliet Martin, Marc Copage, Christin Dante, Jim Gosling, Phillip Bardowell, Donna Correa.

Body Count: 16

Dire-logue: “Hey, let’s go and explore the barn.”


Must apologise for the cover being Japanese, it’s not easy to find much about this immensely strange film, but my UK VHS copy had the same artwork many moons ago when I still had a copy. What wouldn’t I do to get it back… Actually, nothing, it sucked.

Originally shot in 1982 at the same ranch where Friday the 13th Part III was filmed (if you believe IMDb trivia sections, but as I recall it looked similar), Twisted Nightmare was withheld until 1987. Why? Well, read on and see if you can guess…

The plot is as follows: a group of “teens” at a lakeside camp – Camp Paradise (wait till you see it) –  tease Matthew, who’s retarded (movie retarded, this is, which means he can barely walk without flopping everywhere). He tells them they’re “all bad” and runs away to the barn, only to reappear as a ball of fire and dies…but the body is never found. Hmmm. Two years later, the teens are invited back to camp where, ding ding!, a disfigured character begins murdering them one after the other.

The camp caretaker tells some of the “teens” that the camp is built atop an ancient Indian burial ground. I shit you not. This gives it power, power gives Matthew death-dodging power, Matthew-kill-everyone.

However pathetic things sound, Twisted Nightmare is a bad movie addict’s wet dream: one guy says he’s leaving in a shot where he’s wearing that trademark 80’s sweater-over-the-shoulders, only for it to completely gone in the very next shot! With way too many characters to keep track of, an aged Sheriff who’s head is literally pushed off his shoulders, a final girl who only achieves said status by being stuck in a toolshed for half the film before driving away having contributed nothing to her own survival, this is a film best left to masochists and de-taste-ified collectors.

Blurb-of-interest: Devon Jenkins was in Slumber Party Massacre III.

Seasick

bloodvoyageBLOOD VOYAGE

1 Stars  1976/18/71m

“They started as crew… and finished as shark bait.”

A.k.a. Nightmare Voyage

Director: Frank Mitchell / Writers: William Tate & Jim Patton / Cast: Jonathan Lippe, Midori, John Hart, Mara Modair, Laurie Rose, Gene Tyburn, Pete Kellet.

Body Count: 6


This pre-Halloween quickie deserves to be lost at sea. A millionaire (Hart) invites some hoity-toity friends along on a pleasure cruise to Hawaii where he and his fiance (Rose) are to be married. Among the guests are moody ‘Nam vet Andy, who is standing in for the “missing” crew member, one of the host’s patients who, of course, is suspected of the murders that begin to occur on board once land is outta sight.

Blood Voyage tries to function as a mystery but much of the dialogue is inaudible (especially on the copy I watched, which was a new VHS!) and it’s fairly obvious who the killer is and what the twist will be once most the cast are done away with. Production sucks with editing so inept that the screen freezes for ten to twenty seconds and the gaps between shots are dreadful. A surefire contender for the most excruciating 71 minutes in history.

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